i would wear my heart on my sleeve
if it were not in pieces
i would hold your heart in my hands
if it were not black and white
can we forget that you curled up beside me
underneath a floral blanket
and i couldn’t hold you in my arms
you kissed my cheek as a goodbye
it was tender and blush pink
you must have practiced on the mirror
i swayed and kissed back
but it was sloppy, nervous, shy
i was inexperienced then
now the chapstick stains on
my bathroom mirror match yours
i hope i get another chance
to kiss you before you go
this time, you will be the one
whose fingers trace their flushed skin
every morning when you wake up alone
i spent the last week working at summer camp, so that’s why i haven’t been posting. i think i’ll be able to get lots of content out of my camp experience, though, because it’s been . . . wild. so keep an eye out for that, i guess.
it’s been awhile since i posted more answers to my q&a (coughit’sbeenlikeeightmonthscough), so that’s what i’m doing today. enjoy! :)
i would like to use my art to help others feel less alone. maybe i’ll be able to draw or write something so honest that people will realize they’re not the only one to feel that way.
having a job where i can make an impact on someone’s life seems good, too. like a youth group leader or camp counselor or something.
writing or reading?
i get writing and/or reading slumps quite often, so my answer would depend on if i’m in one of those at the moment. but right now, i’ll say writing. i’ve been writing down lots of memories and journal entries and poems recently.
drawing/painting or photography?
same thing as the last question. i get lots of hobby-related slumps. i’ll go with art for now, because it’s relaxing, i can create something beautiful out of nothing, and i have some great art supplies.
favorite book ever?
(i manage to come up with a new favorite book every time i get this question.)
i’m going to say tiger lily by jodi lynn anderson. it’s a peter pan retelling from tiger lily’s point of view and it broke my heart the first time i read it. it’s heavy and touching and, despite being set in neverland, so real.
your favorite word?
it might not be my favorite word ever, but i really like “litost.” it means “a state of torment created by the sudden sight of one’s own misery.” “ethereal” is important, too, for personal reasons that i’m not sure how to explain.
the first five things you think when you hear your own name?
(for anyone who doesn’t know, my real name is loren, not apollo.)
1) how everyone pronounces it “lauren” unless they know me well. :’)
2) it means “laurels and victory,” which is kind of funny because i’m a loser.
3) this one girl (also named loren) at camp two years ago who got high off of bug spray.
4) my soccer coach made us all pick a food that starts with the same letter as our name, to make it easier to remember who’s who. my food was linguini.
the first five things you think when you hear MY name?
1) i know a girl named grace and apparently she has a golf cart??? i’m jealous.
2) one of my youth group leaders (also named grace) always brings really good snacks to bible study.
3) this super sweet girl who helped me during one of the worst days of my life. her middle name is grace, i’m pretty sure.
4) a girl at my church was telling me about her friend who is basically the exact same person as me. we like the same music, have the same hobbies, share a zodiac sign, etc. she moved before i got to meet her, but i follow her on social media, where she goes by the name grace.
5) and i think of you, of course, sweetheart. :)
what would you pick, to be able to fly, or to breath underwater?
breathing underwater, i think. in my head, it seems like chilling underwater would be really peaceful and exciting. but i’d probably hate it in real life because i’d be afraid of drowning.
what’s your favorite tv show?
i don’t particularly like watching tv, because i get bored too quickly. but two shows that i really like are gravity falls and over the garden wall. they’re both cartoons with weird elements mixed in. i’ve also been watching the office and parks & rec, and i’m enjoying those a lot.
what’s your favorite day of the week?
at the moment, i’m looking forward to sunday, because that’s when i leave for my second week of camp. i don’t usually like sundays, though. i’m not a fan of getting up for church, and something about them makes me feel sad and tired.
do you like seeing movies in the theater, or at home?
i never go to movie theaters unless i’m going with friends or i’m on vacation. but i prefer watching movies at home anyway. i can wrap myself up in blankets and have free snacks and draw while the movie plays.
what’s one food you will never get tired of?
peanut butter. it goes well with everything.
popsicles or ice cream?
one time i had a popsicle, and the joke on the stick was “what is it called when a bunch of raspberries get together and make music? a jam session.” and i swear, i had never been more glad to be alive than when everyone groaned at that joke.
but i like ice cream better. there are more flavors and you can use toppings and it’s not as sticky.
if you where a demigod, who would be your godly parent?
the quizzes i’ve taken say apollo. that makes ense. he’s supposed to be the god of archery, healing, and poetry, right? that fits me. and i already go by the name apollo online.
if you where an elf in keeper, what ability would you want to manifest?
being a shade would be pretty sweet, i think. but i took a quiz and got inflictor, which would be ok as long as i could make people feel happy and safe.
if you were a dragon, what color would your scales be? (PURPLE!!)
i’d hope for silver or maroon.
what’s your favorite video game?
the legend of zelda series is really great, i love the characters and lore and music. i also really like this ds game that my brother has called fantasy life, and skyrim, of course.
do you have any left handers in your family?
just one of my uncles, i believe.
have you read lodestar yet? what did you think of it?
i have read lodestar, my mom bought it for me because i won nanowrimo last year. i don’t exactly remember what it was about (haha oops), but it’s the keeper of the lost cities, so i’m sure it was incredible.
what do you think the difference is between a fairy and a pixie?
pixies are the mischievous ones, and they all have pixie cuts. fairies are the ones that sing to flowers or whatever.
about an inch past my shoulders. i’ve had long hair for most of my life, but i thought i’d try something new this year.
skirts or shorts?
shorts, absolutely. the only time i wear skirts is if it’s for a costume. shorts are just much more comfortable to me.
elves or hobbits?
as much as i love the hobbits, the elves clearly have it better. they’re tall, they can sing, they’re beautiful, they have glorious hair, they’ve got cool names, and did i mention that they’re tall? because that bit is important.
i really love turtles. i want to have one as a pet and name it billie joe armstrong, like the lead singer of green day. but none of the pet stores in my area sell turtles anymore and apparently it’s illegal to keep a turtle you find in the wild.
i bought combat boots last autumn and they’re pretty much the only shoes i wear. and they have pink flowers printed on the inside, so that’s cool. but i also adore the beat up converse that i’ve had for years. they have a moon drawn on the toe.
winter or summer?
winter, i think. i like that i can wear boots and hoodies and beanies, and how much nicer hot showers feel, and stepping outside and seeing your breath puff up in front of you. this summer might change my opinion, though, because of how much time i’ve been spending at camp.
it’s snowing right now, i wish it was summer. but when the summer rolls around, i wish i was freezing. (cough it out // the front bottoms)
favorite star wars character?
poe. oh my gosh i love him so much.
favorite dessert and lunch?
cereal for both. i don’t care what time of day it is, i will always be down for having cereal. specifically honey bunches of oats in a tea cup with no milk. that’s strange but i don’t really care.
hang on, i just made myself hungry. i’ll go get some cereal and then come back and finish this post.
i hope you guys enjoyed this! maybe you learned that we have something in common, or that i’m weirder than you thought. please don’t come after me for not putting milk in my cereal.
when i was a child, my family would drive down the gravel road to the greenhouse at the start of every summer. stepping inside the tent was like stumbling upon my own narnia, where it’s always june instead of perpetually winter. the perfume of so many flowers mingled together in the humid air. puddles on the floor reflected back the rainbow of blooms. bugs flitted from plant to plant. the atmosphere made it easy to pretend that i was the goddess demeter and the growing beauty all around me was my own handiwork.
my father would tell my brother and i that we could each pick one plant to bring home. my brother always chose something spiky and blossom-less, such as a serrated-edged, deep purple persian shield or a dark succulent. time after time, i was drawn to the romantic array of cherry, fuchsia, punch-pink, and candy cane geraniums. i always bought one and my brother always got a plant as sharp as his personality. some things are as predictable as the sunrise, and our greenhouse habits are no exception.
when my brother and i placed our special flowers on the counter beside my dad’s box of purchases, the worker would adjust her sin sifter and let us pick out a free marigold. there was a box of fiery blooms in the windowsill, straining for the sun. my brother would claim an orange one and i would choose yellow, and we would hold them in our laps on the ride home and plant them side by side in the yard.
my brother doesn’t care for flowers anymore. our family goes to the greenhouse without him, and i’m allowed as many plants as i would like. the woman behind the counter no longer offers me a marigold.
if we went early enough in the summer, there would be a cage around the back of the greenhouse where they kept easter bunnies. i cupped them in my hands one by one, trembling pompoms with a heartbeat, watching their bubblegum noses twitch and their fur flit around in the breeze. i begged my parents for one — promised that i would make its life heaven on earth, read every book about taking care of rabbits that i could get my hands on — but they never agreed. it’s too much responsibility for you, they said. the cats wouldn’t like them. bunnies are mean, anyway. so i never got a rabbit, and at some point, they got rid of the cages and i never held another easter bunny.
a year or two ago, i went on a walk one dusty, golden evening, and my feet led me down the gravel road to the greenhouse. i paused by the sign announcing the valley’s favorite greenhouse and stared out across the soy fields. birds rustled and sang from the crops and danced duets in the pale sky. the sun-warmed rocks beneath my bare, callused feet became too intense as i stood there, absorbing a picturesque summer sunset in the country, so i scooted off into the grass beside the road. wild strawberries poked up around my toes. a gemstone beetle crawled across a daisy as it continued its steady journey back home.
i have only known creekside junes and julys, spent hunting water snakes on slippery rocks, staining my lips and fingertips with blackberries, biking by myself through corn fields, burning marshmallows in the backyard while watching a shooting star overhead. the ache of every perfect summer i will never experience is eating me alive.
i’ve bought sixteen books this week and i’ve spent under $20. that might sound rather impossible, because readers know that books can be ridiculously expensive. but it can be done, and i’m going to share with you where i find such cheap books. :)
before you buy a book on amazon, you should check out those little used and new links below the format options. they’ll take you to a new page with more listings on it. you can get the same book for a much better price, just from a different seller. so i could buy the book in the picture for the actual price ($7.99), or i could get another new copy for $1.75.
i found out about book outlet through mya’s unboxing post, and it’s a great site. they have tons of popular books, all priced much lower than if you bought them from a book store. plus, you can earn points (aka discounts) by purchasing books and completing little challenges.
i ordered six books from them last week. at the moment, i’m reading i am princess x, but i’m hoping to finish it today so i can start on moxie.
i don’t know if everyone has one of these, but basically, the book fair is a warehouse that’s stuffed with inexpensive books. i think i’ve gotten more than half of my books there. they’ve got just about every book imaginable, and i always end up leaving with way more than i planned on buying.
i would suggest looking online to see if there are any book fairs near you, because it’s an amazing experience for book lovers.
my favorite place to buy cheap books is definitely thrift stores. i’ve gotten about thirty books from them this year, and i doubt i’ve spent more than that. most books at thrift stores are a dollar or less.
the best thing about shopping at thrift stores is that there’s always something new, and sometimes you can get really great surprises. for example, i found a signed copy of a court of thorns and roses by sarah j. maas.
now for that book haul!
i’ve been on a reading kick lately (if you follow me on goodreads, you know). unfortunately, i haven’t been able to go to the library as often as i would like, so i had to buy new reading material instead. i went to three thrift stores in two days, and this is what i found:
i’ve read a few of these before (the arctic incident, a grimm warning), but the rest are all new to me, and i have no idea what most of them are about. i don’t read book summaries anymore and i’m not sure why. at least that way every book is a surprise.
the books i’m most excited about reading are the rest of us just live here by patrick ness and peaches by jodi lynn anderson (she’s one of my favorite authors).
what are your favorite ways to buy cheap books? have you read any of the books in my haul?
a bunch of exciting stuff has been going on in my life recently, and i thought i’d share everything with you guys by dumping it into one post.
– my best friend izzy and i spent the first weekend of june being counselors at camp victory. every year, our church takes their after school program up to the camp to have fun and learn more about God. we were put in a cabin with the elementary school girls, but we were primarily assisting the younger ones. izzy’s family has been helping for years, but this was my first time. i sort of hated it, but i know i’ll go again next year if i get the chance.
– i carried so many girls on my back that i have bruises on my hips from their legs.
– it rained pretty much nonstop. there were about two hours on saturday when it wasn’t raining and we got to play games outside, but it was pouring the rest of the time.
– one of those games involved running around with a dead octopus. izzy got a bit too into it and ripped off a tentacle.
– they made us do zumba every morning. that was . . . something.
– i got into the pool with izzy when i was fully clothed. it was fun and all, but i didn’t bring enough dry clothes, and the t-shirt i was wearing at the time was white and kind of thin. still, i’m glad she convinced me to do it.
– the girls in our cabin decided that our group would be named the “glitter star bears.” we had to do a cheer about it at every meal and it was sort of awful.
– we had a movie night on saturday, and someone told me we were watching shrek, so i was naturally very excited. they lied, though, and we were really watching monsters university. don’t get me wrong, i love that movie, but i had my heart set on shrek.
– i slept in the leaders’ cabin the last night because our girls were so loud and stayed up really late. sadly, i didn’t sleep any better up there, and i ended up getting about four hours of sleep over the whole weekend. also, there were roaches in the cabin and a snake in the bathroom. :)
– my brother was at a karate tournament the same weekend i was at camp. he did a roundoff backflip during his first kata, landed wrong, and ended up breaking his foot and injuring his knee. but he got back up, completed the kata, and got second place. his foot was broken in three places, i think, and he had surgery on monday to fix it.
– i found out last week that i’m old enough to work at my summer camp as a counselor in training! since i’m a girl and it’s a boy scout camp, i didn’t think it was likely that i would be accepted, but somehow i was. i’m ridiculously excited for this, because i’ve wanted to work at camp since i first went there in 2016.
getting ready for camp has taken a lot of work. i had to complete three online courses, do a bunch of paperwork, and buy a venture scouts uniform (unfortunately, the guy that ordered it got the wrong size). on top of all that, i’m leaving today for a training session at the camp and i won’t be back until friday night.
– a few months ago, my math teacher saw me drawing in class and asked me to make a new mathematics-themed poster for him. i sort of forgot about it until the last two weeks of school, so i had to rush to get it done. i worked on it for nine hours (most of which was probably organizing art supplies on the table), but i finished it in time. my favorite part is the blue jay, i think i did a good job coloring it in.
– this is maybe less important than the others, but i’ve heard that love, simon is being put on netflix this month, and i am so excited to watch it again. i love the soundtrack, i love the book it’s based on, and i am so ready to cry at the ending again. happy pride month, by the way! 🌈
– a few people have been asking if i’m going to do cwwc again this year. i’m sorry to say it, but i won’t be. i just have too much planned this summer, so i think it’s unlikely that i’ll have an entire month that i can dedicate to it. sorry!
(i decided to combine my april and may memoirs. if i hadn’t, both posts would have been really short.)
documenting a month through poems and journal entries and song lyrics so it doesn’t get lost in the gray fog that is my life.
i. so, look, i don’t know how to say this, but i was lying when i told you i didn’t know if i was still in love with you. i just don’t know what to do and it feels like my ribcage is going to crack open if i don’t say something soon. i don’t want perfect dates and cliché romance, i just want real, messy love, but i’m afraid that no matter how much i want it, this is not going to work.
ii. tonight my heart’s on the loose. talk myself out of feeling, talk myself out of control. talk myself out of falling in love, falling in love with you. (oh love // green day)
iii. it’s not fair! god, it’s not fair, how i could have lived anywhere in the world and i got stuck in the mountains with someone i will love forever from the background. this forsaken town aches because your name is plastered across every billboard, and even though it’s killing me to stay, i am too stubborn to leave.
iv. i’m talking to the ceiling. my life just lost all meaning. do one thing for me tonight, i’m dying in this silence. the last star left in heaven is falling down to earth, and . . . do you still feel the same way? (here’s your letter // blink-182)
v. here is my question for you: when will you stop hurting me? again and again, you appear in my life just to slip out without a word the next day. you take a shard of my heart every time you go; the unsaid goodbyes are eating me alive. i’ve had my heart broken by you enough times that there is not much left of me.
vi. weep for yourself, my man, you’ll never be what is in your heart. weep, little lion man, you’re not as brave as you were at the start. rate yourself and rake yourself; take all the courage you have left and waste it on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head. (little lion man // mumford & sons)
vii. so you can’t see me tonight; so you still can’t look me in the eyes. you may not be able to do everything, but i’m begging you — give me time to heal before you say “hello and i’m sorry” for the hundredth time.
viii. remember all those countless nights when i told you i loved you? and to never forget it — oh, just forget it! (your graduation // modern baseball)
ix. i am so upset that no one believes me! what will it take to make anyone care? i will have to be covered in my own blood with a split lip and broken nose before someone decides i am worthy of their help.
x. i want you to stop insisting that i’m not a lost cause, ’cause i’ve been through a lot. really all i’ve got is just to stay pissed off, if it’s alright by you. (rose-colored boy // paramore)
xi. why do you have to grin at me like that when i talk? you’re making me lose my train of thought.
i am going to miss you and the smell of cut grass and the dandelions tucked into your curls so much over the lonely summer months.
xii. it was summer when i saw your face, looked like a teenage runaway. oh god, i never thought we’d take it that far. some killer queen you are. (rollercoaster // bleachers)
xiii. i am sitting on top of a hill at night. lights from houses blink below us like fireflies. us — someone is crouched beside me, holding my hand. who are you?
blood, blood, dripping all over me, from my chest. an angel with sunkissed skin, blonde hair, and no wings climbs the hill and sits by my feet. his voice is soft, his fingers warm as they dip into the blood. softly, warmly, gently — i am going to hell.
xiv. i have this dream that i am hitting my dad with a baseball bat, and he is screaming and crying for help. and maybe halfway through, it has more to do with me killing him than it ever did with protecting myself. (father // the front bottoms)
xv. it makes me so sad that after seven months, we were finally in the same place at the same time, and i didn’t even say hello. i guess the timing just didn’t work out. it never seems to, for the two of us. please forgive me.
xvi. we’re alike, you and i. two blue hearts locked in our wrong minds. so can we make the most out of no time? can you hold me? can you make me leave my demons and my broken pieces behind? (WILD // troye sivan)
other songs to listen to:
not warriors // waterparks
still be around // a summer high
my my my! // troye sivan
i want to hold your hand // the beatles
the faster the treadmill // i fight dragons never fall in love // jack antonoff, MØ
love me // the 1975 that girl // all time low
fake happy // paramore stay the night // green day
HOLD ME TIGHT OR DON’T // fall out boy
don’t come down // the maine dumpweed // blink-182
am i pretty? // the maine
when you see my friends // mayday parade
– my last soccer game is tomorrow, and i’m probably more sad about that than i should be. but my team this season is the best one i’ve ever played with. (or my favorite, anyway.) i’ve made friends with some guys i’ll be going to school with, and i think i’ve become a much better player, thanks to my amazing coach. i’ll definitely miss my team (oddly named kfc/kfbees) over the summer, but i think most of us are coming back for the fall season.
– me, my brother, and a few of our friends hung out at a bubble tea café one night. we watched shrek and played this really disturbing card game called exploding kittens. anyway, i know bubble tea is a trend right now, but i think it’s really gross? the drink i got was called orange green tea, i think, and while that tasted pretty good, i nearly threw up when i ate one of the bubbles. i strongly believe that that’s what an eyeball would taste like.
– last year, my friend izzy and i started working on the fishing badge at summer camp. since we weren’t allowed to keep the fish we caught at the lake, we weren’t able to complete the last requirement, which is to gut a fish. fortunately, my dad is a fisherman, so he brought us two fish and we cleaned them in the parking lot after soccer practice. it was really disgusting because they still had eyes, and mine bled more than izzy’s. still, i’m glad i finally have my badge. :)
– to earn our ahg level awards, another girl and i hosted a badge workshop. we met up at a park one morning and helped some of the younger members earn their nature & wildlife badge. we taught them about native animals, did a birdfeeder craft, took a short hike, identified edible plants, picked up trash, etc., all in one hour. it was actually quite fun, and i guess i enjoy working with kids? who knew.