(i decided to combine my april and may memoirs. if i hadn’t, both posts would have been really short.)
documenting a month through poems and journal entries and song lyrics so it doesn’t get lost in the gray fog that is my life.
i. so, look, i don’t know how to say this, but i was lying when i told you i didn’t know if i was still in love with you. i just don’t know what to do and it feels like my ribcage is going to crack open if i don’t say something soon. i don’t want perfect dates and cliché romance, i just want real, messy love, but i’m afraid that no matter how much i want it, this is not going to work.
ii. tonight my heart’s on the loose. talk myself out of feeling, talk myself out of control. talk myself out of falling in love, falling in love with you. (oh love // green day)
iii. it’s not fair! god, it’s not fair, how i could have lived anywhere in the world and i got stuck in the mountains with someone i will love forever from the background. this forsaken town aches because your name is plastered across every billboard, and even though it’s killing me to stay, i am too stubborn to leave.
iv. i’m talking to the ceiling. my life just lost all meaning. do one thing for me tonight, i’m dying in this silence. the last star left in heaven is falling down to earth, and . . . do you still feel the same way? (here’s your letter // blink-182)
v. here is my question for you: when will you stop hurting me? again and again, you appear in my life just to slip out without a word the next day. you take a shard of my heart every time you go; the unsaid goodbyes are eating me alive. i’ve had my heart broken by you enough times that there is not much left of me.
vi. weep for yourself, my man, you’ll never be what is in your heart. weep, little lion man, you’re not as brave as you were at the start. rate yourself and rake yourself; take all the courage you have left and waste it on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head. (little lion man // mumford & sons)
vii. so you can’t see me tonight; so you still can’t look me in the eyes. you may not be able to do everything, but i’m begging you — give me time to heal before you say “hello and i’m sorry” for the hundredth time.
viii. remember all those countless nights when i told you i loved you? and to never forget it — oh, just forget it! (your graduation // modern baseball)
ix. i am so upset that no one believes me! what will it take to make anyone care? i will have to be covered in my own blood with a split lip and broken nose before someone decides i am worthy of their help.
x. i want you to stop insisting that i’m not a lost cause, ’cause i’ve been through a lot. really all i’ve got is just to stay pissed off, if it’s alright by you. (rose-colored boy // paramore)
xi. why do you have to grin at me like that when i talk? you’re making me lose my train of thought.
i am going to miss you and the smell of cut grass and the dandelions tucked into your curls so much over the lonely summer months.
xii. it was summer when i saw your face, looked like a teenage runaway. oh god, i never thought we’d take it that far. some killer queen you are. (rollercoaster // bleachers)
xiii. i am sitting on top of a hill at night. lights from houses blink below us like fireflies. us — someone is crouched beside me, holding my hand. who are you?
blood, blood, dripping all over me, from my chest. an angel with sunkissed skin, blonde hair, and no wings climbs the hill and sits by my feet. his voice is soft, his fingers warm as they dip into the blood. softly, warmly, gently — i am going to hell.
xiv. i have this dream that i am hitting my dad with a baseball bat, and he is screaming and crying for help. and maybe halfway through, it has more to do with me killing him than it ever did with protecting myself. (father // the front bottoms)
xv. it makes me so sad that after seven months, we were finally in the same place at the same time, and i didn’t even say hello. i guess the timing just didn’t work out. it never seems to, for the two of us. please forgive me.
xvi. we’re alike, you and i. two blue hearts locked in our wrong minds. so can we make the most out of no time? can you hold me? can you make me leave my demons and my broken pieces behind? (WILD // troye sivan)
other songs to listen to:
not warriors // waterparks
still be around // a summer high
my my my! // troye sivan
i want to hold your hand // the beatles
the faster the treadmill // i fight dragons
never fall in love // jack antonoff, MØ
love me // the 1975
that girl // all time low
fake happy // paramore
stay the night // green day
HOLD ME TIGHT OR DON’T // fall out boy
don’t come down // the maine
dumpweed // blink-182
am i pretty? // the maine
when you see my friends // mayday parade
| inspired by the lovely rutvi |
– my last soccer game is tomorrow, and i’m probably more sad about that than i should be. but my team this season is the best one i’ve ever played with. (or my favorite, anyway.) i’ve made friends with some guys i’ll be going to school with, and i think i’ve become a much better player, thanks to my amazing coach. i’ll definitely miss my team (oddly named kfc/kfbees) over the summer, but i think most of us are coming back for the fall season.
– me, my brother, and a few of our friends hung out at a bubble tea café one night. we watched shrek and played this really disturbing card game called exploding kittens. anyway, i know bubble tea is a trend right now, but i think it’s really gross? the drink i got was called orange green tea, i think, and while that tasted pretty good, i nearly threw up when i ate one of the bubbles. i strongly believe that that’s what an eyeball would taste like.
– last year, my friend izzy and i started working on the fishing badge at summer camp. since we weren’t allowed to keep the fish we caught at the lake, we weren’t able to complete the last requirement, which is to gut a fish. fortunately, my dad is a fisherman, so he brought us two fish and we cleaned them in the parking lot after soccer practice. it was really disgusting because they still had eyes, and mine bled more than izzy’s. still, i’m glad i finally have my badge. :)
– to earn our ahg level awards, another girl and i hosted a badge workshop. we met up at a park one morning and helped some of the younger members earn their nature & wildlife badge. we taught them about native animals, did a birdfeeder craft, took a short hike, identified edible plants, picked up trash, etc., all in one hour. it was actually quite fun, and i guess i enjoy working with kids? who knew.
have a great day!