letter to a lover

i want someone to tell stories to. i want to walk nowhere in particular while holding hands, and i want to point things out and say what they make me think of. i want to talk to someone about why missing posters and sky blue make me cry. it feels like when you’ve been hurt and you have a band-aid and you’re waiting for someone to say what happened? i want someone to notice when my eyes tear up, when i flinch, when i tremble. i want someone to pay attention to the song i’m singing to myself and ask what it means to me. i want someone to know and understand me and not hate it. and i know that is too much to ask for.


happy valentine’s day! <3

the only date i have today is with my school’s guidance counselor. i have to register for next year’s classes and i have no clue which ones i want to take. i’d like to do a more advanced art class and band/percussion, but theatre also sounds fun.

i’m going on a youth retreat this weekend. i went last year, too, with my pal n (although i don’t think he’s coming this time). the lodge we’ll be staying at is up in the mountains, and there’s a forest, stream, and i think a meadow area as well. i’ll be bringing my camera, and if the retreat is as unstructured as last year, i’ll have plenty of time to take pictures.

last thing: my brother is in his school’s production of the sound of music. he somehow convinced the director to let him do a roundoff back tuck in one scene. the first performance is tomorrow and i think i’ll give him some fake flowers that i found in the attic.

xo apollo

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january memoir

documenting a month through poems and journal entries and song lyrics so it doesn’t get lost in the gray fog that is my life.


i. because when someone leaves you behind, what are you supposed to do but apologize? sorry for wasting your time. sorry for being too messed up for you to deal with. sorry for wanting you to change your mind because you promised you would stay.

ii. come on, make it easy. say i never mattered. (young volcanoes // fall out boy)

iii. did you ever really love me, or were you just lonely?
i did.
i did, too.
my friend, this is me trying to say i love you one last time.

v. i am the one who loved you, i am the one who stayed, i am the one and you walked away. (i am the one (reprise) // next to normal)

vi. my mom tells me it might have worked out if we were older. you could have chosen to see each other whenever you wanted. it’s hard to be in love when you’re a kid.

vii. and truth be told, i never was yours — the fear, the fear of falling apart. (this is gospel // panic! at the disco)

viii. i felt blank this morning. i was getting ready when something clicked off in my brain. my eyes stung and i felt staticky around the edges. i shut down and i barely noticed.

it’s difficult to be around people when something awful has just happened and they don’t know. everything is normal for them while you’re praying you’ll keep it together for three more hours.

ix. and there’s no one who knows and there’s nowhere to go. there’s no one to see who can see to my soul. (the mirror-blue night // spring awakening)

x. when you put two broken things together, they do not fix each other. there are too many sharp edges that cannot fit into place. maybe one day, our edges will be smooth enough that we can get close without being cut.

xi. love of my life, gone forever. get her back, good lord, you know i wish i could. (west virginia // the front bottoms)

xii. thrifting is when you find something broken, unwanted, thrown out; but it is perfect for you. loving is often the same.

xiii. looking at you makes it harder, but i know that you’ll find another that doesn’t always make you want to cry. (already gone (cover) // sleeping at last)


i’m trying something new this time. i’m going to talk about some of the fun/interesting stuff that happened in my life last month so this isn’t as depressing as my other memoirs. :)

| inspired by the lovely rutvi |

– i’ve been thrift shopping with my mum recently, and i’ve gotten lots of books + some odd junk that i couldn’t leave behind. a few of the books have notes in the margins and underlined sentences, which i think is really interesting, because i get to figure out what the person was like based on the quotes they picked out. some weird things i’ve found are baby doll heads, one half of a bff necklace, and an elegant lamp with a camo shade. maybe i’ll post a haul sometime.

– my bff izzy’s birthday was this month, and we went to an escape room to celebrate. i’ve played doors & rooms enough times that i was really good at finding clues. we played as thieves trying to steal the world’s largest diamond, and we thought that once we unlocked its display case, we would have won — but no, we had to escape the museum, too. we opened the exit door, but it just set off an insanely loud alarm and led to a closet where a police cutout was waiting. there was lots of screaming, and by the time we got to the right door, we were a minute over the time limit. and it sucked because we were so, so close, but apparently my friend and her dad did something extra that earned us a few more minutes, so we actually won. (we also got tiny plastic diamond souvenirs and they’re really cute.)

– after the escape room disaster, we went back to my friend’s house for cake and the like. i made the mistake of taking some unflattering photos of k, then showing them to izzy, who texted them to herself. k flipped out and tried to delete them off my ipod before they sent. before she could, izzy took my ipod and ran off, so k and i chased after her, but she had vanished. we were standing outside the bathroom, and the door was shut, so i told k that izzy was in there (i had no clue where she was, but it seemed likely). k slammed open the door, but surprise, it was izzy’s mom instead!! i got slapped for that but it was totally worth it.

dead poets society

– i watched dead poets society for the first time, and it messed me up. why would they do that?? w h y. i’m still upset about. i would definitely recommend watching it, but it does touch on suicide, so be careful.

– i was playing the game of life with izzy and a girl from church, and i drew an action cad that said i had won an award for best forehead. izzy and i had calculated the volume of my forehead one time during science, so it was rather fitting.

– during lunch one day, i hung out in the classroom with my math teacher and talked to him about serial killers. i enjoy reading their wikipedia pages at night when i’m home alone. apparently he thinks they’re interesting, too, and emailed my mom during our conversation to tell her that i’m “a gem.” (he also had the first kotlc book on a shelf with all his math textbooks??)

– my brother made a chess set out of legos (star wars vs. lotr + skeletons) and roped me into playing with him. i usually avoid chess games with him because i always lose, but it was really close this time?? i would have won if i hadn’t read into it too much and tried to block a move he hadn’t even thought of. but anyway, once he killed my king, i announced that he was a puppet ruler and the new king was one of the knights. he copied my idea and made obi-wan the monarch. eventually he trapped his new king and i was able to slaughter him.

– i started repainting my loft bed just before christmas (purple to white), so i’ve been sleeping on the floor since then. it’s finally finished, so i just got to spend the night in my real bed for the first time in over a month. :)

– new additions to my folder of shame:

“who here is straight?” “oh, i hope i’m not straight.” -my friend, who i’m pretty sure actually is straight??

“if capitalism is so great, why is my ice cream melting?” -me, eating ice cream soup and blaming it on The Man

“it’s all good. i’m super edgy. i’m the edgiest person out of all my friends at school.” -n, who probably is the edgiest of his friends, seeing as he doesn’t have any

xo apollo

december memoir

documenting a month through poems and journal entries and song lyrics so it doesn’t get lost in the gray fog that is my life.


i. another year of loving something just out of reach. you are a ghost of a kiss.

ii. it hurts that you are replacing me and i have no one to take your spot. i am tired of missing you and not being able to do anything about it.

iii. i wish i didn’t really kiss the mirror when i’m on my own. oh god, i’m gonna die alone. (teen idle // marina and the diamonds)

v. i haven’t been this angry in a long time. i know that she is just trying to help, and that i am being completely unreasonable. but, god, she is ignorant and i want to break things.

vi. i don’t blame you for being you, but you can’t blame me for hating it. (a little less sixteen candles, a little more “touch me” // fall out boy)

vii. i ran across the city to get to you. cold air, street lamps, heavy breaths, tight chest, shoes pounding against concrete. with every step, i thought, i am getting closer to my future or closer to heartbreak. but i missed you. and i sprinted through the crowded sidewalks again before missing you a second time.

viii. i’d promise you anything for another shot at life. (disloyal order of water buffaloes // fall out boy)

ix. i had a dream where we danced together as it snowed. i have been smiling all day.

i just want to dance with you. i’ve never learned how and i don’t think you have, either, but it doesn’t matter. i want to hold your hands and sway and spin and have you fall in love with me again.

can we try? i don’t care if your palms sweat or if you step on my feet or if the music is bad. just dance with me, please.

x. and i’ve been talking to God, asking for just a little help with you, but it’s hopeless. it’s not the first time, but this one really carved it in. tell your new friends that they don’t know you like i do. it’s over. i wanna see you again, i wanna feel it again. (oh well, oh well // mayday parade)

xi. i am at a party with sweets in my hands, smiling with my friends, and something goes wrong. suddenly everyone is staring at me and expecting the right words from my mouth and the world is caving in, and i can run and cover my ears, but i can still hear the laughter.

xii. one track mind, one track heart. if i fail, i’ll fall apart. maybe it is all a test, cause i feel like i’m the worst so i always act like i’m the best. (oh no! // marina and the diamonds)

xiii. anger, even when it’s not directed at me, makes me hate myself. maybe anger is contagious. maybe one person’s cruelty sparks it in others until everyone’s fists are raised and tears feel like acid on your cheeks. if you could just say you’re sorry — would that be so hard? — i could lower my hands and leave you without guilt tucked into my suitcase.

xiv. the best way to make it through with hearts and wrists intact is to realize that two out of three ain’t bad. (i’m like a lawyer with the way i’m always trying to get you off (me & you) // fall out boy)

 

xv. i am afraid i will not go to heaven. i have been told so many times that i do not deserve it.

xvi. mama who bore me, mama who gave me no way to handle things, who made me so sad. mama, the weeping. mama, the angels. no sleep in heaven, or bethlehem. (mama who bore me (reprise) // spring awakening)

xvii. i woke up before dawn and ran outside in my pajamas to watch the sunrise. water dripped down my forehead  and the sky was pink and orange and i was freezing. it was beautiful and you never realize just how little you matter until you are huddled under a watercolor sunrise.

xviii. i’m just a moment, so don’t let me pass you by. we could be a story in the morning, but we’ll be a legend tonight. (outlines // all time low)

xix. life goes on. life goes on, even when you don’t want it to, when you want to pause it and live in that moment because things are good.

things were not good, but i had you and a dream of leaving, and that made them good. i do not want life to go on if you are not in it. i want to live in a moment when you are still here.

xx. best friends, ex-friends to the end. better off as lovers and not the other way around. (bang the doldrums // fall out boy)

xxi. my friends and i cuddled on the fold-out bed in the basement that creaks when you move and pokes you with its springs in the most tender spots. we were laughing, hands intertwined, radiating warmth and lazy joy. i said that i could never be the one to end things because i wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt of breaking someone’s heart, and they agreed.

i didn’t know that you were thinking of ways to say goodbye. i wonder if it would have made a difference if you’d been able to hear us sift through our memories and remember how things began. i am both angry and relieved that you do not seem to bear the same guilt that i do, and i don’t know how that can be.

xxii. i would’ve married you in vegas, had you given me the chance to say “i do.” (vegas // all time low)

xxiii. i said that 2016 was the worst year of my life, because i lost you for the first time and nothing had ever hurt more. now i am saying that 2017 was the worst, because i lost you again and it hurt more than before, more than i imagined anything could hurt. today, it is 2018, and i am afraid that it will be the worst year of my life, because i think i am going to lose you again, permanently. maybe i will recover from this, but not if you are gone forever.

xxiv. i came out grieving, barely breathing and you came out alright. but i’m sure you’ll take his hand, i hope he’s better than i ever could have been. my mistakes were not intentions, this is a list of my confessions i couldn’t say. pain is never permanent but tonight it’s killing me. (december // neck deep)

xo apollo

november memoir

Edit Post ‹ let's be lost — WordPress.com - Mozilla Firefox 1262017 23727 PM

documenting a month through poems and journal entries and song lyrics so it doesn’t get lost in the gray fog that is my life.


i. i have a loft bed. when the lights are out and i’m climbing the ladder, the bunched up blankets take the form of someone curled up under the covers. a monster, something that looks like me, has stolen my spot.

but then i think, perhaps i’m the monster and the girl in the bed is the real apollo. i’ve always been sure that i’m the human one, but maybe there’s no way to know.

there’s never anything in the bed, of course.

ii. don’t depend on me to ever follow through on anything, but i’d go through hell for you. (going away to college // blink-182)

iii. there is a boy that i’m very fond of. he goes to a church close to my house and sometimes my mom will take me to see him after the service. i haven’t gone in over a month, i guess, even though being near him is all i want.

i have a reason. i was upset at myself, and i thought the best punishment was to stay away from him. and i was right, of course. nothing hurts more than having a chance to see him and saying no. and he won’t read this, but i’m sorry. i’m so, so sorry.

iv. you were the last good thing about this part of town. (grand theft autumn/where is your boy // fall out boy)

v. i keep having to stop and think about how familiar everything feels. i think it’s the sweatshirts and autumn air and shoes against pavement and the loneliness.

vi. think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts. ((headfirst for halos // my chemical romance)

vii. i don’t really talk to myself anymore. i talk to you, in my head. you never answer, of course. so in that way, it’s not very different from talking to you when you’re next to me.

viii. i need you to believe me, can you trust me, that what you see is not what i see? the reflection in the mirror’s telling lies. cause nothing you have done could change how much i love you. (invisible // disciple)

ix. i am too quiet. i am too sad. i am too slow. i am too small. i am too difficult. i am too little or i am too much. i am never enough; i am never just right.

x. if you died i’d hope you’d haunt me, cause you know i’d miss you bad. (i’ll always be around // waterparks)

xi. i am tired and i don’t want to go to school tomorrow and i don’t want to keep thinking about you, but i know i’m going to anyway. i am so tired. i want to cry but there’s nothing there.

xii. shatter your skull, fight pain with more pain. forget who you are, unburden your load. forget in six weeks you’ll be back on the road. (freeze your brain // heathers)

xiii. please don’t leave me completely. you know that would shatter me and all my hopes for the future. i would miss you forever, even if you don’t miss me.

xiv. allow me to exaggerate a memory or two, where summers lasted longer than, well, longer than we do. when nothing really mattered except for me to be with you. but in time we forgot and we all grew. (folkin’ around // panic! at the disco)

xv. this season has been ruined for me. everything that happened in these colder months a year ago are still haunting me. i catch myself staring at calendars and remembering how each day felt like the worst one i had ever survived.

xvi. when you go, just know that i will remember you. if living was the hardest part, we’ll then one day be together. and in the end we’ll fall apart, just like the leaves change in colors. and then i will be with you, i will be there one last time. (it’s not a fashion statement, it’s a deathwish // my chemical romance)

xvii. i read a book where two best friends ran away together. they stayed in a crappy hotel by the ocean and drank and planned their future, listening to the sighing of the waves drifting in through the window. they slept side by side, dreaming together, content with their nearness. i cried for hours after i read it because that is all i want for you and me, and even something so simple is out of reach for us.

xo apollo

vices & virtues

Image result for vices & virtues

the love child of last young renegade and dear blue eyes | love notes.

you can listen to panic! at the disco’s vices & virtues album while you read this, if you want.

i wrote this at 3 a.m., so it’s basically just me being really vulnerable!! please don’t use this as blackmail!!

longwood gardens

the ballad of mona lisa | say what you mean, tell me i’m right, and let the sun rain down on me. give me a sign, i want to believe |

i only lied twice: when i said i was ok, and when i said that you had never hurt me.

i wonder if you know that i have nothing left to offer. i cannot give you hope, or an escape, or a smile that says “everything will be alright.” i cannot give you a love worthy of writing songs about.

i need to do something in order to be loved. that is how the world works. i have nothing to give, and i don’t think that i ever did. so why are you still here?

fury sunset

let’s kill tonight | fate will play us out with a song of pure romance |

i have been treated unfairly, and i am allowed to be angry about it. there’s something twisting and winding up in my chest that makes it hard to breathe, and it’s getting tighter, and it’s going to make me explode. i am allowed to sit here while my vision is stained with violent, hazy shades and do nothing about the tightening thing in my chest.

i would like to stand just out of reach and yell about how you put this thing inside me, and how you are acting like it is my fault. i would like to yell about how this is me and i know you hate it and that is why i am becoming someone who only feels in extremes.

the artful dodger

hurricane | hey stranger, i want you to catch me like a cold |

i’ve been having that dream again. the one where you are on the sidewalk beneath the i just love . . . sign, and there is a fog over the world that matches my state of mind. i notice you from across the street, and i tell myself that i will know what to say this time. you see me, with eyes that are brown instead of blue, and that is somehow so much better. you walk away. i feel alone again, so alone. the word love is mocking me.

i am free

memories | oh memories, where’d you go? you’re all i’ve ever known. how i miss yesterday and how i’d let it fade away |

i am awake one morning when the birds are just beginning their this is a new day! song. pieces of light worm their way through the blinds and lie across the sheets; a drip of hope in this suburban tomb. you are suddenly all over my heart. it takes my breath away because i haven’t bloomed any roses in my soul for you in a long time. i had forgotten what this felt like. i can’t say that i’m glad to have remembered.

oh, blue eyes, don’t you see what you’re doing to me? i know i do not love you anymore. i can’t remember setting my heart on you so many years ago, and i can’t remember when i let you go, either. i had managed to forget that you are the definition of the word ethereal. i had forgotten that i was in love with you, and please, i wish i didn’t have to live with these memories.

plant life

trade mistakes | if i ever leave, i could learn to miss you |

you’ve probably forgotten. but believe me when i say that i never will. the room is filled with thick yellow light, the kind that makes you dizzy and only half there. i think i have been crying. i feel sick, like my head is packed with cotton balls, like if i move at all, i will slip away and disappear. i feel disconnected and like i am floating. i guess you were paying attention, because you put your arm around me and let my head rest against you chest.

“i love you,” you said to me.

i have been waiting my entire life to hear those words from you. i hope you can feel my smile against your shirt. i hope you know that you are filling me up with light and joy and the feeling of finally being safe and wanted. after making so many wrong turns in my life, you are the first thing to feel right.

longwood gardens

ready to go (get me out of my mind) | i think i’m ready to leave. i’m ready to live |

this is why i lock the bedroom door at night. i feel something strange at five in the morning. the walls are whispering to me, leave, leave. run away, bird. fly. i think i will listen to them someday.

there used to be a bag in my closet, packed with everything i would need to survive, if the hushed words convinced me that i should go tonight. i was going to be a traveling street musician with a song of lament and the confessions i couldn’t say to you.

longwood gardens

always | it was always you falling for me. now there’s always time, calling for me. i‘m the light blinking at the end of the road. blink back to let me know |

i’m sorry for never saying hello to you. i was sure that if i opened my mouth, the words i love you would escape instead. i came so close to telling you, my friend, every single time that we spoke.

i wish that one of us had been braver back then. what if we had said something when we still had time? you can spend your whole life dreaming and wishing and praying that you could go back and change one thing, one moment, one sentence. maybe if i had said yes instead of no when your friend asked if i liked you. maybe we would have had more time. maybe i am stuck with the future i have made for myself and there is nothing i can do.

downtown library

the calendar | and i meant everything i said that night. i will come back to life, but only for you |

if you’re wondering if i miss you, if i still love you — the answer is yes. it is always yes.

my friends tell me about their dreams, when we’re wrapped in blankets and sleepover-induced joy. they say that you and i get a happy ending. i hope that means traveling the world with you and our cameras. you promised, remember?

it will be a happy ending as long as you’re still here, and not just in my poetry and memories.

longwood gardens

sarah smiles | i really hoped that you would stay, but you left and went your own way, babe. i don’t mind, take your time, i got things to do besides sit around and way wait for you. oh, and i hope you do, too |

there was a summer that i spent trying to forget you. if you aren’t aware, attempting to forget someone ends up with them being on your mind even more. after all those nights i spent convincing myself that there was someone better out there (it was never the truth), after i could almost believe that i was over you, you turned up again and i was back where i started. i am trying to figure out whether your reappearance was a cruel joke or a spot of sunshine before the storm hit.

fairy bouquet

nearly witches (ever since we met . . .) | ever since we’ve met, i’ve got just one regret to live through. and i regret never letting you know | 

sometimes there’s a part of me that wonders if things would be easier if i had never met you. if i hadn’t skipped a grade, if you hadn’t been held back one, i never would have ended up sitting across from you during art and watching you draw. you make amazing art. you are amazing art.

but i don’t regret it. how could i? you are the best i’ve ever never had.

xo apollo

life has a hopeful undertone

i. nothing good or bad lasts forever.

ii. you’ve survived everything awful that has ever happened to you. you can survive this, too.

iii. it’s ok if the only person you save is yourself.

iv. God has never made a person he did not love. you are not the exception.

v. sit in the rain and realize that even nature has to cry.

vi. for he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways. -psalm 91:11

vii. maybe life won’t get better. but what if it does?

viii. 1. you must let the pain visit. 2. you must allow it to teach you. 3. you must not allow it to overstay. -i.u., three routes to healing

ix. everything you’re feeling is common, even though you’ve never felt so alone. (rhode island // the front bottoms)

x. one day you will wake up and it won’t hurt so much. keep believing that it will be tomorrow.

xi. you will break. but oh, you will also heal. -k.a.

xii. there are people in this world who love you. there’s me, for a start.

xiii. darkness exists to make light truly count. (uneven odds // sleeping at last)

xiv. repeat after me: my current situation is not my final destination.

xv. you are doing your best, no matter what people tell you.

xvi. how rare and beautiful it is to even exist. (saturn // sleeping at last)

xvii. stay close to people who feel like sunshine.

xviii. try to be that sunlight for others.

xix. everything is gonna be alright. be strong. believe. (believe // yellowcard)

xx. it’s ok to stop and lie down and close your eyes if you need to. just make sure to get up again.

xxi. and i will say that we should take a moment and hold it and keep it frozen and know that life has a hopeful undertone. (migraine // twenty one pilots)

xo apollo