letter to a lover

i want someone to tell stories to. i want to walk nowhere in particular while holding hands, and i want to point things out and say what they make me think of. i want to talk to someone about why missing posters and sky blue make me cry. it feels like when you’ve been hurt and you have a band-aid and you’re waiting for someone to say what happened? i want someone to notice when my eyes tear up, when i flinch, when i tremble. i want someone to pay attention to the song i’m singing to myself and ask what it means to me. i want someone to know and understand me and not hate it. and i know that is too much to ask for.

happy valentine’s day! <3

the only date i have today is with my school’s guidance counselor. i have to register for next year’s classes and i have no clue which ones i want to take. i’d like to do a more advanced art class and band/percussion, but theatre also sounds fun.

i’m going on a youth retreat this weekend. i went last year, too, with my pal n (although i don’t think he’s coming this time). the lodge we’ll be staying at is up in the mountains, and there’s a forest, stream, and i think a meadow area as well. i’ll be bringing my camera, and if the retreat is as unstructured as last year, i’ll have plenty of time to take pictures.

last thing: my brother is in his school’s production of the sound of music. he somehow convinced the director to let him do a roundoff back tuck in one scene. the first performance is tomorrow and i think i’ll give him some fake flowers that i found in the attic.

xo apollo


the change award

hello, friends, i hope all is well.

gracie nominated me for a tag that she created: the change award. it’s about how you hope to make the world a better place, and i’m really glad that i get to do it. :)

| rules |

– link back to me, as well as whoever nominated you.
– include this: i, gracie chick of a light in the darkness, created this award to highlight the importance of young people taking responsibility for the future of their world. the change award also gives them the opportunity to share with others what they believe in.
answer the questions below.
– nominate as many people as you like.

 | questions |

make a list of the things you want to change about schools.

– less testing. they’re too stressful and i always forget what i’ve studied as soon as i’ve finished the test.

– shorter school days. honestly, there’s no reason kids should be in school for seven hours, and then have to do homework and extracurricular activities. personally, i learn better on days with early dismissal because the classes are shorter.

– better anti-bullying movements. one thing that bothers me is that when people talk about bullying, they say that “it can happen to anyone,” when that’s not exactly right. the kids who get bullied the most are poc, queer, mentally ill, religious, disabled, etc. if adults talked more about those things and helped students understand and respect them, bullying would be less common.

– please give us better sex ed, i’m begging you. and make it relevant for lgbt+ students, too.

– have different age groups interact more often.

– less sexist dress codes would be nice. if my legs are distracting some gross teacher, maybe consider firing them??

– more in-depth history lessons. tell us about human zoos in the 90’s, native american two-spirits, margaret hamilton (who created the navigation software for nasa’s apollo project), eudy simelane (a south african soccer player who was murdered and raped for her sexuality), etc.

make a list of the things you want to change about local communities.

– i was reading about the nuclear family and how it’s not that great of a setup. being exposed to just your family’s way of thinking is how toxic ideas get passed down, and it also makes abuse pretty easy to get away with. so children being parented by the community is something that might help.

– i’ve never seen a real block party and i’d like to experience one of those before the sweet embrace of death.

– take the luxury tax off of tampons/pads. what do i do if i’m broke? just bleed on everything because i can’t afford some dumb compressed cotton balls??

– make bards a thing again, please and thank you.

– make it socially acceptable to not want children. i can’t even count how many times i’ve heard “when you’re a mother,” and i say that i don’t actually want kids, and i’m told that i’ll change my mind.

make a list of the things you want to change about the world, your world.

no trump, no kkk, no fascist usa. (green day)

– elect me for president and i’ll make sure melanie martinez goes to jail like she freaking deserves.

– if the media could stop making things like feminism, black lives matter, and lgbt+ issues into jokes, that would be, like, really cool.

– @ big companies, stop destroying our planet, oh my g o s h.

– can we end toxic masculinity and the idea that men aren’t supposed to cry? because male suicide rates are ridiculously high, and they would go down if society didn’t think men expressing their emotions is weird and feminine.

– make conversion therapy illegal everywhere, it’s literally abuse and it kills.

– stop victim blaming!! i’ve heard people complain about the #metoo movement, and i don’t get it. why would you make fun of women who have found the courage to speak up about their harassment? am i missing something??


| nominees |

may @ forever and everly

ellie @ on the other side of reality

nabila @ hot town cool girl

rutvi @ capturing and creating 

kathleen @ dolls and dance

i know i’ve missed stuff, but there’s no way i can fit everything i can’t stand about our world into one post without it getting extremely long and full of rants. maybe some other time, though.

no matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world. -dead poets society

xo apollo

january memoir

documenting a month through poems and journal entries and song lyrics so it doesn’t get lost in the gray fog that is my life.

i. because when someone leaves you behind, what are you supposed to do but apologize? sorry for wasting your time. sorry for being too messed up for you to deal with. sorry for wanting you to change your mind because you promised you would stay.

ii. come on, make it easy. say i never mattered. (young volcanoes // fall out boy)

iii. did you ever really love me, or were you just lonely?
i did.
i did, too.
my friend, this is me trying to say i love you one last time.

v. i am the one who loved you, i am the one who stayed, i am the one and you walked away. (i am the one (reprise) // next to normal)

vi. my mom tells me it might have worked out if we were older. you could have chosen to see each other whenever you wanted. it’s hard to be in love when you’re a kid.

vii. and truth be told, i never was yours — the fear, the fear of falling apart. (this is gospel // panic! at the disco)

viii. i felt blank this morning. i was getting ready when something clicked off in my brain. my eyes stung and i felt staticky around the edges. i shut down and i barely noticed.

it’s difficult to be around people when something awful has just happened and they don’t know. everything is normal for them while you’re praying you’ll keep it together for three more hours.

ix. and there’s no one who knows and there’s nowhere to go. there’s no one to see who can see to my soul. (the mirror-blue night // spring awakening)

x. when you put two broken things together, they do not fix each other. there are too many sharp edges that cannot fit into place. maybe one day, our edges will be smooth enough that we can get close without being cut.

xi. love of my life, gone forever. get her back, good lord, you know i wish i could. (west virginia // the front bottoms)

xii. thrifting is when you find something broken, unwanted, thrown out; but it is perfect for you. loving is often the same.

xiii. looking at you makes it harder, but i know that you’ll find another that doesn’t always make you want to cry. (already gone (cover) // sleeping at last)

i’m trying something new this time. i’m going to talk about some of the fun/interesting stuff that happened in my life last month so this isn’t as depressing as my other memoirs. :)

| inspired by the lovely rutvi |

– i’ve been thrift shopping with my mum recently, and i’ve gotten lots of books + some odd junk that i couldn’t leave behind. a few of the books have notes in the margins and underlined sentences, which i think is really interesting, because i get to figure out what the person was like based on the quotes they picked out. some weird things i’ve found are baby doll heads, one half of a bff necklace, and an elegant lamp with a camo shade. maybe i’ll post a haul sometime.

– my bff izzy’s birthday was this month, and we went to an escape room to celebrate. i’ve played doors & rooms enough times that i was really good at finding clues. we played as thieves trying to steal the world’s largest diamond, and we thought that once we unlocked its display case, we would have won — but no, we had to escape the museum, too. we opened the exit door, but it just set off an insanely loud alarm and led to a closet where a police cutout was waiting. there was lots of screaming, and by the time we got to the right door, we were a minute over the time limit. and it sucked because we were so, so close, but apparently my friend and her dad did something extra that earned us a few more minutes, so we actually won. (we also got tiny plastic diamond souvenirs and they’re really cute.)

– after the escape room disaster, we went back to my friend’s house for cake and the like. i made the mistake of taking some unflattering photos of k, then showing them to izzy, who texted them to herself. k flipped out and tried to delete them off my ipod before they sent. before she could, izzy took my ipod and ran off, so k and i chased after her, but she had vanished. we were standing outside the bathroom, and the door was shut, so i told k that izzy was in there (i had no clue where she was, but it seemed likely). k slammed open the door, but surprise, it was izzy’s mom instead!! i got slapped for that but it was totally worth it.

dead poets society

– i watched dead poets society for the first time, and it messed me up. why would they do that?? w h y. i’m still upset about. i would definitely recommend watching it, but it does touch on suicide, so be careful.

– i was playing the game of life with izzy and a girl from church, and i drew an action cad that said i had won an award for best forehead. izzy and i had calculated the volume of my forehead one time during science, so it was rather fitting.

– during lunch one day, i hung out in the classroom with my math teacher and talked to him about serial killers. i enjoy reading their wikipedia pages at night when i’m home alone. apparently he thinks they’re interesting, too, and emailed my mom during our conversation to tell her that i’m “a gem.” (he also had the first kotlc book on a shelf with all his math textbooks??)

– my brother made a chess set out of legos (star wars vs. lotr + skeletons) and roped me into playing with him. i usually avoid chess games with him because i always lose, but it was really close this time?? i would have won if i hadn’t read into it too much and tried to block a move he hadn’t even thought of. but anyway, once he killed my king, i announced that he was a puppet ruler and the new king was one of the knights. he copied my idea and made obi-wan the monarch. eventually he trapped his new king and i was able to slaughter him.

– i started repainting my loft bed just before christmas (purple to white), so i’ve been sleeping on the floor since then. it’s finally finished, so i just got to spend the night in my real bed for the first time in over a month. :)

– new additions to my folder of shame:

“who here is straight?” “oh, i hope i’m not straight.” -my friend, who i’m pretty sure actually is straight??

“if capitalism is so great, why is my ice cream melting?” -me, eating ice cream soup and blaming it on The Man

“it’s all good. i’m super edgy. i’m the edgiest person out of all my friends at school.” -n, who probably is the edgiest of his friends, seeing as he doesn’t have any

xo apollo


blossoms from emily’s tree.

a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. (romeo and juliet)

roses in pennsylvania.

i’ll send you the sunset i love the most. (tokyo // owl city)

roses at a downtown café.

i am beginning to think
that i am a liar
i can’t open my mouth
without crooked words tumbling
over crooked teeth
like when i shrugged and said
we’re kids
we can’t love each other yet
and i felt aphrodite
dewy rose petals caught in her
dark dripping curls
twist her bruised lips in sorrow
because what is young love
but praying you’ll make it
while reaching for sweaty
shaky hands in the dusk

xo apollo

aesthetic | apollo

hey pals, i made an aesthetic for myself, am i cool and relevant now??  i’ve also written a caption for each picture explaining how it represents me.

(inspired by life in a blogshell.)

  it’s no surprise that i’m a huge bookworm. i’ve been reading for as long as i can remember, mostly fantasy stories, because i get to focus on dragons and magic and epic quests for a bit instead of real life. but recently i’ve been getting into contemporary, paranormal, and poetry.

of course music is on here, it’s such a huge part of my life. for me, there’s almost nothing better than finding a new band that i love. music has always been there, it’s something to fall back on, and the music i listen to has definitely shaped me as a person. (click here for music recommendations.)

i’m gonna be honest: getting older absolutely terrifies me. as much as i want to move out, live alone, and do my own thing, i hate the thought of growing up. i don’t want to see myself physically aging (it’s kind of an irrational fear of mine, i guess), and i don’t want to know that i’ve wasted so many years of my life, and that there’s no way to get them back.

i live in a valley, and it’s a great place for adventuring: mountains everywhere, rivers and lakes, fields, as well as a downtown area for urban exploring. wandering by myself or with a friend is one of my favorite things to do, and i wish i did it more often. when i go on walks, i always bring my camera with me and end up picking lots of flowers.

i like to think of myself as punk /grunge, but the truth is, i’m probably just emo. however, i do love punk music, clothes, ideology, etc. something about it makes me feel confident and fierce.

there’s no way for me to express just how much i adore camp. i love the heat and sweat, the laughter, the crappy food, the smell of the lake, the woods, the rainstorms, the annoying campfire songs — everything about it. i’ll be old enough to work at mine when i’m sixteen, and i can’t wait.

i saw something online that said “i’m glad it’s cold outside again so i can wear cool jackets instead of having a personality,” and if that doesn’t sum me up, idk what does. i currently have a leather jacket and a denim one that houses my growing collection of pins and patches.

i could try to explain my fascination with ghosts with something deep and gloomy about loss, but the truth is that i just like paranormal stuff. aliens, cryptids, hauntings, etc. are just super interesting to me, and while i don’t really believe they all exist, they’re fun to think about and search for.

i’ve tried a few instruments in my life (flute + guitar), and ukulele is the only one i’ve stuck with so far. it’s incredibly easy to learn, everything sounds happy on it, and i love taking pictures of it because it’s so small and adorable.

i hope you guys enjoyed reading this! if any of you create an aesthetic for yourself, i’d love to see it. :) i made mine using canva and images from pinterest.

xo apollo

help name my plants

hey, pals.

i currently have six plants, which i guess makes me a plant mom. but only one of them has a name, which makes me a very bad plant mom. because what kind of loving parent doesn’t name their children?

i’m very indecisive when it comes to naming things, which is probably why i refer to my leafy friends as “my plants” instead of making a decision. but today, i would like your help picking out names for them.

let’s meet my photosynthesizing babies.

plant #1

this is the first succulent i got. i bought another one at the same time, but it did not make it (r.i.p. in peace). sometimes the tips turn purple.

the rim was originally white, and yes, it looks really gross right now. i know i should repaint it, but how am i supposed to do that while constantly having an existential crisis??

plant #2

this one blooms with a big, spiky orange flower, and it actually already has a name, but i’m including it so it doesn’t feel left out. this is barakat, named after jack barakat from all time low.

plant #3 

my dad surprised me with this guy one day. the pot looks like an egg and it’s fun to rub.

plants #4 and #5

i’ll probably have to separate them eventually, but for now, these two are twins. the plant that died was the same kind as these, but hopefully they’ll have better luck. you can’t see it super well in this picture, but the one on the left has dark purple tips.

plant #6

i bought this lil succulent at the same time as #4 and #5, so i guess they’re technically triplets? anyway, this is the runt of the family. i forgot to water it for a few weeks, so it has some dead leaves around the bottom, and it might not last long. please keep it in your prayers.

it would be super helpful if you guys would give me some name suggestions in the comments. i’ll post an update once i decide what to call all of them. :)

xo apollo