march memoir

documenting a month through poems and journal entries and song lyrics so it doesn’t get lost in the gray fog that is my life.


i. i am a creature of the past, discarded with all the bloody tissues, wilted flowers, and unsent love notes. everyone is growing up and moving on except for me. i know living in the past with long gone lovers causes the familiar ache of heartbroken nostalgia, but i also know that the past in the only place i can be with you.

ii. you are a broken heart tattoo i’ll have forever on my chest for a love that i have lost, but never could forget. (wolfman // the front bottoms)

ii. if there is one thing i want to know, it’s if the right people at the wrong time get a second chance. because i’m terrified that they don’t, and that i’ve been hanging onto old feelings for no reason.

iv. pardon me, cutting sleep. i’m taking up grinding teeth. you’re why i’m sitting here, hating myself for needing someone so bad and feeling dumb dumb dumb dumb. (peach (lobotomy) // waterparks)

v. sometimes i think i’m still into you, and the next day i’ll tell myself that i’m over it. but the truth is that i’ve loved you for so long that it’s in my dna. loving you is part of who i am.

vi. ’cause after all this time, i’m still into you. i should be over all the butterflies, but i’m into you. and baby, even our worst nights, i’m into you. (still into you // paramore)

vii. love, i don’t know how to say this gently, but i pray you’ll forgive me: i am so, so sorry for what i know i will do to you. i’m afraid that i’ve become something smoldering and poisonous, and if you insist on staying with me, you are going to get hurt.

viii. i wanna hold hands with you, but that’s all i wanna do right now. and i wanna get close to you, ’cause your hands and lips still know their way around. and i know i like to draw at night, it starts to get surreal. but the less time that i spend with you, the less you need to heal. (TALK ME DOWN // troye sivan)

ix. yellow light, aching feet, scratchy sheets. voices grate against my mind — so-and-so’s girlfriend, calories, i saw this thing on instagram. i want to pull this cheap hotel blanket over my head and melt into the mattress. i love you, i swear it’s true, but if you touch me, i think i’m going to break your arm.

x. you’re talking with your friends, secrets they’ll never keep. they’re sitting on your bed, and all you want is sleep. pretend that this is fake, it helps to kill the pain. all that you want is different, all that you’ll get is same. (lipstick covered magnet // the front bottoms)

xi. someday i’ll be grown up and i’ll realize it’s been a few months since i heard from you. i’ll sit down on my bed, cross my legs, and look through all the pictures of you and me, reliving the memories: laying in the summer sunshine while holding hands, bringing down the stars for you, ice cream and coffee dates, all the nights we spent in each others arms when the world was perfect.

and i’ll wonder what would have happened if i’d found the courage to tell you. i think, blue eyes, that you would have left anyway. there’s only one way this could have ended, and this is it.

xii. you never knew — well, i never told you. everything i know about breaking hearts i learned from you, it’s true. (there’s no ‘i’ in team // taking back sunday)


other songs to listen to:

brooklyn’s here // newsies
you don’t love me like you should // hey violet
break my heart // hey violet
watching for comets // skillet
we need to talk // waterparks


life updates

| inspired by the lovely rutvi |

horrible before picture, an after picture (i looked decent for once and had to cover my face? unbelievable), and a fitting tweet.

– i’ve mentioned this before, but at the beginning of the month, i cut my hair off. i hadn’t done anything drastic with my hair since about third or fourth grade, so the whole thing was new and exciting. i’m really loving it so far. i know i probably looked prettier when my hair was long, but a short haircut feels more like me.

– two of my best friends and i spent a weekend in d.c. (read the first part of my travel diary here.) walking through a humming city for hours with people i love awakened this itch to go. i don’t know where i want to go, but i need to move and see new places or this feeling is going to eat me alive.

me and my pal beth from summer camp.

– a few girls from my ahg troop went to a lock-in at a rock climbing gym, my bff izzy and i included. we stayed up all night, obviously, and climbed until probably five in the morning. it was exhausting, and my hands hurt from belaying for hours, but i loved it. i have pictures, so i’ll hopefully post about it at some point.

– my family helped out with our church’s easter event, road to resurrection. basically, we decorated the building to look like jerusalem, and then visitors were guided through and taught about the easter story in an interactive way. my mum and i worked together at one of the destinations, which was supposed to be the east gate. we mostly talked about the prophecy in zechariah 9:9. we were set up in a glass hallway, and it got incredibly hot, but they did get us pizza at the end, so i suppose it was worth it.

– new additions to my folder of shame:

“we’ve all had our heart broken by zac efron. you’re not special.” -me, while watching hairspray the musical with my bff

“mom! he’s poking my fork with a butt! wait, no –” -something you will hear often in my house

xo apollo

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sunrise hike

when i was at the lodge, i joined a small party that was going on a sunrise hike. we got up at 5:30 and trudged straight up the mountain through the snow. it was so eerily quiet. there was no birdsong, no laughter, no music; just heavy breathing and snow crunching under rhythmic footfalls.

it was a ridiculously hard climb, and all the snow didn’t help at all. the leaders said it was about a 45 minute hike, but it felt a lot longer. being in nature so early seems to make time stretch. but the worst part was that when i thought i had reached the top, another peak appeared, even steeper than the ones before.

the top of the mountain was absolutely freezing, and windy. we had to huddle to stay warm (and keep each other from getting blown off the peak).

look at that insane child in the shorts. (he’s homeschooled, so that might explain some of it.) i was incredibly cold, and i was wearing long sleeves and a jacket, so i can’t imagine how it must have been for him. i mean, my hair was damp from a shower the night before, but still.

i know i’ve just been complaining this whole time, but it was so, so worth it. standing on the top of a mountain while the sun flooded the hills and sky with light was such a wonderful experience. it’s pretty impossible to describe, but it made me feel awestruck, like i was in a painting or poem, like i was shaking from the sheer beauty of it, not the cold.

 

after the hike, one girl started talking about how it made her realize just how big and wonderful the world is. and as amazing as it is, God loves us even more. there are gorgeous sights like the grand canyon, carefree beaches, colorful cities, misty forests filled with quiet life, and we are more lovely than any of it.

most of us headed back to the lodge before the sunrise finished, but i got glimpses of the pink and orange through the trees. i would love to do it again, hopefully when it’s not quite so cold. :)


2/19/18

love, the sky was glorious, painted by the old artists with a starry brush. when the mountains and trees are stretched out below you like a patchwork blanket, you realize how tiny you are in the grand scheme of things. i told myself i was just a stitch in the quilt of the universe. but i must have done something right, to be on top of the world with the sunrise staining the snow pink.

from the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the Lord is to be praised. -psalm 113:3

xo apollo

february memoir 

documenting a month through poems and journal entries and song lyrics so it doesn’t get lost in the gray fog that is my life.


i. love, what is hope?

hope is the thought that tomorrow will be better than today. hope is telling yourself that there are good things in the future. hope is whispering “i’ll be ok” over and over like a prayer. hope is the feeling in my heart when i see you. 

love, hope is something i do not have.

ii. and i’ve never had to face the world without her by my side. now i’m strolling right beside her as the black hole opens wide. mine is just a slower suicide. (i’ve been // next to normal)

iii. i want to stand in the sun, unashamed, colors and secrets bared, and hear that in my god’s eyes, i am still something worthy of earthly and divine love.

iv. someday becomes somehow, and a prayer becomes a vow. (seize the day // newsies)

v. maybe i will make like a turtle and carry home on my back, because i have yet to find a place i belong in or a person i belong with.

vi. but when you read my fortune, are we running home or running free today? (maya the psychic // gerard way)

vii. loving is hard, because although they say they care, there is always something about me they would change or erase. i have yet to find unconditional love from a human, and maybe there’s a reason for that.

viii. ‘cause there’s always time for second guesses, i don’t wanna know. if you’re gonna be the death of me, that’s how i wanna go. (collar full // panic! at the disco)

ix. i want to move out as soon as i can. maybe i’ll leave a note; maybe i’ll send a text; maybe i’ll just be gone. i might come back someday, but there’s nothing worth staying for anymore. that might be why i want to go — to find something that will be enough to make me stand still, for a moment, for the rest of eternity.

x. they call me homewrecker. i’m only happy when i’m on the run. i break a million hearts just for fun. i don’t belong to anyone! (homewrecker // marina and the diamonds)

xi. there is so much hatred in this world that i can’t do anything about. but i believe that people themselves are good. i hope that i will find kind humans full of light and love, and i pray that they will not leave me alone again.

xii. i can try to get by, but every time i start to panic. i’m a little bit shy, a bit strange, and a little bit manic. (wishing well // blink-182)

xiii. i think some things speak for themselves, like the way i walk around with unfocused eyes, and anyone who knows me knows that i have time traveled to a year ago. i don’t see the snowflakes drifting in out of view; i see the way your smile looked when you played love songs to me in the middle of the night. i don’t feel the fire against my skin, i feel the ghost of your arms around me, and how i prayed for that comfort everyday and still do. i cannot sense a future for myself, because i am stuck in the past, and the memories — nervous, shaking, shy memories — are stuck with me.

xiv. alone, awake, and thinking of the weekend we were in love. (on the wing // owl city)


life updates

| inspired by the lovely rutvi |

Related image– my brother, my mum, and i watched all of sherlock. i find crime and murder fascinating (i can tell you all about the zodiac killer. how twisted am i?), so it was pretty much the perfect show for me. we were talking about which character we’re most like, and my family decided that i would be sherlock holmes, because we’re both dramatic, snarky, loyal, self-destructive, and “emotional addicts,” whatever that’s supposed to mean.

– my brother and i took a personality alignment test (yes, we’re geeks). i got chaotic good, which i feel is the same as comparing someone to a golden retriever. apparently that kind of personality believes “you shall break the law in pursuit of goodness,” they “distrust authority,” “disrupt the order of society,” are rebellious, and, i quote, are “anarchic,” which is honestly spot on.

– i was looking around this little art shop when i found some of those poseable mannequins. naturally, i made them do the ymca (or tried to, anyway). i ended up buying one to share with my mum, and it’s currently dabbing on my desk.

– i took this really important math test (six pages long) and somehow absolutely aced it?? i got 49 ½/50, which was apparently the highest score in the class. i’m going to frame the test and display it in my room forever.

– i tried making soap for the first time in years, and they turned out surprisingly well. (although they did get stuck in the plastic molds and i had to cut them to get the soap out.) anyway, the yellow one has orange peels in it and is tangerine-scented, and the swirled one (my favorite) is peppermint.

– my cat, navi, has been sleeping with me more often. she curls up on my chest and purrs in my ear and it’s super comforting. she’s not exactly tiny, so it hurts after awhile, but it’s worth it.

– new additions to my folder of shame:

“the only thing latin is good for is summoning demons.”

my brother called the national anthem “the american theme song.” ???

xo apollo

letter to a lover

i want someone to tell stories to. i want to walk nowhere in particular while holding hands, and i want to point things out and say what they make me think of. i want to talk to someone about why missing posters and sky blue make me cry. it feels like when you’ve been hurt and you have a band-aid and you’re waiting for someone to say what happened? i want someone to notice when my eyes tear up, when i flinch, when i tremble. i want someone to pay attention to the song i’m singing to myself and ask what it means to me. i want someone to know and understand me and not hate it. and i know that is too much to ask for.


happy valentine’s day! <3

the only date i have today is with my school’s guidance counselor. i have to register for next year’s classes and i have no clue which ones i want to take. i’d like to do a more advanced art class and band/percussion, but theatre also sounds fun.

i’m going on a youth retreat this weekend. i went last year, too, with my pal n (although i don’t think he’s coming this time). the lodge we’ll be staying at is up in the mountains, and there’s a forest, stream, and i think a meadow area as well. i’ll be bringing my camera, and if the retreat is as unstructured as last year, i’ll have plenty of time to take pictures.

last thing: my brother is in his school’s production of the sound of music. he somehow convinced the director to let him do a roundoff back tuck in one scene. the first performance is tomorrow and i think i’ll give him some fake flowers that i found in the attic.

xo apollo

january memoir

documenting a month through poems and journal entries and song lyrics so it doesn’t get lost in the gray fog that is my life.


i. because when someone leaves you behind, what are you supposed to do but apologize? sorry for wasting your time. sorry for being too messed up for you to deal with. sorry for wanting you to change your mind because you promised you would stay.

ii. come on, make it easy. say i never mattered. (young volcanoes // fall out boy)

iii. did you ever really love me, or were you just lonely?
i did.
i did, too.
my friend, this is me trying to say i love you one last time.

v. i am the one who loved you, i am the one who stayed, i am the one and you walked away. (i am the one (reprise) // next to normal)

vi. my mom tells me it might have worked out if we were older. you could have chosen to see each other whenever you wanted. it’s hard to be in love when you’re a kid.

vii. and truth be told, i never was yours — the fear, the fear of falling apart. (this is gospel // panic! at the disco)

viii. i felt blank this morning. i was getting ready when something clicked off in my brain. my eyes stung and i felt staticky around the edges. i shut down and i barely noticed.

it’s difficult to be around people when something awful has just happened and they don’t know. everything is normal for them while you’re praying you’ll keep it together for three more hours.

ix. and there’s no one who knows and there’s nowhere to go. there’s no one to see who can see to my soul. (the mirror-blue night // spring awakening)

x. when you put two broken things together, they do not fix each other. there are too many sharp edges that cannot fit into place. maybe one day, our edges will be smooth enough that we can get close without being cut.

xi. love of my life, gone forever. get her back, good lord, you know i wish i could. (west virginia // the front bottoms)

xii. thrifting is when you find something broken, unwanted, thrown out; but it is perfect for you. loving is often the same.

xiii. looking at you makes it harder, but i know that you’ll find another that doesn’t always make you want to cry. (already gone (cover) // sleeping at last)


i’m trying something new this time. i’m going to talk about some of the fun/interesting stuff that happened in my life last month so this isn’t as depressing as my other memoirs. :)

| inspired by the lovely rutvi |

– i’ve been thrift shopping with my mum recently, and i’ve gotten lots of books + some odd junk that i couldn’t leave behind. a few of the books have notes in the margins and underlined sentences, which i think is really interesting, because i get to figure out what the person was like based on the quotes they picked out. some weird things i’ve found are baby doll heads, one half of a bff necklace, and an elegant lamp with a camo shade. maybe i’ll post a haul sometime.

– my bff izzy’s birthday was this month, and we went to an escape room to celebrate. i’ve played doors & rooms enough times that i was really good at finding clues. we played as thieves trying to steal the world’s largest diamond, and we thought that once we unlocked its display case, we would have won — but no, we had to escape the museum, too. we opened the exit door, but it just set off an insanely loud alarm and led to a closet where a police cutout was waiting. there was lots of screaming, and by the time we got to the right door, we were a minute over the time limit. and it sucked because we were so, so close, but apparently my friend and her dad did something extra that earned us a few more minutes, so we actually won. (we also got tiny plastic diamond souvenirs and they’re really cute.)

– after the escape room disaster, we went back to my friend’s house for cake and the like. i made the mistake of taking some unflattering photos of k, then showing them to izzy, who texted them to herself. k flipped out and tried to delete them off my ipod before they sent. before she could, izzy took my ipod and ran off, so k and i chased after her, but she had vanished. we were standing outside the bathroom, and the door was shut, so i told k that izzy was in there (i had no clue where she was, but it seemed likely). k slammed open the door, but surprise, it was izzy’s mom instead!! i got slapped for that but it was totally worth it.

dead poets society

– i watched dead poets society for the first time, and it messed me up. why would they do that?? w h y. i’m still upset about. i would definitely recommend watching it, but it does touch on suicide, so be careful.

– i was playing the game of life with izzy and a girl from church, and i drew an action cad that said i had won an award for best forehead. izzy and i had calculated the volume of my forehead one time during science, so it was rather fitting.

– during lunch one day, i hung out in the classroom with my math teacher and talked to him about serial killers. i enjoy reading their wikipedia pages at night when i’m home alone. apparently he thinks they’re interesting, too, and emailed my mom during our conversation to tell her that i’m “a gem.” (he also had the first kotlc book on a shelf with all his math textbooks??)

– my brother made a chess set out of legos (star wars vs. lotr + skeletons) and roped me into playing with him. i usually avoid chess games with him because i always lose, but it was really close this time?? i would have won if i hadn’t read into it too much and tried to block a move he hadn’t even thought of. but anyway, once he killed my king, i announced that he was a puppet ruler and the new king was one of the knights. he copied my idea and made obi-wan the monarch. eventually he trapped his new king and i was able to slaughter him.

– i started repainting my loft bed just before christmas (purple to white), so i’ve been sleeping on the floor since then. it’s finally finished, so i just got to spend the night in my real bed for the first time in over a month. :)

– new additions to my folder of shame:

“who here is straight?” “oh, i hope i’m not straight.” -my friend, who i’m pretty sure actually is straight??

“if capitalism is so great, why is my ice cream melting?” -me, eating ice cream soup and blaming it on The Man

“it’s all good. i’m super edgy. i’m the edgiest person out of all my friends at school.” -n, who probably is the edgiest of his friends, seeing as he doesn’t have any

xo apollo

december memoir

documenting a month through poems and journal entries and song lyrics so it doesn’t get lost in the gray fog that is my life.


i. another year of loving something just out of reach. you are a ghost of a kiss.

ii. it hurts that you are replacing me and i have no one to take your spot. i am tired of missing you and not being able to do anything about it.

iii. i wish i didn’t really kiss the mirror when i’m on my own. oh god, i’m gonna die alone. (teen idle // marina and the diamonds)

v. i haven’t been this angry in a long time. i know that she is just trying to help, and that i am being completely unreasonable. but, god, she is ignorant and i want to break things.

vi. i don’t blame you for being you, but you can’t blame me for hating it. (a little less sixteen candles, a little more “touch me” // fall out boy)

vii. i ran across the city to get to you. cold air, street lamps, heavy breaths, tight chest, shoes pounding against concrete. with every step, i thought, i am getting closer to my future or closer to heartbreak. but i missed you. and i sprinted through the crowded sidewalks again before missing you a second time.

viii. i’d promise you anything for another shot at life. (disloyal order of water buffaloes // fall out boy)

ix. i had a dream where we danced together as it snowed. i have been smiling all day.

i just want to dance with you. i’ve never learned how and i don’t think you have, either, but it doesn’t matter. i want to hold your hands and sway and spin and have you fall in love with me again.

can we try? i don’t care if your palms sweat or if you step on my feet or if the music is bad. just dance with me, please.

x. and i’ve been talking to God, asking for just a little help with you, but it’s hopeless. it’s not the first time, but this one really carved it in. tell your new friends that they don’t know you like i do. it’s over. i wanna see you again, i wanna feel it again. (oh well, oh well // mayday parade)

xi. i am at a party with sweets in my hands, smiling with my friends, and something goes wrong. suddenly everyone is staring at me and expecting the right words from my mouth and the world is caving in, and i can run and cover my ears, but i can still hear the laughter.

xii. one track mind, one track heart. if i fail, i’ll fall apart. maybe it is all a test, cause i feel like i’m the worst so i always act like i’m the best. (oh no! // marina and the diamonds)

xiii. anger, even when it’s not directed at me, makes me hate myself. maybe anger is contagious. maybe one person’s cruelty sparks it in others until everyone’s fists are raised and tears feel like acid on your cheeks. if you could just say you’re sorry — would that be so hard? — i could lower my hands and leave you without guilt tucked into my suitcase.

xiv. the best way to make it through with hearts and wrists intact is to realize that two out of three ain’t bad. (i’m like a lawyer with the way i’m always trying to get you off (me & you) // fall out boy)

 

xv. i am afraid i will not go to heaven. i have been told so many times that i do not deserve it.

xvi. mama who bore me, mama who gave me no way to handle things, who made me so sad. mama, the weeping. mama, the angels. no sleep in heaven, or bethlehem. (mama who bore me (reprise) // spring awakening)

xvii. i woke up before dawn and ran outside in my pajamas to watch the sunrise. water dripped down my forehead  and the sky was pink and orange and i was freezing. it was beautiful and you never realize just how little you matter until you are huddled under a watercolor sunrise.

xviii. i’m just a moment, so don’t let me pass you by. we could be a story in the morning, but we’ll be a legend tonight. (outlines // all time low)

xix. life goes on. life goes on, even when you don’t want it to, when you want to pause it and live in that moment because things are good.

things were not good, but i had you and a dream of leaving, and that made them good. i do not want life to go on if you are not in it. i want to live in a moment when you are still here.

xx. best friends, ex-friends to the end. better off as lovers and not the other way around. (bang the doldrums // fall out boy)

xxi. my friends and i cuddled on the fold-out bed in the basement that creaks when you move and pokes you with its springs in the most tender spots. we were laughing, hands intertwined, radiating warmth and lazy joy. i said that i could never be the one to end things because i wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt of breaking someone’s heart, and they agreed.

i didn’t know that you were thinking of ways to say goodbye. i wonder if it would have made a difference if you’d been able to hear us sift through our memories and remember how things began. i am both angry and relieved that you do not seem to bear the same guilt that i do, and i don’t know how that can be.

xxii. i would’ve married you in vegas, had you given me the chance to say “i do.” (vegas // all time low)

xxiii. i said that 2016 was the worst year of my life, because i lost you for the first time and nothing had ever hurt more. now i am saying that 2017 was the worst, because i lost you again and it hurt more than before, more than i imagined anything could hurt. today, it is 2018, and i am afraid that it will be the worst year of my life, because i think i am going to lose you again, permanently. maybe i will recover from this, but not if you are gone forever.

xxiv. i came out grieving, barely breathing and you came out alright. but i’m sure you’ll take his hand, i hope he’s better than i ever could have been. my mistakes were not intentions, this is a list of my confessions i couldn’t say. pain is never permanent but tonight it’s killing me. (december // neck deep)

xo apollo