march memoir

documenting a month through poems and journal entries and song lyrics so it doesn’t get lost in the gray fog that is my life.


i. i am a creature of the past, discarded with all the bloody tissues, wilted flowers, and unsent love notes. everyone is growing up and moving on except for me. i know living in the past with long gone lovers causes the familiar ache of heartbroken nostalgia, but i also know that the past in the only place i can be with you.

ii. you are a broken heart tattoo i’ll have forever on my chest for a love that i have lost, but never could forget. (wolfman // the front bottoms)

ii. if there is one thing i want to know, it’s if the right people at the wrong time get a second chance. because i’m terrified that they don’t, and that i’ve been hanging onto old feelings for no reason.

iv. pardon me, cutting sleep. i’m taking up grinding teeth. you’re why i’m sitting here, hating myself for needing someone so bad and feeling dumb dumb dumb dumb. (peach (lobotomy) // waterparks)

v. sometimes i think i’m still into you, and the next day i’ll tell myself that i’m over it. but the truth is that i’ve loved you for so long that it’s in my dna. loving you is part of who i am.

vi. ’cause after all this time, i’m still into you. i should be over all the butterflies, but i’m into you. and baby, even our worst nights, i’m into you. (still into you // paramore)

vii. love, i don’t know how to say this gently, but i pray you’ll forgive me: i am so, so sorry for what i know i will do to you. i’m afraid that i’ve become something smoldering and poisonous, and if you insist on staying with me, you are going to get hurt.

viii. i wanna hold hands with you, but that’s all i wanna do right now. and i wanna get close to you, ’cause your hands and lips still know their way around. and i know i like to draw at night, it starts to get surreal. but the less time that i spend with you, the less you need to heal. (TALK ME DOWN // troye sivan)

ix. yellow light, aching feet, scratchy sheets. voices grate against my mind — so-and-so’s girlfriend, calories, i saw this thing on instagram. i want to pull this cheap hotel blanket over my head and melt into the mattress. i love you, i swear it’s true, but if you touch me, i think i’m going to break your arm.

x. you’re talking with your friends, secrets they’ll never keep. they’re sitting on your bed, and all you want is sleep. pretend that this is fake, it helps to kill the pain. all that you want is different, all that you’ll get is same. (lipstick covered magnet // the front bottoms)

xi. someday i’ll be grown up and i’ll realize it’s been a few months since i heard from you. i’ll sit down on my bed, cross my legs, and look through all the pictures of you and me, reliving the memories: laying in the summer sunshine while holding hands, bringing down the stars for you, ice cream and coffee dates, all the nights we spent in each others arms when the world was perfect.

and i’ll wonder what would have happened if i’d found the courage to tell you. i think, blue eyes, that you would have left anyway. there’s only one way this could have ended, and this is it.

xii. you never knew — well, i never told you. everything i know about breaking hearts i learned from you, it’s true. (there’s no ‘i’ in team // taking back sunday)


other songs to listen to:

brooklyn’s here // newsies
you don’t love me like you should // hey violet
break my heart // hey violet
watching for comets // skillet
we need to talk // waterparks


life updates

| inspired by the lovely rutvi |

horrible before picture, an after picture (i looked decent for once and had to cover my face? unbelievable), and a fitting tweet.

– i’ve mentioned this before, but at the beginning of the month, i cut my hair off. i hadn’t done anything drastic with my hair since about third or fourth grade, so the whole thing was new and exciting. i’m really loving it so far. i know i probably looked prettier when my hair was long, but a short haircut feels more like me.

– two of my best friends and i spent a weekend in d.c. (read the first part of my travel diary here.) walking through a humming city for hours with people i love awakened this itch to go. i don’t know where i want to go, but i need to move and see new places or this feeling is going to eat me alive.

me and my pal beth from summer camp.

– a few girls from my ahg troop went to a lock-in at a rock climbing gym, my bff izzy and i included. we stayed up all night, obviously, and climbed until probably five in the morning. it was exhausting, and my hands hurt from belaying for hours, but i loved it. i have pictures, so i’ll hopefully post about it at some point.

– my family helped out with our church’s easter event, road to resurrection. basically, we decorated the building to look like jerusalem, and then visitors were guided through and taught about the easter story in an interactive way. my mum and i worked together at one of the destinations, which was supposed to be the east gate. we mostly talked about the prophecy in zechariah 9:9. we were set up in a glass hallway, and it got incredibly hot, but they did get us pizza at the end, so i suppose it was worth it.

– new additions to my folder of shame:

“we’ve all had our heart broken by zac efron. you’re not special.” -me, while watching hairspray the musical with my bff

“mom! he’s poking my fork with a butt! wait, no –” -something you will hear often in my house

xo apollo

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february memoir 

documenting a month through poems and journal entries and song lyrics so it doesn’t get lost in the gray fog that is my life.


i. love, what is hope?

hope is the thought that tomorrow will be better than today. hope is telling yourself that there are good things in the future. hope is whispering “i’ll be ok” over and over like a prayer. hope is the feeling in my heart when i see you. 

love, hope is something i do not have.

ii. and i’ve never had to face the world without her by my side. now i’m strolling right beside her as the black hole opens wide. mine is just a slower suicide. (i’ve been // next to normal)

iii. i want to stand in the sun, unashamed, colors and secrets bared, and hear that in my god’s eyes, i am still something worthy of earthly and divine love.

iv. someday becomes somehow, and a prayer becomes a vow. (seize the day // newsies)

v. maybe i will make like a turtle and carry home on my back, because i have yet to find a place i belong in or a person i belong with.

vi. but when you read my fortune, are we running home or running free today? (maya the psychic // gerard way)

vii. loving is hard, because although they say they care, there is always something about me they would change or erase. i have yet to find unconditional love from a human, and maybe there’s a reason for that.

viii. ‘cause there’s always time for second guesses, i don’t wanna know. if you’re gonna be the death of me, that’s how i wanna go. (collar full // panic! at the disco)

ix. i want to move out as soon as i can. maybe i’ll leave a note; maybe i’ll send a text; maybe i’ll just be gone. i might come back someday, but there’s nothing worth staying for anymore. that might be why i want to go — to find something that will be enough to make me stand still, for a moment, for the rest of eternity.

x. they call me homewrecker. i’m only happy when i’m on the run. i break a million hearts just for fun. i don’t belong to anyone! (homewrecker // marina and the diamonds)

xi. there is so much hatred in this world that i can’t do anything about. but i believe that people themselves are good. i hope that i will find kind humans full of light and love, and i pray that they will not leave me alone again.

xii. i can try to get by, but every time i start to panic. i’m a little bit shy, a bit strange, and a little bit manic. (wishing well // blink-182)

xiii. i think some things speak for themselves, like the way i walk around with unfocused eyes, and anyone who knows me knows that i have time traveled to a year ago. i don’t see the snowflakes drifting in out of view; i see the way your smile looked when you played love songs to me in the middle of the night. i don’t feel the fire against my skin, i feel the ghost of your arms around me, and how i prayed for that comfort everyday and still do. i cannot sense a future for myself, because i am stuck in the past, and the memories — nervous, shaking, shy memories — are stuck with me.

xiv. alone, awake, and thinking of the weekend we were in love. (on the wing // owl city)


life updates

| inspired by the lovely rutvi |

Related image– my brother, my mum, and i watched all of sherlock. i find crime and murder fascinating (i can tell you all about the zodiac killer. how twisted am i?), so it was pretty much the perfect show for me. we were talking about which character we’re most like, and my family decided that i would be sherlock holmes, because we’re both dramatic, snarky, loyal, self-destructive, and “emotional addicts,” whatever that’s supposed to mean.

– my brother and i took a personality alignment test (yes, we’re geeks). i got chaotic good, which i feel is the same as comparing someone to a golden retriever. apparently that kind of personality believes “you shall break the law in pursuit of goodness,” they “distrust authority,” “disrupt the order of society,” are rebellious, and, i quote, are “anarchic,” which is honestly spot on.

– i was looking around this little art shop when i found some of those poseable mannequins. naturally, i made them do the ymca (or tried to, anyway). i ended up buying one to share with my mum, and it’s currently dabbing on my desk.

– i took this really important math test (six pages long) and somehow absolutely aced it?? i got 49 ½/50, which was apparently the highest score in the class. i’m going to frame the test and display it in my room forever.

– i tried making soap for the first time in years, and they turned out surprisingly well. (although they did get stuck in the plastic molds and i had to cut them to get the soap out.) anyway, the yellow one has orange peels in it and is tangerine-scented, and the swirled one (my favorite) is peppermint.

– my cat, navi, has been sleeping with me more often. she curls up on my chest and purrs in my ear and it’s super comforting. she’s not exactly tiny, so it hurts after awhile, but it’s worth it.

– new additions to my folder of shame:

“the only thing latin is good for is summoning demons.”

my brother called the national anthem “the american theme song.” ???

xo apollo

january memoir

documenting a month through poems and journal entries and song lyrics so it doesn’t get lost in the gray fog that is my life.


i. because when someone leaves you behind, what are you supposed to do but apologize? sorry for wasting your time. sorry for being too messed up for you to deal with. sorry for wanting you to change your mind because you promised you would stay.

ii. come on, make it easy. say i never mattered. (young volcanoes // fall out boy)

iii. did you ever really love me, or were you just lonely?
i did.
i did, too.
my friend, this is me trying to say i love you one last time.

v. i am the one who loved you, i am the one who stayed, i am the one and you walked away. (i am the one (reprise) // next to normal)

vi. my mom tells me it might have worked out if we were older. you could have chosen to see each other whenever you wanted. it’s hard to be in love when you’re a kid.

vii. and truth be told, i never was yours — the fear, the fear of falling apart. (this is gospel // panic! at the disco)

viii. i felt blank this morning. i was getting ready when something clicked off in my brain. my eyes stung and i felt staticky around the edges. i shut down and i barely noticed.

it’s difficult to be around people when something awful has just happened and they don’t know. everything is normal for them while you’re praying you’ll keep it together for three more hours.

ix. and there’s no one who knows and there’s nowhere to go. there’s no one to see who can see to my soul. (the mirror-blue night // spring awakening)

x. when you put two broken things together, they do not fix each other. there are too many sharp edges that cannot fit into place. maybe one day, our edges will be smooth enough that we can get close without being cut.

xi. love of my life, gone forever. get her back, good lord, you know i wish i could. (west virginia // the front bottoms)

xii. thrifting is when you find something broken, unwanted, thrown out; but it is perfect for you. loving is often the same.

xiii. looking at you makes it harder, but i know that you’ll find another that doesn’t always make you want to cry. (already gone (cover) // sleeping at last)


i’m trying something new this time. i’m going to talk about some of the fun/interesting stuff that happened in my life last month so this isn’t as depressing as my other memoirs. :)

| inspired by the lovely rutvi |

– i’ve been thrift shopping with my mum recently, and i’ve gotten lots of books + some odd junk that i couldn’t leave behind. a few of the books have notes in the margins and underlined sentences, which i think is really interesting, because i get to figure out what the person was like based on the quotes they picked out. some weird things i’ve found are baby doll heads, one half of a bff necklace, and an elegant lamp with a camo shade. maybe i’ll post a haul sometime.

– my bff izzy’s birthday was this month, and we went to an escape room to celebrate. i’ve played doors & rooms enough times that i was really good at finding clues. we played as thieves trying to steal the world’s largest diamond, and we thought that once we unlocked its display case, we would have won — but no, we had to escape the museum, too. we opened the exit door, but it just set off an insanely loud alarm and led to a closet where a police cutout was waiting. there was lots of screaming, and by the time we got to the right door, we were a minute over the time limit. and it sucked because we were so, so close, but apparently my friend and her dad did something extra that earned us a few more minutes, so we actually won. (we also got tiny plastic diamond souvenirs and they’re really cute.)

– after the escape room disaster, we went back to my friend’s house for cake and the like. i made the mistake of taking some unflattering photos of k, then showing them to izzy, who texted them to herself. k flipped out and tried to delete them off my ipod before they sent. before she could, izzy took my ipod and ran off, so k and i chased after her, but she had vanished. we were standing outside the bathroom, and the door was shut, so i told k that izzy was in there (i had no clue where she was, but it seemed likely). k slammed open the door, but surprise, it was izzy’s mom instead!! i got slapped for that but it was totally worth it.

dead poets society

– i watched dead poets society for the first time, and it messed me up. why would they do that?? w h y. i’m still upset about. i would definitely recommend watching it, but it does touch on suicide, so be careful.

– i was playing the game of life with izzy and a girl from church, and i drew an action cad that said i had won an award for best forehead. izzy and i had calculated the volume of my forehead one time during science, so it was rather fitting.

– during lunch one day, i hung out in the classroom with my math teacher and talked to him about serial killers. i enjoy reading their wikipedia pages at night when i’m home alone. apparently he thinks they’re interesting, too, and emailed my mom during our conversation to tell her that i’m “a gem.” (he also had the first kotlc book on a shelf with all his math textbooks??)

– my brother made a chess set out of legos (star wars vs. lotr + skeletons) and roped me into playing with him. i usually avoid chess games with him because i always lose, but it was really close this time?? i would have won if i hadn’t read into it too much and tried to block a move he hadn’t even thought of. but anyway, once he killed my king, i announced that he was a puppet ruler and the new king was one of the knights. he copied my idea and made obi-wan the monarch. eventually he trapped his new king and i was able to slaughter him.

– i started repainting my loft bed just before christmas (purple to white), so i’ve been sleeping on the floor since then. it’s finally finished, so i just got to spend the night in my real bed for the first time in over a month. :)

– new additions to my folder of shame:

“who here is straight?” “oh, i hope i’m not straight.” -my friend, who i’m pretty sure actually is straight??

“if capitalism is so great, why is my ice cream melting?” -me, eating ice cream soup and blaming it on The Man

“it’s all good. i’m super edgy. i’m the edgiest person out of all my friends at school.” -n, who probably is the edgiest of his friends, seeing as he doesn’t have any

xo apollo

life, i guess

// inspired by the lovely rutvi //

– i’m making an effort to write in my journal again. i’m usually too tired to write anything by the time i get into bed, but my insomnia has been getting really bad lately, which gives me plenty of time to work on it.

– i got a tooth pulled and the entire left side of my face was numb. i couldn’t feel my ear. i even slapped myself a few times and couldn’t feel anything. the numbness didn’t go away for over six hours.

– we played kahoot in math class and my nickname was “jazz band jazz” (deh reference), and someone else was “ya like jazz? 🐝” so it worked out pretty well.

– i get really bad anxiety about posting things on instagram, but i recently managed to share this picture of my neighbor’s dog, ruby. is it dumb that i’m proud of that?

– i have a “folder of shame” on my ipod where i write down dumb things that i’ve said/heard. here’s what i have so far:

“i like school because people are forced to hang out with me.” -a kid in my spanish class

“everyone has pet names for their nipples.” -my brother

“i don’t have a favorite student. i dislike all of you equally.” -my spanish teacher

“my hair is as kinky as you are.” -me, to my brother

“pal is too intimate of a term.” -also me

– i’ve reached 17k on my novel! my mc, taz, is currently attempting to rescue keirnan from what is possibly a cult. idk, i’m making it up as i go. i’m just really glad that i’ve been writing throughout december, because i usually take a “break” after nano, which means never touching my project again.

– i got some new art supplies!! they’re staedtler marker pens and they’re so so nice. i’ve been on a drawing kick because of them. and the cool thing is that i got them for free, because my mom has a $100 gift card to an art store as a thank you for teaching classes at co-op for over a decade.

 

– why can’t group chats ever be normal?

– my friend q from co-op has been texting me “stranger things?” every hour. i’ve been ignoring him for a week. but i might have to see him soon and it’s going to be really awkward, because how do i explain that i like him well enough but i really don’t want to talk to him? help.

– i had to take a math test today, and i’m 90% sure that i failed. which sucks a lot because i just got my grade up to a b and now it’s going to be ruined. :’)

xo apollo