january memoir

documenting a month through poems and journal entries and song lyrics so it doesn’t get lost in the gray fog that is my life.


i. because when someone leaves you behind, what are you supposed to do but apologize? sorry for wasting your time. sorry for being too messed up for you to deal with. sorry for wanting you to change your mind because you promised you would stay.

ii. come on, make it easy. say i never mattered. (young volcanoes // fall out boy)

iii. did you ever really love me, or were you just lonely?
i did.
i did, too.
my friend, this is me trying to say i love you one last time.

v. i am the one who loved you, i am the one who stayed, i am the one and you walked away. (i am the one (reprise) // next to normal)

vi. my mom tells me it might have worked out if we were older. you could have chosen to see each other whenever you wanted. it’s hard to be in love when you’re a kid.

vii. and truth be told, i never was yours — the fear, the fear of falling apart. (this is gospel // panic! at the disco)

viii. i felt blank this morning. i was getting ready when something clicked off in my brain. my eyes stung and i felt staticky around the edges. i shut down and i barely noticed.

it’s difficult to be around people when something awful has just happened and they don’t know. everything is normal for them while you’re praying you’ll keep it together for three more hours.

ix. and there’s no one who knows and there’s nowhere to go. there’s no one to see who can see to my soul. (the mirror-blue night // spring awakening)

x. when you put two broken things together, they do not fix each other. there are too many sharp edges that cannot fit into place. maybe one day, our edges will be smooth enough that we can get close without being cut.

xi. love of my life, gone forever. get her back, good lord, you know i wish i could. (west virginia // the front bottoms)

xii. thrifting is when you find something broken, unwanted, thrown out; but it is perfect for you. loving is often the same.

xiii. looking at you makes it harder, but i know that you’ll find another that doesn’t always make you want to cry. (already gone (cover) // sleeping at last)


i’m trying something new this time. i’m going to talk about some of the fun/interesting stuff that happened in my life last month so this isn’t as depressing as my other memoirs. :)

| inspired by the lovely rutvi |

– i’ve been thrift shopping with my mum recently, and i’ve gotten lots of books + some odd junk that i couldn’t leave behind. a few of the books have notes in the margins and underlined sentences, which i think is really interesting, because i get to figure out what the person was like based on the quotes they picked out. some weird things i’ve found are baby doll heads, one half of a bff necklace, and an elegant lamp with a camo shade. maybe i’ll post a haul sometime.

– my bff izzy’s birthday was this month, and we went to an escape room to celebrate. i’ve played doors & rooms enough times that i was really good at finding clues. we played as thieves trying to steal the world’s largest diamond, and we thought that once we unlocked its display case, we would have won — but no, we had to escape the museum, too. we opened the exit door, but it just set off an insanely loud alarm and led to a closet where a police cutout was waiting. there was lots of screaming, and by the time we got to the right door, we were a minute over the time limit. and it sucked because we were so, so close, but apparently my friend and her dad did something extra that earned us a few more minutes, so we actually won. (we also got tiny plastic diamond souvenirs and they’re really cute.)

– after the escape room disaster, we went back to my friend’s house for cake and the like. i made the mistake of taking some unflattering photos of k, then showing them to izzy, who texted them to herself. k flipped out and tried to delete them off my ipod before they sent. before she could, izzy took my ipod and ran off, so k and i chased after her, but she had vanished. we were standing outside the bathroom, and the door was shut, so i told k that izzy was in there (i had no clue where she was, but it seemed likely). k slammed open the door, but surprise, it was izzy’s mom instead!! i got slapped for that but it was totally worth it.

dead poets society

– i watched dead poets society for the first time, and it messed me up. why would they do that?? w h y. i’m still upset about. i would definitely recommend watching it, but it does touch on suicide, so be careful.

– i was playing the game of life with izzy and a girl from church, and i drew an action cad that said i had won an award for best forehead. izzy and i had calculated the volume of my forehead one time during science, so it was rather fitting.

– during lunch one day, i hung out in the classroom with my math teacher and talked to him about serial killers. i enjoy reading their wikipedia pages at night when i’m home alone. apparently he thinks they’re interesting, too, and emailed my mom during our conversation to tell her that i’m “a gem.” (he also had the first kotlc book on a shelf with all his math textbooks??)

– my brother made a chess set out of legos (star wars vs. lotr + skeletons) and roped me into playing with him. i usually avoid chess games with him because i always lose, but it was really close this time?? i would have won if i hadn’t read into it too much and tried to block a move he hadn’t even thought of. but anyway, once he killed my king, i announced that he was a puppet ruler and the new king was one of the knights. he copied my idea and made obi-wan the monarch. eventually he trapped his new king and i was able to slaughter him.

– i started repainting my loft bed just before christmas (purple to white), so i’ve been sleeping on the floor since then. it’s finally finished, so i just got to spend the night in my real bed for the first time in over a month. :)

– new additions to my folder of shame:

“who here is straight?” “oh, i hope i’m not straight.” -my friend, who i’m pretty sure actually is straight??

“if capitalism is so great, why is my ice cream melting?” -me, eating ice cream soup and blaming it on The Man

“it’s all good. i’m super edgy. i’m the edgiest person out of all my friends at school.” -n, who probably is the edgiest of his friends, seeing as he doesn’t have any

xo apollo

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aesthetic | apollo

hey pals, i made an aesthetic for myself, am i cool and relevant now??  i’ve also written a caption for each picture explaining how it represents me.

(inspired by life in a blogshell.)

  it’s no surprise that i’m a huge bookworm. i’ve been reading for as long as i can remember, mostly fantasy stories, because i get to focus on dragons and magic and epic quests for a bit instead of real life. but recently i’ve been getting into contemporary, paranormal, and poetry.

of course music is on here, it’s such a huge part of my life. for me, there’s almost nothing better than finding a new band that i love. music has always been there, it’s something to fall back on, and the music i listen to has definitely shaped me as a person. (click here for music recommendations.)

i’m gonna be honest: getting older absolutely terrifies me. as much as i want to move out, live alone, and do my own thing, i hate the thought of growing up. i don’t want to see myself physically aging (it’s kind of an irrational fear of mine, i guess), and i don’t want to know that i’ve wasted so many years of my life, and that there’s no way to get them back.

i live in a valley, and it’s a great place for adventuring: mountains everywhere, rivers and lakes, fields, as well as a downtown area for urban exploring. wandering by myself or with a friend is one of my favorite things to do, and i wish i did it more often. when i go on walks, i always bring my camera with me and end up picking lots of flowers.

i like to think of myself as punk /grunge, but the truth is, i’m probably just emo. however, i do love punk music, clothes, ideology, etc. something about it makes me feel confident and fierce.

there’s no way for me to express just how much i adore camp. i love the heat and sweat, the laughter, the crappy food, the smell of the lake, the woods, the rainstorms, the annoying campfire songs — everything about it. i’ll be old enough to work at mine when i’m sixteen, and i can’t wait.

i saw something online that said “i’m glad it’s cold outside again so i can wear cool jackets instead of having a personality,” and if that doesn’t sum me up, idk what does. i currently have a leather jacket and a denim one that houses my growing collection of pins and patches.

i could try to explain my fascination with ghosts with something deep and gloomy about loss, but the truth is that i just like paranormal stuff. aliens, cryptids, hauntings, etc. are just super interesting to me, and while i don’t really believe they all exist, they’re fun to think about and search for.

i’ve tried a few instruments in my life (flute + guitar), and ukulele is the only one i’ve stuck with so far. it’s incredibly easy to learn, everything sounds happy on it, and i love taking pictures of it because it’s so small and adorable.


i hope you guys enjoyed reading this! if any of you create an aesthetic for yourself, i’d love to see it. :) i made mine using canva and images from pinterest.

xo apollo

december memoir

documenting a month through poems and journal entries and song lyrics so it doesn’t get lost in the gray fog that is my life.


i. another year of loving something just out of reach. you are a ghost of a kiss.

ii. it hurts that you are replacing me and i have no one to take your spot. i am tired of missing you and not being able to do anything about it.

iii. i wish i didn’t really kiss the mirror when i’m on my own. oh god, i’m gonna die alone. (teen idle // marina and the diamonds)

v. i haven’t been this angry in a long time. i know that she is just trying to help, and that i am being completely unreasonable. but, god, she is ignorant and i want to break things.

vi. i don’t blame you for being you, but you can’t blame me for hating it. (a little less sixteen candles, a little more “touch me” // fall out boy)

vii. i ran across the city to get to you. cold air, street lamps, heavy breaths, tight chest, shoes pounding against concrete. with every step, i thought, i am getting closer to my future or closer to heartbreak. but i missed you. and i sprinted through the crowded sidewalks again before missing you a second time.

viii. i’d promise you anything for another shot at life. (disloyal order of water buffaloes // fall out boy)

ix. i had a dream where we danced together as it snowed. i have been smiling all day.

i just want to dance with you. i’ve never learned how and i don’t think you have, either, but it doesn’t matter. i want to hold your hands and sway and spin and have you fall in love with me again.

can we try? i don’t care if your palms sweat or if you step on my feet or if the music is bad. just dance with me, please.

x. and i’ve been talking to God, asking for just a little help with you, but it’s hopeless. it’s not the first time, but this one really carved it in. tell your new friends that they don’t know you like i do. it’s over. i wanna see you again, i wanna feel it again. (oh well, oh well // mayday parade)

xi. i am at a party with sweets in my hands, smiling with my friends, and something goes wrong. suddenly everyone is staring at me and expecting the right words from my mouth and the world is caving in, and i can run and cover my ears, but i can still hear the laughter.

xii. one track mind, one track heart. if i fail, i’ll fall apart. maybe it is all a test, cause i feel like i’m the worst so i always act like i’m the best. (oh no! // marina and the diamonds)

xiii. anger, even when it’s not directed at me, makes me hate myself. maybe anger is contagious. maybe one person’s cruelty sparks it in others until everyone’s fists are raised and tears feel like acid on your cheeks. if you could just say you’re sorry — would that be so hard? — i could lower my hands and leave you without guilt tucked into my suitcase.

xiv. the best way to make it through with hearts and wrists intact is to realize that two out of three ain’t bad. (i’m like a lawyer with the way i’m always trying to get you off (me & you) // fall out boy)

 

xv. i am afraid i will not go to heaven. i have been told so many times that i do not deserve it.

xvi. mama who bore me, mama who gave me no way to handle things, who made me so sad. mama, the weeping. mama, the angels. no sleep in heaven, or bethlehem. (mama who bore me (reprise) // spring awakening)

xvii. i woke up before dawn and ran outside in my pajamas to watch the sunrise. water dripped down my forehead  and the sky was pink and orange and i was freezing. it was beautiful and you never realize just how little you matter until you are huddled under a watercolor sunrise.

xviii. i’m just a moment, so don’t let me pass you by. we could be a story in the morning, but we’ll be a legend tonight. (outlines // all time low)

xix. life goes on. life goes on, even when you don’t want it to, when you want to pause it and live in that moment because things are good.

things were not good, but i had you and a dream of leaving, and that made them good. i do not want life to go on if you are not in it. i want to live in a moment when you are still here.

xx. best friends, ex-friends to the end. better off as lovers and not the other way around. (bang the doldrums // fall out boy)

xxi. my friends and i cuddled on the fold-out bed in the basement that creaks when you move and pokes you with its springs in the most tender spots. we were laughing, hands intertwined, radiating warmth and lazy joy. i said that i could never be the one to end things because i wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt of breaking someone’s heart, and they agreed.

i didn’t know that you were thinking of ways to say goodbye. i wonder if it would have made a difference if you’d been able to hear us sift through our memories and remember how things began. i am both angry and relieved that you do not seem to bear the same guilt that i do, and i don’t know how that can be.

xxii. i would’ve married you in vegas, had you given me the chance to say “i do.” (vegas // all time low)

xxiii. i said that 2016 was the worst year of my life, because i lost you for the first time and nothing had ever hurt more. now i am saying that 2017 was the worst, because i lost you again and it hurt more than before, more than i imagined anything could hurt. today, it is 2018, and i am afraid that it will be the worst year of my life, because i think i am going to lose you again, permanently. maybe i will recover from this, but not if you are gone forever.

xxiv. i came out grieving, barely breathing and you came out alright. but i’m sure you’ll take his hand, i hope he’s better than i ever could have been. my mistakes were not intentions, this is a list of my confessions i couldn’t say. pain is never permanent but tonight it’s killing me. (december // neck deep)

xo apollo

// truce //

now the night is coming to an end
the sun will rise and we will try again

stay alive, stay alive for me
you will die, but now your life is free
take pride in what is sure to die

i will fear the night again
i hope i’m not my only friend

stay alive, stay alive for me
you will die, but now your life is free
take pride in what is sure to die

truce // twenty one pilots


truce (noun): an agreement between enemies or opponents to stop fighting or arguing for a certain time.

to the universe,

let something wonderful happen and i will stop begging for good things every night. i will stop crying out to you that the garden on my lot has wilted. just send some sunlight to bring the flowers back to life.

to my love,

i will stay alive for you if you will stay alive with me.

(easier said than done, darling.)

i think both of our hourglasses are almost empty.

xo apollo

november memoir

Edit Post ‹ let's be lost — WordPress.com - Mozilla Firefox 1262017 23727 PM

documenting a month through poems and journal entries and song lyrics so it doesn’t get lost in the gray fog that is my life.


i. i have a loft bed. when the lights are out and i’m climbing the ladder, the bunched up blankets take the form of someone curled up under the covers. a monster, something that looks like me, has stolen my spot.

but then i think, perhaps i’m the monster and the girl in the bed is the real apollo. i’ve always been sure that i’m the human one, but maybe there’s no way to know.

there’s never anything in the bed, of course.

ii. don’t depend on me to ever follow through on anything, but i’d go through hell for you. (going away to college // blink-182)

iii. there is a boy that i’m very fond of. he goes to a church close to my house and sometimes my mom will take me to see him after the service. i haven’t gone in over a month, i guess, even though being near him is all i want.

i have a reason. i was upset at myself, and i thought the best punishment was to stay away from him. and i was right, of course. nothing hurts more than having a chance to see him and saying no. and he won’t read this, but i’m sorry. i’m so, so sorry.

iv. you were the last good thing about this part of town. (grand theft autumn/where is your boy // fall out boy)

v. i keep having to stop and think about how familiar everything feels. i think it’s the sweatshirts and autumn air and shoes against pavement and the loneliness.

vi. think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts. ((headfirst for halos // my chemical romance)

vii. i don’t really talk to myself anymore. i talk to you, in my head. you never answer, of course. so in that way, it’s not very different from talking to you when you’re next to me.

viii. i need you to believe me, can you trust me, that what you see is not what i see? the reflection in the mirror’s telling lies. cause nothing you have done could change how much i love you. (invisible // disciple)

ix. i am too quiet. i am too sad. i am too slow. i am too small. i am too difficult. i am too little or i am too much. i am never enough; i am never just right.

x. if you died i’d hope you’d haunt me, cause you know i’d miss you bad. (i’ll always be around // waterparks)

xi. i am tired and i don’t want to go to school tomorrow and i don’t want to keep thinking about you, but i know i’m going to anyway. i am so tired. i want to cry but there’s nothing there.

xii. shatter your skull, fight pain with more pain. forget who you are, unburden your load. forget in six weeks you’ll be back on the road. (freeze your brain // heathers)

xiii. please don’t leave me completely. you know that would shatter me and all my hopes for the future. i would miss you forever, even if you don’t miss me.

xiv. allow me to exaggerate a memory or two, where summers lasted longer than, well, longer than we do. when nothing really mattered except for me to be with you. but in time we forgot and we all grew. (folkin’ around // panic! at the disco)

xv. this season has been ruined for me. everything that happened in these colder months a year ago are still haunting me. i catch myself staring at calendars and remembering how each day felt like the worst one i had ever survived.

xvi. when you go, just know that i will remember you. if living was the hardest part, we’ll then one day be together. and in the end we’ll fall apart, just like the leaves change in colors. and then i will be with you, i will be there one last time. (it’s not a fashion statement, it’s a deathwish // my chemical romance)

xvii. i read a book where two best friends ran away together. they stayed in a crappy hotel by the ocean and drank and planned their future, listening to the sighing of the waves drifting in through the window. they slept side by side, dreaming together, content with their nearness. i cried for hours after i read it because that is all i want for you and me, and even something so simple is out of reach for us.

xo apollo

missed connections

i am afraid that one day
 i will be married
and i will cry myself to sleep
because i didn’t end up with you
and you will always be
the boy i miss

-m i s s e d  c o n n e c t i o n s 


today was not great. i was late to my soccer game because some days it hurts too much to get out of bed. it was freezing this morning and i could barely move my fingers by the end of the game. my friend bailed on me and i had to go to a church event alone, where i spent three hours trying to entertain a loud, energetic child with a tiny attention span. when i came home, i found that a book had been left on the sidewalk and had gotten soaked by the rain. i tried to do schoolwork that was due earlier this week, but i couldn’t concentrate. my head hurt and i was tired. it took me five hours to write 500 words for nano, and they weren’t even good words.

i miss my friends and i miss being told that i am loved and i miss my camp and i miss yesterday’s sunset and i miss getting in the ocean at night and i miss when it didn’t hurt to wake up. life is all about missing things and people and moments.

my head still hurts. and this is just me venting with some sucky poetry. i’m sorry. i’ve been angry today and it feels good to write things down.

xo apollo