may memoir

(i decided to combine my april and may memoirs. if i hadn’t, both posts would have been really short.)

documenting a month through poems and journal entries and song lyrics so it doesn’t get lost in the gray fog that is my life.


i. so, look, i don’t know how to say this, but i was lying when i told you i didn’t know if i was still in love with you. i just don’t know what to do and it feels like my ribcage is going to crack open if i don’t say something soon. i don’t want perfect dates and cliché romance, i just want real, messy love, but i’m afraid that no matter how much i want it, this is not going to work.

ii. tonight my heart’s on the loose. talk myself out of feeling, talk myself out of control. talk myself out of falling in love, falling in love with you. (oh love // green day)

iii. it’s not fair! god, it’s not fair, how i could have lived anywhere in the world and i got stuck in the mountains with someone i will love forever from the background. this forsaken town aches because your name is plastered across every billboard, and even though it’s killing me to stay, i am too stubborn to leave.

iv. i’m talking to the ceiling. my life just lost all meaning. do one thing for me tonight, i’m dying in this silence. the last star left in heaven is falling down to earth, and . . . do you still feel the same way? (here’s your letter // blink-182)

v. here is my question for you: when will you stop hurting me? again and again, you appear in my life just to slip out without a word the next day. you take a shard of my heart every time you go; the unsaid goodbyes are eating me alive. i’ve had my heart broken by you enough times that there is not much left of me.

vi. weep for yourself, my man, you’ll never be what is in your heart. weep, little lion man, you’re not as brave as you were at the start. rate yourself and rake yourself; take all the courage you have left and waste it on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head. (little lion man // mumford & sons)

vii. so you can’t see me tonight; so you still can’t look me in the eyes. you may not be able to do everything, but i’m begging you — give me time to heal before you say “hello and i’m sorry” for the hundredth time.

viii. remember all those countless nights when i told you i loved you? and to never forget it — oh, just forget it! (your graduation // modern baseball)

ix. i am so upset that no one believes me! what will it take to make anyone care? i will have to be covered in my own blood with a split lip and broken nose before someone decides i am worthy of their help.

x. i want you to stop insisting that i’m not a lost cause, ’cause i’ve been through a lot. really all i’ve got is just to stay pissed off, if it’s alright by you. (rose-colored boy // paramore)

xi. why do you have to grin at me like that when i talk? you’re making me lose my train of thought.

i am going to miss you and the smell of cut grass and the dandelions tucked into your curls so much over the lonely summer months.

xii. it was summer when i saw your face, looked like a teenage runaway. oh god, i never thought we’d take it that far. some killer queen you are. (rollercoaster // bleachers)

xiii. i am sitting on top of a hill at night. lights from houses blink below us like fireflies. us — someone is crouched beside me, holding my hand. who are you?

blood, blood, dripping all over me, from my chest. an angel with sunkissed skin, blonde hair, and no wings climbs the hill and sits by my feet. his voice is soft, his fingers warm as they dip into the blood. softly, warmly, gently — i am going to hell.

xiv. i have this dream that i am hitting my dad with a baseball bat, and he is screaming and crying for help. and maybe halfway through, it has more to do with me killing him than it ever did with protecting myself. (father // the front bottoms)

xv. it makes me so sad that after seven months, we were finally in the same place at the same time, and i didn’t even say hello. i guess the timing just didn’t work out. it never seems to, for the two of us. please forgive me.

xvi. we’re alike, you and i. two blue hearts locked in our wrong minds. so can we make the most out of no time? can you hold me? can you make me leave my demons and my broken pieces behind? (WILD // troye sivan)


other songs to listen to:

not warriors // waterparks
still be around // a summer high
my my my! // troye sivan
i want to hold your hand // the beatles
the faster the treadmill // i fight dragons
never fall in love // jack antonoff, MØ
love me // the 1975
that girl // all time low
fake happy // paramore
stay the night // green day
HOLD ME TIGHT OR DON’T // fall out boy
don’t come down // the maine
dumpweed // blink-182
am i pretty? // the maine
when you see my friends // mayday parade


life updates

| inspired by the lovely rutvi |

– my last soccer game is tomorrow, and i’m probably more sad about that than i should be. but my team this season is the best one i’ve ever played with. (or my favorite, anyway.) i’ve made friends with some guys i’ll be going to school with, and i think i’ve become a much better player, thanks to my amazing coach. i’ll definitely miss my team (oddly named kfc/kfbees) over the summer, but i think most of us are coming back for the fall season.

– me, my brother, and a few of our friends hung out at a bubble tea café one night. we watched shrek and played this really disturbing card game called exploding kittens. anyway, i know bubble tea is a trend right now, but i think it’s really gross? the drink i got was called orange green tea, i think, and while that tasted pretty good, i nearly threw up when i ate one of the bubbles. i strongly believe that that’s what an eyeball would taste like.

– last year, my friend izzy and i started working on the fishing badge at summer camp. since we weren’t allowed to keep the fish we caught at the lake, we weren’t able to complete the last requirement, which is to gut a fish. fortunately, my dad is a fisherman, so he brought us two fish and we cleaned them in the parking lot after soccer practice. it was really disgusting because they still had eyes, and mine bled more than izzy’s. still, i’m glad i finally have my badge. :)

– to earn our ahg level awards, another girl and i hosted a badge workshop. we met up at a park one morning and helped some of the younger members earn their nature & wildlife badge. we taught them about native animals, did a birdfeeder craft, took a short hike, identified edible plants,  picked up trash, etc., all in one hour. it was actually quite fun, and i guess i enjoy working with kids? who knew.

have a great day!

xo apollo

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you are allowed to change

 a few days ago, my brother paused, stared at me, and said, “you don’t tuck your shirts in,” even though my shirt was clearly tucked in. it seemed to blow his mind, like styling my clothes slightly differently made me a whole new person.

and it happens all the time. “you don’t like that kind of music.” “but you’ve always hated that food.” “since when do you care about that?” sure, but people and opinions change. i am allowed to grow and like different things and become a better version of myself.

it feels like i am trapped in a box that was the right size for me two years ago, but is cramped and suffocating now.

a few weeks ago, i was talking to a girl i was friends with when i was much younger. i could tell, just from that conversation, that she was confused by how different i am now. but do people really expect me to be the same thing that i was always been?

i think my old friends would not like the new me. i’ve picked up bad habits that i can’t shake, i’ve become a pessimist, it’s so hard for me to pretend that things are good. but now i listen to the radio, i cry whenever it rains, i make music, i hold my friends’ hands, i feel everyone’s emotions. every time i change, i like myself more and more. one day i am going to be the best, kindest, most wonderful version of myself, and no one i know now will recognize me.

please don’t be afraid of changing and liking new things. you don’t have to stay the way you are if you don’t want to, and you don’t need to get stuck in the box once you’ve outgrown it.

i sing at the top of my lungs when i’m alone. i write poems for my friends and they tape them up on their walls. i tie knots in my t-shirts and let the sun warm my stomach. sometimes i listen to pop because lighthearted music makes me happy. i cut my hair short because someone told me they only like girls with long hair. i am eager to fight back against those who continually hurt me.

when i wake up tomorrow, i will have changed again, and i will hear “but you don’t do that” for the hundredth time this week. but i will be better than i am now; i will find a way out of the me-shaped box.

i didn’t know i was broken ’til i wanted to change. (i wanna get better // bleachers)

xo apollo

march memoir

documenting a month through poems and journal entries and song lyrics so it doesn’t get lost in the gray fog that is my life.


i. i am a creature of the past, discarded with all the bloody tissues, wilted flowers, and unsent love notes. everyone is growing up and moving on except for me. i know living in the past with long gone lovers causes the familiar ache of heartbroken nostalgia, but i also know that the past in the only place i can be with you.

ii. you are a broken heart tattoo i’ll have forever on my chest for a love that i have lost, but never could forget. (wolfman // the front bottoms)

ii. if there is one thing i want to know, it’s if the right people at the wrong time get a second chance. because i’m terrified that they don’t, and that i’ve been hanging onto old feelings for no reason.

iv. pardon me, cutting sleep. i’m taking up grinding teeth. you’re why i’m sitting here, hating myself for needing someone so bad and feeling dumb dumb dumb dumb. (peach (lobotomy) // waterparks)

v. sometimes i think i’m still into you, and the next day i’ll tell myself that i’m over it. but the truth is that i’ve loved you for so long that it’s in my dna. loving you is part of who i am.

vi. ’cause after all this time, i’m still into you. i should be over all the butterflies, but i’m into you. and baby, even our worst nights, i’m into you. (still into you // paramore)

vii. love, i don’t know how to say this gently, but i pray you’ll forgive me: i am so, so sorry for what i know i will do to you. i’m afraid that i’ve become something smoldering and poisonous, and if you insist on staying with me, you are going to get hurt.

viii. i wanna hold hands with you, but that’s all i wanna do right now. and i wanna get close to you, ’cause your hands and lips still know their way around. and i know i like to draw at night, it starts to get surreal. but the less time that i spend with you, the less you need to heal. (TALK ME DOWN // troye sivan)

ix. yellow light, aching feet, scratchy sheets. voices grate against my mind — so-and-so’s girlfriend, calories, i saw this thing on instagram. i want to pull this cheap hotel blanket over my head and melt into the mattress. i love you, i swear it’s true, but if you touch me, i think i’m going to break your arm.

x. you’re talking with your friends, secrets they’ll never keep. they’re sitting on your bed, and all you want is sleep. pretend that this is fake, it helps to kill the pain. all that you want is different, all that you’ll get is same. (lipstick covered magnet // the front bottoms)

xi. someday i’ll be grown up and i’ll realize it’s been a few months since i heard from you. i’ll sit down on my bed, cross my legs, and look through all the pictures of you and me, reliving the memories: laying in the summer sunshine while holding hands, bringing down the stars for you, ice cream and coffee dates, all the nights we spent in each others arms when the world was perfect.

and i’ll wonder what would have happened if i’d found the courage to tell you. i think, blue eyes, that you would have left anyway. there’s only one way this could have ended, and this is it.

xii. you never knew — well, i never told you. everything i know about breaking hearts i learned from you, it’s true. (there’s no ‘i’ in team // taking back sunday)


other songs to listen to:

brooklyn’s here // newsies
you don’t love me like you should // hey violet
break my heart // hey violet
watching for comets // skillet
we need to talk // waterparks


life updates

| inspired by the lovely rutvi |

horrible before picture, an after picture (i looked decent for once and had to cover my face? unbelievable), and a fitting tweet.

– i’ve mentioned this before, but at the beginning of the month, i cut my hair off. i hadn’t done anything drastic with my hair since about third or fourth grade, so the whole thing was new and exciting. i’m really loving it so far. i know i probably looked prettier when my hair was long, but a short haircut feels more like me.

– two of my best friends and i spent a weekend in d.c. (read the first part of my travel diary here.) walking through a humming city for hours with people i love awakened this itch to go. i don’t know where i want to go, but i need to move and see new places or this feeling is going to eat me alive.

me and my pal beth from summer camp.

– a few girls from my ahg troop went to a lock-in at a rock climbing gym, my bff izzy and i included. we stayed up all night, obviously, and climbed until probably five in the morning. it was exhausting, and my hands hurt from belaying for hours, but i loved it. i have pictures, so i’ll hopefully post about it at some point.

– my family helped out with our church’s easter event, road to resurrection. basically, we decorated the building to look like jerusalem, and then visitors were guided through and taught about the easter story in an interactive way. my mum and i worked together at one of the destinations, which was supposed to be the east gate. we mostly talked about the prophecy in zechariah 9:9. we were set up in a glass hallway, and it got incredibly hot, but they did get us pizza at the end, so i suppose it was worth it.

– new additions to my folder of shame:

“we’ve all had our heart broken by zac efron. you’re not special.” -me, while watching hairspray the musical with my bff

“mom! he’s poking my fork with a butt! wait, no –” -something you will hear often in my house

xo apollo

february memoir 

documenting a month through poems and journal entries and song lyrics so it doesn’t get lost in the gray fog that is my life.


i. love, what is hope?

hope is the thought that tomorrow will be better than today. hope is telling yourself that there are good things in the future. hope is whispering “i’ll be ok” over and over like a prayer. hope is the feeling in my heart when i see you. 

love, hope is something i do not have.

ii. and i’ve never had to face the world without her by my side. now i’m strolling right beside her as the black hole opens wide. mine is just a slower suicide. (i’ve been // next to normal)

iii. i want to stand in the sun, unashamed, colors and secrets bared, and hear that in my god’s eyes, i am still something worthy of earthly and divine love.

iv. someday becomes somehow, and a prayer becomes a vow. (seize the day // newsies)

v. maybe i will make like a turtle and carry home on my back, because i have yet to find a place i belong in or a person i belong with.

vi. but when you read my fortune, are we running home or running free today? (maya the psychic // gerard way)

vii. loving is hard, because although they say they care, there is always something about me they would change or erase. i have yet to find unconditional love from a human, and maybe there’s a reason for that.

viii. ‘cause there’s always time for second guesses, i don’t wanna know. if you’re gonna be the death of me, that’s how i wanna go. (collar full // panic! at the disco)

ix. i want to move out as soon as i can. maybe i’ll leave a note; maybe i’ll send a text; maybe i’ll just be gone. i might come back someday, but there’s nothing worth staying for anymore. that might be why i want to go — to find something that will be enough to make me stand still, for a moment, for the rest of eternity.

x. they call me homewrecker. i’m only happy when i’m on the run. i break a million hearts just for fun. i don’t belong to anyone! (homewrecker // marina and the diamonds)

xi. there is so much hatred in this world that i can’t do anything about. but i believe that people themselves are good. i hope that i will find kind humans full of light and love, and i pray that they will not leave me alone again.

xii. i can try to get by, but every time i start to panic. i’m a little bit shy, a bit strange, and a little bit manic. (wishing well // blink-182)

xiii. i think some things speak for themselves, like the way i walk around with unfocused eyes, and anyone who knows me knows that i have time traveled to a year ago. i don’t see the snowflakes drifting in out of view; i see the way your smile looked when you played love songs to me in the middle of the night. i don’t feel the fire against my skin, i feel the ghost of your arms around me, and how i prayed for that comfort everyday and still do. i cannot sense a future for myself, because i am stuck in the past, and the memories — nervous, shaking, shy memories — are stuck with me.

xiv. alone, awake, and thinking of the weekend we were in love. (on the wing // owl city)


life updates

| inspired by the lovely rutvi |

Related image– my brother, my mum, and i watched all of sherlock. i find crime and murder fascinating (i can tell you all about the zodiac killer. how twisted am i?), so it was pretty much the perfect show for me. we were talking about which character we’re most like, and my family decided that i would be sherlock holmes, because we’re both dramatic, snarky, loyal, self-destructive, and “emotional addicts,” whatever that’s supposed to mean.

– my brother and i took a personality alignment test (yes, we’re geeks). i got chaotic good, which i feel is the same as comparing someone to a golden retriever. apparently that kind of personality believes “you shall break the law in pursuit of goodness,” they “distrust authority,” “disrupt the order of society,” are rebellious, and, i quote, are “anarchic,” which is honestly spot on.

– i was looking around this little art shop when i found some of those poseable mannequins. naturally, i made them do the ymca (or tried to, anyway). i ended up buying one to share with my mum, and it’s currently dabbing on my desk.

– i took this really important math test (six pages long) and somehow absolutely aced it?? i got 49 ½/50, which was apparently the highest score in the class. i’m going to frame the test and display it in my room forever.

– i tried making soap for the first time in years, and they turned out surprisingly well. (although they did get stuck in the plastic molds and i had to cut them to get the soap out.) anyway, the yellow one has orange peels in it and is tangerine-scented, and the swirled one (my favorite) is peppermint.

– my cat, navi, has been sleeping with me more often. she curls up on my chest and purrs in my ear and it’s super comforting. she’s not exactly tiny, so it hurts after awhile, but it’s worth it.

– new additions to my folder of shame:

“the only thing latin is good for is summoning demons.”

my brother called the national anthem “the american theme song.” ???

xo apollo

youth retreat travel diary

a group shot ft. callie the dog’s butt.

you know how much i like travel diaries. they’re a fun way for me to record my adventures. this particular one is about spending a weekend in the mountains on a youth retreat. :)

also, i’m aware that the pictures suck. i was cold and in a hurry, and this is all i have.


« day one »

my mum took me to the meeting point, the church’s office. i chilled there for a bit before the leaders made us load up our bags and get settled in the buses. they managed to fit all the girls in this giant white vehicle and we played name games and telephone on the ninety minute ride.

i love the drive up to the lodge. the serpentine roads are bordered with pine trees, the sheer drop-offs make you dizzy, and once you’re out of the forest, there is so much sky. last year, the sunset stained the whole world; this time, it was just cloudy, but still gorgeous.

the girls stayed in the “doughnut room” — a circular space with a closet in the middle, with bunk beds lining the walls. once we’d all unpacked, we sat in the dining hall and decided what animal everyone would be. i was told that i would be a doe, graceful and light. i don’t think i have great self-awareness, so it was really interesting to see how others perceive me.

we played spoons after that. i happen to be an expert at that game, and i was the first to get a spoon about 4/5 times. i’ve even played full contact spoons, which is excellent and violent.

the lodge director preaches after every meal. the room he talks in has this domed window on the ceiling, and i think i spend more time staring up at the sky than listening.

anyway, on friday night, the director spoke about spiritual highs and lows. when you’re at the lodge, surrounded by other christians, it’s easy to feel on fire for the Lord. but when you’re home and back in your routine, the only way to stay close to God is by reading the bible everyday.

they leave that room open every night for prayer. i stayed there for awhile to write in my journal, and the youth leader who invited me on the retreat prayed with me. we talked about the school shooting and my family and maybe some other things, but i was tired and i love her voice, so whatever she said just kind of floated through my head like soft music.

« day two »

i got up super early on saturday morning. it was still dark. but the world was beginning to wake up, so i did, too.

i won a game that day. it wasn’t very fun, but hey, i got prizes: a giant hershey’s cookies ‘n’ cream bar, a freaking enormous tube of sweetarts (like, as long as my leg), and a basketball net that you wear on your head. i gave the net to this annoying kid who sang the sound of silence // disturbed nonstop last year.

after the morning service, they made us have time alone with God. i read my bible by the creek. i’ve been going through psalms, but i lost my bookmark, so i decided to read 1 corinthians instead.

then we were all forced outside into the damp, freezing wilderness to play ultimate dodgeball. it can be fun, but the game just goes on and on forever.

a group of us went inside early and played wild uno in the dining hall by the fire. wild uno is just like normal uno, but if you have a card that’s identical to the one in the center, you can play when it’s not your turn. it’s really fun and intense.

i made a friend while playing cards, i guess: one of the youth leaders, a guy named johnny. he’s twenty-something and doesn’t know how to shuffle. we teased each other during the game, and it was probably the most fun i had all weekend.

it started snowing while we played, giant fluffy flakes. snow in the mountains is so quiet and peaceful. i wish i could live in the feeling of watching the snowflakes dance down from the sky.

there was a competition that day to see which team could build the best structure out of marshmallows and toothpicks (slightly better than last year, which used chewed bubblegum instead of marshmallows). i knew my team was going to lose as soon as one of the members started talking about donald trump.

so i was forced to shape innocent marshmallows into a wall, a giant stick figure of the president, and the words “make america great again.” i hated every second of it, and we got dead last, as i had predicted.

i think i might have wandered around outside with my camera after that, but i can’t be sure. time kind of blends together up there. the lodge director talked to me for a bit, and he remembered my name, which is pretty dang impressive. see, i’d only met him once before, and that was an entire year ago.

sometime in the evening, we played silent football, aka my least favorite game in the world. there are so many ridiculous rules, and breaking any of them will get you disqualified. these rules included no laughing, smiling, covering your mouth/face, pointing, saying someone’s name, etc. i made it pretty far before i was kicked out (for gesturing), but i was actually super relieved when i was. it felt like i’d been sitting there for hours and i was glad to be moving again.

there’s one place in the lodge that should really have stairs, but has ramps instead. unless you’re wearing shoes and taking huge steps, it’s kind of impossible to climb. anyway, these ramps are perfect for sliding down on in your socks. so some of us took advantage of this and did tricks while sliding down, like spinning, doing splits, dabbing, and going down on your stomach like a penguin. it was fun, but also kind of painful.

one of the staffers got a chance to preach that night. he talked about zechariah 9:1-13, and how God is basically our dad, and he won’t let people pick on his kids.

some of the girls chilled in the dorm after that. we talked about suffocation, abusive siblings, who has the best calves, clinical waterboarding — you know, normal girl things.

they organized a game of murder in the dark later. i used to play it all the time with my brother’s friends, but it was much different playing with so many people. i got killed in probably the third round, which is honestly better than i expected?? anyway, i was killed at the bottom of the stairs, so i had to lay there while people stepped over me. one guy tripped on my legs and we both got hurt, so that was fun.

there are these nooks above the stairs that are only accessible by climbing up on the railing. i suggested that johnny hide in one and grab people’s heads as they walked under him. there were more screams that round. >:)

« day three »

on saturday night, someone started recruiting people for a sunrise hike the next morning. for some reason, my dumb self thought that sounded great! so i was woken up at 5:30 on sunday and shoved out into the disgustingly cold world with damp hair.

i’ll talk about the sunrise hike more in a different post. just know that in the end, i was really glad i did it. :)

they scheduled another “time alone with God” session after breakfast. i was so exhausted that i fell asleep in the hallway with my bible in my lap. hopefully it looked like i was deep in prayer, but who knows. i would have slept all the way through the midday service if a girl (she’s an aesthetic q u e e n) hadn’t woken me up.

instead of preaching, the lodge director asked what we had learned that weekend. people said things like, “i should read my bible more,” “i shouldn’t be ashamed to stand up for Jesus,” “God wants to know me; all that’s standing in the way is me.”

i didn’t say it, but i think i learned a lot about family. youth leaders, even ones who know nothing more than my name, have been some of the most helpful and caring people in my life. they’ve calmed me down after anxiety attacks, made sure i ate, driven to my house at midnight when i was super freaked out and needed someone to talk to. and maybe i’ve felt more at home with kind christians with soft voices than i’ve ever felt with my own kin.

everyone got packed back into the buses afterward. i got a seat all the way in the back, and it felt like i was on a roller coaster, but that’s cool with me.

one of the youth leaders sat with me, and she flat out asked for my life story. i can’t keep eye contact when i’m talking about myself, so i was basically having a conversation with the window instead of her.

the whole thing left me absolutely exhausted. i’ve been home for over a week and it still feels like i haven’t gotten my energy back. i’ve just been sleeping and sleeping and sleeping.

last year, i went on the retreat with my friend n. he wasn’t there this time, and it was kind of boring without him. i didn’t have anyone to talk to. i’m still glad i went, though; i think i learned more about being a christian, and it was definitely better than being at home all weekend.

i am not my own, for i have been made new. please don’t let me go, i desperately need you. (meteor shower // owl city)

xo apollo

january memoir

documenting a month through poems and journal entries and song lyrics so it doesn’t get lost in the gray fog that is my life.


i. because when someone leaves you behind, what are you supposed to do but apologize? sorry for wasting your time. sorry for being too messed up for you to deal with. sorry for wanting you to change your mind because you promised you would stay.

ii. come on, make it easy. say i never mattered. (young volcanoes // fall out boy)

iii. did you ever really love me, or were you just lonely?
i did.
i did, too.
my friend, this is me trying to say i love you one last time.

v. i am the one who loved you, i am the one who stayed, i am the one and you walked away. (i am the one (reprise) // next to normal)

vi. my mom tells me it might have worked out if we were older. you could have chosen to see each other whenever you wanted. it’s hard to be in love when you’re a kid.

vii. and truth be told, i never was yours — the fear, the fear of falling apart. (this is gospel // panic! at the disco)

viii. i felt blank this morning. i was getting ready when something clicked off in my brain. my eyes stung and i felt staticky around the edges. i shut down and i barely noticed.

it’s difficult to be around people when something awful has just happened and they don’t know. everything is normal for them while you’re praying you’ll keep it together for three more hours.

ix. and there’s no one who knows and there’s nowhere to go. there’s no one to see who can see to my soul. (the mirror-blue night // spring awakening)

x. when you put two broken things together, they do not fix each other. there are too many sharp edges that cannot fit into place. maybe one day, our edges will be smooth enough that we can get close without being cut.

xi. love of my life, gone forever. get her back, good lord, you know i wish i could. (west virginia // the front bottoms)

xii. thrifting is when you find something broken, unwanted, thrown out; but it is perfect for you. loving is often the same.

xiii. looking at you makes it harder, but i know that you’ll find another that doesn’t always make you want to cry. (already gone (cover) // sleeping at last)


i’m trying something new this time. i’m going to talk about some of the fun/interesting stuff that happened in my life last month so this isn’t as depressing as my other memoirs. :)

| inspired by the lovely rutvi |

– i’ve been thrift shopping with my mum recently, and i’ve gotten lots of books + some odd junk that i couldn’t leave behind. a few of the books have notes in the margins and underlined sentences, which i think is really interesting, because i get to figure out what the person was like based on the quotes they picked out. some weird things i’ve found are baby doll heads, one half of a bff necklace, and an elegant lamp with a camo shade. maybe i’ll post a haul sometime.

– my bff izzy’s birthday was this month, and we went to an escape room to celebrate. i’ve played doors & rooms enough times that i was really good at finding clues. we played as thieves trying to steal the world’s largest diamond, and we thought that once we unlocked its display case, we would have won — but no, we had to escape the museum, too. we opened the exit door, but it just set off an insanely loud alarm and led to a closet where a police cutout was waiting. there was lots of screaming, and by the time we got to the right door, we were a minute over the time limit. and it sucked because we were so, so close, but apparently my friend and her dad did something extra that earned us a few more minutes, so we actually won. (we also got tiny plastic diamond souvenirs and they’re really cute.)

– after the escape room disaster, we went back to my friend’s house for cake and the like. i made the mistake of taking some unflattering photos of k, then showing them to izzy, who texted them to herself. k flipped out and tried to delete them off my ipod before they sent. before she could, izzy took my ipod and ran off, so k and i chased after her, but she had vanished. we were standing outside the bathroom, and the door was shut, so i told k that izzy was in there (i had no clue where she was, but it seemed likely). k slammed open the door, but surprise, it was izzy’s mom instead!! i got slapped for that but it was totally worth it.

dead poets society

– i watched dead poets society for the first time, and it messed me up. why would they do that?? w h y. i’m still upset about. i would definitely recommend watching it, but it does touch on suicide, so be careful.

– i was playing the game of life with izzy and a girl from church, and i drew an action cad that said i had won an award for best forehead. izzy and i had calculated the volume of my forehead one time during science, so it was rather fitting.

– during lunch one day, i hung out in the classroom with my math teacher and talked to him about serial killers. i enjoy reading their wikipedia pages at night when i’m home alone. apparently he thinks they’re interesting, too, and emailed my mom during our conversation to tell her that i’m “a gem.” (he also had the first kotlc book on a shelf with all his math textbooks??)

– my brother made a chess set out of legos (star wars vs. lotr + skeletons) and roped me into playing with him. i usually avoid chess games with him because i always lose, but it was really close this time?? i would have won if i hadn’t read into it too much and tried to block a move he hadn’t even thought of. but anyway, once he killed my king, i announced that he was a puppet ruler and the new king was one of the knights. he copied my idea and made obi-wan the monarch. eventually he trapped his new king and i was able to slaughter him.

– i started repainting my loft bed just before christmas (purple to white), so i’ve been sleeping on the floor since then. it’s finally finished, so i just got to spend the night in my real bed for the first time in over a month. :)

– new additions to my folder of shame:

“who here is straight?” “oh, i hope i’m not straight.” -my friend, who i’m pretty sure actually is straight??

“if capitalism is so great, why is my ice cream melting?” -me, eating ice cream soup and blaming it on The Man

“it’s all good. i’m super edgy. i’m the edgiest person out of all my friends at school.” -n, who probably is the edgiest of his friends, seeing as he doesn’t have any

xo apollo