blossoms + life, i guess (4)

hey, loves!

it’s been awhile since i just talked with you all about how my life is going. in general, i feel things quickly and vividly, so my update posts are usually messy and full of rants. but i’m actually kind of mellow right now, so i thought i would take advantage of this mostly calm state of mind and share what’s going on in my life right now. :)

– currently, my life is all about soccer. i have practice everyday after school until 5:30 and at least two games a week. i’m working on another post all about soccer, but i have some news that i’m just elated about and have to share right now!

so five of varsity’s players are currently injured and unable to play. they needed more subs for their last game, so the coach decided to pull up some JV players, and he picked me and one of our captains!! i am so thrilled that he considers me one of the best players. during the varsity game i played in, i somehow managed to get a break away and a shot on goal. it’s just huge news and makes me really excited for future soccer seasons.

also, i’m playing another varsity game tomorrow (unless it’s rained out). wish me luck! hoping i don’t get hurt.

– i talked about this in my last life post, too, but people just keep flirting with me. a guy in my bio class has been flirting with me for months and told me that on a scale of 1-10, he likes me at an 8 or a 9; a guy i met last year comes to my home games and sits with me in the stands while varsity plays; and this other boy who my mother described as a “cute string bean” comes to games sometimes, too, and always cheers for me. it’s very flattering but so annoying. i can’t wear a dress to school without getting a bunch of texts about how cute i look. i usually just say “thanks, it has pockets” and don’t address the flirtatious part of the conversation. but that doesn’t stop them from complaining later about how they can’t read me and how i’m sending mixed signals or whatever.

– so school right now is going pretty well for me. i have straight A’s in all my classes, but i missed a bunch of classes/work last week because i got sick, so that might change. plus, i have a bunch of SOLs coming up, which i’m nervous about because i’ve only taken one in my life and they’re still a pretty foreign concept.

i recently had to sign up for next year’s classes, and the ones i’m most excited about are bio II honors (anatomy + physiology), bio technology, and horticulture. i really like science, if you can’t tell. i had tried to sign up for a fire & rescue course at a nearby technical school, too, but apparently i’m not old enough, so i’ll have to wait until the 2020-2021 school year to take that. :/

– i am really on top of my goal of earning 10 ahg badges this year (read more about it in my new year’s resolutions post)! my troop’s spring award ceremony is in mid may, and i am for sure getting eight badges: living in the usa, cake decorating, physical fitness, special delivery (stamp collecting), kitchen scientist, living & working in space, home care & repair and young meteorologist. there are also about seven other badges that aren’t 100% completed, but should be by the time the ceremony rolls around.

redbud tree + chipped nails + soccer sweatshirt

– i’ve been thinking a lot about my stars & stripes project lately, which is ahg’s version of an eagle scout project. i feel like i’m running out of time to pull it together and get my award. the problem is that i have absolutely no idea what i want to do for my project. it has to benefit the community in some way and take at least 100 hours to complete. i was googling project ideas, and the only one i found that sounded ok was installing a sensory room in an elementary room for children with autism. so that’s an idea, but it still doesn’t seem like exactly the right fit for me. i’m a little bit stressed about it, so any huge project suggestions would be appreciated.

xo apollo

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what’s in my bag?

hey, guys!

i thought i’d take on a classic lifestyle post today: the what’s in my bag? challenge. if feel like if someone has been carrying around the same bag for a long time, you can figure out some things about them from its contents. this challenge just seems neat to me because of that (and also because i can be kind of nosy).

to start, let’s take a look at my bag: a black mini backpack from the sak. i really don’t like purses — they always seem to be getting in the way — so a backpack is the best fit for me. it looks tiny, but with all the pockets hidden throughout, this bag can amazingly fit everything i need!

so, what do i have in my bag on an average day?

notebook – this journal is basically my best friend. i write down poems and post ideas, to-do lists, quotes or lyrics i like, big events in my life and even the tiny ones. i don’t use it that much when i’m out, but i do like to have it nearby in case something happens that i need to write down right away.

pens – all of my pencils mysteriously break in my bag, so i’ve taken to carrying around pens instead. i like these black pilot G2 gel pens.

a book – i have a book of some sort with me at all times! if i’m waiting somewhere, i pick up whatever i’m reading instead of my phone and try to get through a few pages. it’s how i finish books so quickly, and it also cuts down unnecessary time spent on my phone. right now i’m reading the little prince.

water bottle – i don’t drink a lot of water unless it’s in the form of hot tea, but i’m trying to fix that by always having my water bottle with me. i took it from the lost and found at camp last summer, so it’s pretty scratched up and sometimes it makes dolphin noises when i’m drinking (no idea how to fix it). consuming tons of water is supposed to help your skin, and i need it for soccer practice, so.

on my water bottle’s carabiner is a CPR mask and a spiral lanyard that scout made for me last summer. :)

phone – i never bring a charger with me, though. huh. i should probably fix that.

earbuds – some of my classes require that i have earbuds, and i always end up forgetting them on the days that they’re actually needed. but for the most part, i just listen to music (obviously). i get easily overwhelmed at school, so putting in my earbuds to block everything out when i’m walking to class is really helpful for me.

wallet – my brother got me a wallet for maybe my seventh birthday, and i finally replaced it last month. it had been through a lot by that point (it was in my backpack at camp when a freak storm blew through and soaked everything, which made the wallet start peeling). i found this cute thing on sale and knew it was the perfect replacement.

painkillers – i’m not really supposed to have this stuff at school, but i get hurt so often that it seems smart to bring them anyway. since it’s soccer season and i’m a rather aggressive player, i constantly have a sprained or bruised limb that the painkillers can help with.

travel toothbrush & toothpaste – so i got my braces off in february, and then i wore a retainer 24/7 for a  month. this was just a helpful, hygienic  kit to have with me. now that i don’t need to wear my retainers to school, there’s really no reason for me to have this, but i just haven’t gotten around to getting it out of my bag.

lactaid – i am very, very lactose intolerant and didn’t know until a few years ago. i started using these last year and they are a lifesaver. for the first time in my life, i can eat ice cream or yogurt or cheese pizza without crying in the bathroom twenty minutes later because my body hates me!

lip balm – i never go anywhere without some lip balm in my pocket! my current favorites are burt’s bees vanilla bean and my pink by baby lips.

hair ties – the girls on my soccer team are always asking for hair ties and i can never say no. i bought a pack of fabric pastel ones at the beginning of the season so i would always have extras.

lotion – my hands get horribly dry during the winter, so dry that they’ll bleed at the knuckles. it looks kind of hardcore but it’s also really painful. i’m usually rushing in the morning and end up forgetting to put on lotion before i go, so i keep this travel-sized tube in my backpack.


what can’t you leave home without? for me, it’s a book!

xo apollo

do you hear the people sing? | my les misérables experience

 

hey, guys!

at the end of february, my school put on a production of the classic musical les misérables. that’s a pretty challenging choice for a bunch of high schoolers, but i think we pulled it off pretty well.

i spent most of my time last month working on this show, so i thought i’d write about what that experience was like! i hope you enjoy this peek into a high school theatre department. :)


originally, i had auditioned to be part of ensemble. i sang left behind from spring awakening and it actually went a lot better than i had expected it to. but i ended up not getting cast (the directors made the cast super small this year, which doesn’t make a lot of sense to me, but oh well), so i decided to work backstage instead. my main job was doing props with one other girl, but i also helped my mom with fixing costumes when i got the chance, because props is kind of boring.

my proudest moment was when i got to carry a potted plant on stage at the beginning of in my life/a heart full of love. that was my one second in the spotlight and i only messed up half of the time!

the theatre tech class made hundreds of these for the show

personally, i didn’t enjoy backstage very much. our crew was entirely girls, and they were all a big group of friends. i only knew two of them from marching band, although i wasn’t very close with them anyway. so i felt out of the loop and a little excluded from crew stuff during the musical. like, they got a professional picture of the backstage girls that i wasn’t in, they bought pizzas during rehearsal without telling me, etc.

crew was seriously unappreciated. we were going over bows at one rehearsal, and when all of the actors had gotten their turn, someone asked our theatre director when crew was supposed to bow. she replied that we weren’t going to because she’d never been in a show where backstage bowed. everyone in crew was outraged, and it made some of the cast upset, too. i understand that in a professional show, crew probably wouldn’t get a bow, but this was just a high school production. crew had been at all the long rehearsals, we’d put in just as much effort as everyone else, and we felt like we deserved one moment of recognition. eventually, our director agreed to let us bow, but i think most of us were still bitter about it for the rest of the shows.

but i’m going to be honest: crew has more fun. while the actors were running back and forth between the wings, fussing with mics and costume changes, we got headsets and sang backstage and danced little jigs during master of the house and the wedding scene.

part of crew @ the barricade. look at our gorgeous, hand-painted background!

since i wasn’t close with any of the crew, i spent a lot of time reading by the props table or distracting my actor friends. actually, i ended up making one friend miss a few of her scenes because we were hanging out in a dressing room listening to bob marley. :)

i also talked with my friends in the pit a lot before shows and during intermission. my favorite section leader was playing oboe, and the marching band’s tenor player was doing percussion. i would sit by the stage and chat with them while charging strips of glow in the dark tape with my phone. the bits of tape were all over the stage, and they let crew know where to put big set pieces.

my brother was also in les mis! he played the innkeeper, monsieur thénardier, and he was absolutely incredible. i was so so proud of him. he was an excellent drunkard and he really commanded the stage during his solos. i also really enjoyed seeing madame thénardier get in his face and push him around during master of the house. anyway, it was a huge leap for him to get such an important role after being in ensemble during last year’s show (the sound of music), and since he did such an amazing job, i have hope that he’ll get the lead in our next one.

speaking of my brother, he got a very sweet candygram from this girl from a neighboring school. they talked for awhile after the show, kept in touch, and then they went on a “casual” date yesterday! she helped direct her school’s production of the little mermaid, my brother was one of the leads in les mis . . . theatre couple?? yes please.

i feel like i’ve explained candygrams before, but in case anyone doesn’t know, they’re these little paper cutouts with candy and handwritten notes on them. so in the lobby, musical parents were selling roses and candygrams for the cast and crew. the cast and directors used those fancy plastic dividers that you hang on doors as mailboxes for their candygrams — crew and pit shared an itty bitty bucket the size of a water glass. i got a few notes from my mom, my friend hannah (who played a lovely lady), and also one from my brother’s ex’s mom?

b&w view of the barricade

for the most part, the cast was phenomenal, but a few choices made me rather upset. first of all, a friend auditioned with me, and he got in but i didn’t. and that’s not really the part that makes me mad. it’s the fact that his audition was literally the worst one. he sang something from phantom, but he’s a terrible singer, didn’t know the words, and stood still while he performed. he’d never done theatre before and didn’t even want to be in the musical. also, his acting was terrible and he spoke his lines instead of singing them. it just makes me so angry that despite being so undeserving of a role, he got in simply because he’s a boy and the directors wanted more soldiers. there were so many better choices at the auditions: people who were passionate and talented and devoted. but they picked him instead because of his gender. it wasn’t fair at all, and i know it’s been months since auditions, but i’m still upset about it.

i don’t know what musical we’re doing next year, but i’ve heard that the directors are considering newsies or beauty and the beast. between those two, i’m hoping for newsies, because i love that show very much. also, i don’t think anyone at my school wants to do a disney musical.

even though i wasn’t cast in les mis, i’m planning on auditioning again next year, because i do love theatre and want to be in a few more shows before i graduate. but if i don’t get a role, i’m not going to help backstage again. it just wasn’t my thing. i didn’t have any friends in crew, i had to go to long rehearsals where crew wasn’t needed, and it was too much work without any appreciation from the directors. without us, the show would have fallen apart, and the theatre director didn’t seem to be aware of that.

to sum things up: i’m so proud of my friends for putting on a stunning rendition of les misérables. the whole experience was emotionally draining and made me lose some of my passion for theatre. but listening to the abc men belt do you hear the people sing? and our insanely talented marius perform empty chairs at empty tables planted this burning, hopeful, defiant feeling in my chest that has not gone away.

red, i feel my soul on fire! black, my world when she’s not there! (abc café/red and black)

xo apollo

monarchs + life, i guess (3)

i haven’t posted in over a month and a bunch of stuff has happened since then. so today i’m going to be ranting about my life!

also, i have some pictures of monarch butterflies and mexican sunflowers to share. :)

– this is my first year going to public school, and it’s been really stressful so far. i’ve already missed a lot of school because some days i’ll wake up and just be way too overwhelmed to go to class. i think the hardest part is being around people for so long, especially since up until last week, i was staying at school until around 6:30 everyday because of marching band. but the season’s over now so i’ll have free time again.

but, uh, if anyone has tips for dealing with public school, they would be greatly appreciated.

– it’s only the third month of school and i know of seven or eight people who like/liked me. one asked me to homecoming in august, and two (maybe three) others were planning on doing the same, but didn’t once i said i was going with my best friend kelsie. two are 8th graders in the band who will probably lose feelings for me now that we won’t see each other very often, one is my best friend at school, and the other is a girl who’s friends with my brother. i’m flattered that people like me so much, but it’s kind of a lot to deal with. and i feel really bad about myself because i know i’ve hurt some of them and might screw up our friendships. romance is so messy and i’m not any good at it.

 

– marching band was the only thing i liked about school, and our final competition was last saturday. the season started off pretty well and then gradually went downhill. the most disappointing part was when we got second place percussion in our class, and then found out that the announcer had made a mistake and we’d actually gotten fourth. (to put it in perspective, there were five bands in our class and one of them didn’t show up.)

i only have classes with one of my band friends, and i’m going to miss everyone a lot. we still have a banquet, a few playoff games, and pep band before the season is completely over, but it’s not the same as practicing outside in the rain before the sun’s risen, spending all day with my friends, and then sleeping in a pile on the bus on the way back home. i can’t wait until next year when i get to join drumline. :)

– musical auditions happened recently. my school’s doing les misérables this year. i sang left behind from spring awakening, and i was so insanely nervous. my brother told me that my face was twitching. everyone said that if you audition for a supporting role and don’t get it, then you’re automatically placed in ensemble, which is what i wanted anyway. but i guess they did something different this time and only a dozen people got ensemble, and i’m not one of them. but my friend who only auditioned because of me got in. i’m totally not mad though. :)

idk, no one is very happy with the cast list, not even the people who got good roles. the only person who’s really ok with it is my brother, who got cast as the innkeeper. i’m honestly really disappointed because the musical was one of the reasons i decided to go to public school, and now i don’t get to be in it. i’ll probably help backstage but it’s really not the same.

– my friend n told me years ago that he was going to write a song for me, and he finally did. i listened to it during lunch yesterday and i just sat there and cried. it’s called i guess i lied and it’s my favorite song right now. it’s about me and our history together and it kind of means the world to me. he’s so talented and i’m really proud of him. :’)

this was a messy post but i really needed to rant. life is too much to handle sometimes.

i’m thinking of posting more poetry soon, if you guys are cool with that. i was very caffeinated last night and ended up staying awake until 3:30. during that time, i cleaned my whole room, did two projects for school, and wrote a couple of poems that i’m actually rather proud of. so just a heads up that you’ll be seeing more poetry soon even though the last post i made was about my poetry, too.

have a good day, everyone. i’m so glad that autumn is here.

xo apollo

life, i guess (2)

a bunch of exciting stuff has been going on in my life recently, and i thought i’d share everything with you guys by dumping it into one post.

our cabin

– my best friend izzy and i spent the first weekend of june being counselors at camp victory. every year, our church takes their after school program up to the camp to have fun and learn more about God. we were put in a cabin with the elementary school girls, but we were primarily assisting the younger ones. izzy’s family has been helping for years, but this was my first time. i sort of hated it, but i know i’ll go again next year if i get the chance.

izzy!

highlights:

– i carried so many girls on my back that i have bruises on my hips from their legs.
– it rained pretty much nonstop. there were about two hours on saturday when it wasn’t raining and we got to play games outside, but it was pouring the rest of the time.
– one of those games involved running around with a dead octopus. izzy got a bit too into it and ripped off a tentacle.
– they made us do zumba every morning. that was . . . something.
– i got into the pool with izzy when i was fully clothed. it was fun and all, but i didn’t bring enough dry clothes, and the t-shirt i was wearing at the time was white and kind of thin. still, i’m glad she convinced me to do it.
– the girls in our cabin decided that our group would be named the “glitter star bears.” we had to do a cheer about it at every meal and it was sort of awful.
– we had a movie night on saturday, and someone told me we were watching shrek, so i was naturally very excited. they lied, though, and we were really watching monsters university. don’t get me wrong, i love that movie, but i had my heart set on shrek.
– i slept in the leaders’ cabin the last night because our girls were so loud and stayed up really late. sadly, i didn’t sleep any better up there, and i ended up getting about four hours of sleep over the whole weekend. also, there were roaches in the cabin and a snake in the bathroom. :)

– my brother was at a karate tournament the same weekend i was at camp. he did a roundoff backflip during his first kata, landed wrong, and ended up breaking his foot and injuring his knee. but he got back up, completed the kata, and got second place. his foot was broken in three places, i think, and he had surgery on monday to fix it.

– i found out last week that i’m old enough to work at my summer camp as a counselor in training! since i’m a girl and it’s a boy scout camp, i didn’t think it was likely that i would be accepted, but somehow i was. i’m ridiculously excited for this, because i’ve wanted to work at camp since i first went there in 2016.

getting ready for camp has taken a lot of work. i had to complete three online courses, do a bunch of paperwork, and buy a venture scouts uniform (unfortunately, the guy that ordered it got the wrong size). on top of all that, i’m leaving today for a training session at the camp and i won’t be back until friday night.

– a few months ago, my math teacher saw me drawing in class and asked me to make a new mathematics-themed poster for him. i sort of forgot about it until the last two weeks of school, so i had to rush to get it done. i worked on it for nine hours (most of which was probably organizing art supplies on the table), but i finished it in time. my favorite part is the blue jay, i think i did a good job coloring it in.

– this is maybe less important than the others, but i’ve heard that love, simon is being put on netflix this month, and i am so excited to watch it again. i love the soundtrack, i love the book it’s based on, and i am so ready to cry at the ending again. happy pride month, by the way! 🌈

– a few people have been asking if i’m going to do cwwc again this year. i’m sorry to say it, but i won’t be. i just have too much planned this summer, so i think it’s unlikely that i’ll have an entire month that i can dedicate to it. sorry!

have a good day! :)

xo apollo

may memoir

(i decided to combine my april and may memoirs. if i hadn’t, both posts would have been really short.)

documenting a month through poems and journal entries and song lyrics so it doesn’t get lost in the gray fog that is my life.


i. so, look, i don’t know how to say this, but i was lying when i told you i didn’t know if i was still in love with you. i just don’t know what to do and it feels like my ribcage is going to crack open if i don’t say something soon. i don’t want perfect dates and cliché romance, i just want real, messy love, but i’m afraid that no matter how much i want it, this is not going to work.

ii. tonight my heart’s on the loose. talk myself out of feeling, talk myself out of control. talk myself out of falling in love, falling in love with you. (oh love // green day)

iii. it’s not fair! god, it’s not fair, how i could have lived anywhere in the world and i got stuck in the mountains with someone i will love forever from the background. this forsaken town aches because your name is plastered across every billboard, and even though it’s killing me to stay, i am too stubborn to leave.

iv. i’m talking to the ceiling. my life just lost all meaning. do one thing for me tonight, i’m dying in this silence. the last star left in heaven is falling down to earth, and . . . do you still feel the same way? (here’s your letter // blink-182)

v. here is my question for you: when will you stop hurting me? again and again, you appear in my life just to slip out without a word the next day. you take a shard of my heart every time you go; the unsaid goodbyes are eating me alive. i’ve had my heart broken by you enough times that there is not much left of me.

vi. weep for yourself, my man, you’ll never be what is in your heart. weep, little lion man, you’re not as brave as you were at the start. rate yourself and rake yourself; take all the courage you have left and waste it on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head. (little lion man // mumford & sons)

vii. so you can’t see me tonight; so you still can’t look me in the eyes. you may not be able to do everything, but i’m begging you — give me time to heal before you say “hello and i’m sorry” for the hundredth time.

viii. remember all those countless nights when i told you i loved you? and to never forget it — oh, just forget it! (your graduation // modern baseball)

ix. i am so upset that no one believes me! what will it take to make anyone care? i will have to be covered in my own blood with a split lip and broken nose before someone decides i am worthy of their help.

x. i want you to stop insisting that i’m not a lost cause, ’cause i’ve been through a lot. really all i’ve got is just to stay pissed off, if it’s alright by you. (rose-colored boy // paramore)

xi. why do you have to grin at me like that when i talk? you’re making me lose my train of thought.

i am going to miss you and the smell of cut grass and the dandelions tucked into your curls so much over the lonely summer months.

xii. it was summer when i saw your face, looked like a teenage runaway. oh god, i never thought we’d take it that far. some killer queen you are. (rollercoaster // bleachers)

xiii. i am sitting on top of a hill at night. lights from houses blink below us like fireflies. us — someone is crouched beside me, holding my hand. who are you?

blood, blood, dripping all over me, from my chest. an angel with sunkissed skin, blonde hair, and no wings climbs the hill and sits by my feet. his voice is soft, his fingers warm as they dip into the blood. softly, warmly, gently — i am going to hell.

xiv. i have this dream that i am hitting my dad with a baseball bat, and he is screaming and crying for help. and maybe halfway through, it has more to do with me killing him than it ever did with protecting myself. (father // the front bottoms)

xv. it makes me so sad that after seven months, we were finally in the same place at the same time, and i didn’t even say hello. i guess the timing just didn’t work out. it never seems to, for the two of us. please forgive me.

xvi. we’re alike, you and i. two blue hearts locked in our wrong minds. so can we make the most out of no time? can you hold me? can you make me leave my demons and my broken pieces behind? (WILD // troye sivan)


other songs to listen to:

not warriors // waterparks
still be around // a summer high
my my my! // troye sivan
i want to hold your hand // the beatles
the faster the treadmill // i fight dragons
never fall in love // jack antonoff, MØ
love me // the 1975
that girl // all time low
fake happy // paramore
stay the night // green day
HOLD ME TIGHT OR DON’T // fall out boy
don’t come down // the maine
dumpweed // blink-182
am i pretty? // the maine
when you see my friends // mayday parade


life updates

| inspired by the lovely rutvi |

– my last soccer game is tomorrow, and i’m probably more sad about that than i should be. but my team this season is the best one i’ve ever played with. (or my favorite, anyway.) i’ve made friends with some guys i’ll be going to school with, and i think i’ve become a much better player, thanks to my amazing coach. i’ll definitely miss my team (oddly named kfc/kfbees) over the summer, but i think most of us are coming back for the fall season.

– me, my brother, and a few of our friends hung out at a bubble tea café one night. we watched shrek and played this really disturbing card game called exploding kittens. anyway, i know bubble tea is a trend right now, but i think it’s really gross? the drink i got was called orange green tea, i think, and while that tasted pretty good, i nearly threw up when i ate one of the bubbles. i strongly believe that that’s what an eyeball would taste like.

– last year, my friend izzy and i started working on the fishing badge at summer camp. since we weren’t allowed to keep the fish we caught at the lake, we weren’t able to complete the last requirement, which is to gut a fish. fortunately, my dad is a fisherman, so he brought us two fish and we cleaned them in the parking lot after soccer practice. it was really disgusting because they still had eyes, and mine bled more than izzy’s. still, i’m glad i finally have my badge. :)

– to earn our ahg level awards, another girl and i hosted a badge workshop. we met up at a park one morning and helped some of the younger members earn their nature & wildlife badge. we taught them about native animals, did a birdfeeder craft, took a short hike, identified edible plants,  picked up trash, etc., all in one hour. it was actually quite fun, and i guess i enjoy working with kids? who knew.

have a great day!

xo apollo