liebster award

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hello, friends. i’ve been nominated for the liebster award many times, and i’m finally getting around to posting about it. there’s going to have to be a part two sometime, as i’ve currently been tagged five times, i believe.

kathryn and write owl are two of the wonderful people who tagged me. thanks, loves. :)

| kathryn’s questions |

what’s your favorite kind of tea?

my favorites are peppermint or english breakfast tea, served in my elephant mug with lots of honey. the elephant’s name is herbert.

what’s your favorite theme song?

the gravity falls theme! it’s so catchy.

i’ve watched the entire show about four times. i have a problem.

if given a free ticket, which country would you choose to visit and why?

probably greece or scotland. greece because i learned some of the language last year, scotland because it’s just insanely beautiful. (i say a learned some of the language, but it was koine greek, which they don’t speak anymore.)

what is the one thing you wish people knew about you?

sometimes i just don’t want to be around anyone. i’ll ignore texts, i’ll try to get out of seeing my friends, etc. and that probably makes me sound like a horrible friend — and maybe i am — but it doesn’t mean that i love them any less. i still adore them, i’m just tired and don’t want to talk. i’ll usually get over it in a week and then i’ll send my pals memes and organize sleepovers and stuff like that.

what is your greatest achievement?

i know all the lyrics to dear evan hansen.

what is your most prized possession?

idk if this really counts as a possession, since i’ve never printed any of them out, but pictures of my friends (like this one of k and b, taken the day before new year’s eve). i’m sure they’re going to leave someday, and i don’t want to forget what it’s liked to love and be loved.

what are three of your main goals?

1) become a bard

i have been in love with idea of being a bard ever since i read the how to train your dragon series. and i know they aren’t really a thing anymore, but i’m sure i can figure something out.

2) travel

i don’t care where. i just want to grab a friend, my camera, my beat up converse, and leave.

3) publish a book

i’m really hoping that my 2017 nano project is going to be the one that i finish and eventually get published. i’d also like to publish some of my poetry, too.

how did you pick your blog’s name?

most of you know that i’m still an emo loser who loves my chemical romance, right? well, their last album was called danger days: the true lives of the fabulous killjoys, and it came from that.

what’s your favorite post that you’ve written?

dear blue eyes | love notes

it’s about loving someone (clearly), but i didn’t realize i had been in love with them until years later and it was too late. writing that helped me figure out my feelings and some super important things about myself.

if you won the lottery what’s the first thing you’d buy?

a border collie (i would name it turtle), a polaroid camera, and plane tickets to anywhere.

who is your role model?

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“real revenge is making something of yourself.” -gerard way

this lovely man, gerard way. i can’t even begin to describe how much he and his music have helped me. but i would not be who i am if i had not found his band and their inspiring messages.

plus, he went through a lot of rough things and still managed to come out on top. and it’s so comforting that someone can feel horrible enough to write songs like the end., famous last words, the sharpest lives, the only hope for me is you, and i’m not okay (i promise), and then keep living and fall in love and have a family.

| write owl’s questions |

do you enjoy classics or do you think they’re boring and overrated? (i’ll try not to judge you if the latter is the case :p)

i don’t read a lot of classics because most of them aren’t the kind of genre i enjoy. however, i do love the chronicles of narnia and lord of the rings — i can’t resist a good fantasy series.

do you prefer to write/read in first- or third-person?

i pretty much always write in first person. it’s so much easier to get inside the mc’s head and understand them better.

how often do you use personal experiences to make your writing more authentic? do you actively seek out new experiences to heighten your stories?

i write a lot of fantasy, which i unfortunately don’t have a lot of experience with. but i’ve been making many of my characters have poor mental health because i can use my own experiences with that.

as for seeking out new experiences, i do occasionally try to get hurt/spend time around morally ambiguous people for the sake of research. which probably isn’t the smartest thing i’ve ever done, but whatever.

do you listen to music when you write? if so, is there a specific genre that you prefer?

i listen to music while i do everything, honestly. (except for showering??) i guess the genre i listen to depends on what kind of story i’m writing. like when i was working on my 2016 nano project, i played twenty one pilots songs because they’re terribly sad and they matched the mood of my story. if i’m writing poetry, i’ll listen to stuff like sleeping at last, because it’s calming and helps me think better.

where is the strangest place that you have ever found inspiration?

my mum’s billy joel’s greatest hits vol. 2 cd. i may or may not have based an entire story around it.

what are your top three favorite quotes from any book that you have ever read?

“you make me lovely, and it’s so lovely to be lovely to the one i love.” -all the bright places by jennifer niven

“i like to think that nothing’s final, and that everyone gets to be together even when it looks like they don’t, that it all works out even when all the evidence seems to say something else, that you and i are always young in the woods, and that i’ll see you sometime again, even if it’s not with any kind of eyes i know of or understand. i wouldn’t be surprised if that is the way things go after all — that all things end happy.” -tiger lily by jodi lynn anderson

“‘well, it’s simple to love someone,’ she said. ‘but it’s hard to know when you need to say it out loud.'” -when you reach me by rebecca stead

the second one is from one of my favorite books ever. that particular quote made me cry all night. i’d really recommend checking it out.

do you generally like your characters? have you ever written one that you didn’t like?

yeah, most of the time. i usually think my characters are precious, problematic children who must be protected at all costs. but there was one from a currently abandoned project called shadow bird that i couldn’t stand. she was named delilah hallowell and she was the definition of an arrogant, annoying diva. i really despised her. she might have gotten more bearable if i’d reached the point in the plot where i revealed her Tragic Backstory™, but i never got that far.

what is your favorite movie from a story-telling point of view?

the princess bride. i watch it every time i’m sick, and it still keeps my interest, because the characters are so unique and the story is so bizarre and wonderful.

do you let anyone read your work(s)-in-progress, or do they have to prove themselves worthy before they can get a peek?

i don’t let anyone read my wips anymore, with the exception of posting occasional snippets on my blog. i’ll definitely let my writer internet friends look at my stories if i ever finish them and need beta readers, but until then, no one gets more than a few paragraphs at a time.

who is your favorite author that not many people have heard of?

pseudonymous bosch! he’s the author of the secret series, which is one of my all time favorites. his writing style is hilarious and i love all of characters, they have really dramatic and distinct personalities. 10/10, i would definitely recommend him to anyone.

on average, how many books do you read in one year?

i read about forty-five books last year, which isn’t very good for me. usually, i go through way more than that, but i’ve been in a reading slump since late 2016.

| nominees |

charli @ starfreckld

kathryn @ in the depths of dreams

noor @ bookmarkd

infinitmagic @ expensive rainbows

julia @ julia’s journal

| questions |

do you believe in luck?
do you want any tattoos?
do you want to be a parent?
do you have any siblings?
what did you want to be when you were a kid?
what’s the best halloween costume you’ve ever worn?
what school subject are you best at?
do you have any nicknames?
what song is stuck in your head?
how was your day?

on a different note, i finally gave in to peer pressure (*cough* rutvi and n *cough*) and watched stranger things. it was pretty interesting, but i still think it’s overhyped. my favorite characters are dustin, hopper, and that one conspiracy dude with the vodka. i’d love to discuss the show with you guys in the comments and get your opinions on it. :)

xo apollo


sketchbook (7)

hey, friends, i’ve got another art post for you guys.

idk how to write intros, so let’s just skip that and get into it.

quick bird (possibly a robin) + smudged mountain sketch i did one morning before school. it was foggy and cold that day and very peaceful.

back at it again with the flower people.

this is just a weird collage i made really late one night. it took a lot longer than i thought it would, but on the plus side, i somehow didn’t get any paper cuts.

idk, man, i make strange art when i’m angry.

it’s supposed to be a wolf of some sort, i guess.

inspired by teen idle // marina and the diamonds.

what’s this? a sort of decent person? shocking!!

this is possibly the only page in my sketchbook that has actual sketches on it?? also, there’s another flower person.

i’m quite proud of the hands, i usually can’t draw them. but i looked at references this time which made a big difference.

line art from pinterest + lyrics from air catcher // twenty one pilots + eyes without pupils. this one’s kind of weird but i like it anyway.

i tried sketching my own eyes one day. i can definitely tell that my eye drawings are improving, which makes me kind of happy.

i don’t usually draw flowers, so i wasn’t expecting this to turn out that well, but i’m actually ridiculously proud of it (they’re coneflowers, by the way). i like the grid in the background and even my brother, who hates art, said i did a good job on the texture of the heads.

i hope you enjoyed! as always, i’d love to hear which is your favorite. :)

xo apollo


hello, and welcome to killjoy. 

i’m apollo, a teen who loves art of any kind and, of course, my chemical romance’s album danger days: the true lives of the fabulous killjoys. 

i blogged at let’s be lost until i got restless and decided i needed something new. so i made this site on impulse, and then proceeded to spend three days picking a theme.

i’m not going to say much about myself right now because most of you know me already. but if you want to learn more about me anyway (or why my pen name is apollo), visit the about page.

thanks for stopping by. stay rad.

the future is bulletproof, the aftermath is secondary. it’s time to do it now and do it loud. killjoys, make some noise! (na na na // my chemical romance)

xo apollo

goals for 2018

i’m a bit late to the new year’s resolutions party, but it’s fine.

other than the first one, they’re all personal goals (instead of blogging goals), but you’ll definitely hear about them if i complete any.

let’s get into it. :)

reach 1000 followers

with 828 followers, i’m actually pretty close to this already.

i don’t like asking for followers, but maybe join the killjoy gang if you want to help a teenager with low self-esteem feel accomplished for once in her life? just a thought.

reach 50k in my novel

i have a pattern with my writing habits: write a ton for nano, and then take a break during december, promising that i’ll resume my story in january. but, of course, that never happens, so i have a bunch of half-finished novels lying around. hopefully this will be the year i keep working on my nano project.

(i’ve actually got 21k right now, whoop whoop.)

not cry on the first day of school

i’m going to high school full-time next year, and i’m not ready. like, at all. it will be a miracle if i don’t break down in a bathroom or the middle of class.

my main concerns are a) i look gross and i don’t always want people to look at me, and b) i’m not going to have any friends!! just hear me out on this. i already know a lot of people in my grade and none of them have expressed any interest in befriending me. why would that suddenly change next year? so i won’t have any buddies unless some upperclassman decides to take me under their wing because of how lonely i look.

learn to play drums

i plan on joining my school’s marching band, but apparently you need to be able to play an instrument to do that?? who knew. drum seems like the easiest, and i’ve always wanted to play, anyway. plus, i already have a drum (technically my brother’s) that i can practice on.

go to a concert

literally everyone i know has gone to a concert, even ones who aren’t into music and only tagged along because of a friend. i would definitely cry from happiness if i get the chance to see a band i like this year.

meet an internet friend

i’m looking at you, sam and rutvi. you guys are incredible and i love you and it sucks that you both live so far away from me.

go to camp

it’s pretty much guaranteed that i’ll be able to go to ahg camp again this year. it’ll be my third time there so i’ll be an experienced camper™. i’ll hopefully be able to get that rad rainbow knife that i couldn’t get last summer because one of the staffers overheard me and my friend discussing murder.

i’d also like to go to a place called camp victory with said friend. they do zumba every morning.

get better at drawing faces

i can sometimes draw faces, but they’re sort of cartoon-ish. i’d like to improve my skills so my people look more realistic.

get better at gymnastic

my brother and i did gymnastic together for years when we were younger, and i just started going again this week. it’s not as hard as i remembered, which is probably a good thing. i’d like to stick with gymnastic for the entire year and finally get down my back handspring, which i had almost mastered when we quit.

make a new friend

i don’t think i made a single friend in 2017 that i’ve seen regularly. in fact, i kind of lost some instead. hopefully i’ll make a friend at my school so i don’t have to do high school by myself.

read 100 books

this doesn’t sound that difficult, but i only read about fifty books last year due to a huge reading slump, so we’ll have to see.

goodreads tells me i’m one book ahead of schedule but i think it’s lying.

so there you have it. everything i want to achieve in 2018. some of them are too outlandish for me to actually accomplish (i’m looking at you, not crying at school and making a friend), but some of them seem attainable? maybe? who knows.

do we have any of the same goals? what’s something you want to do in 2018? let me know in the comments. :)

xo apollo

2017 christmas haul

hey, friends. :)

i’m finally putting up that christmas haul that i promised. please keep in mind that i’m not trying to brag — i’m thankful for everything i received (except maybe the stamps) and just wanted to share.

idk. let’s get into it.

stocking stuffers

i got a lot of candy in my stocking — these are the only two that i haven’t eaten already. my mom thought she was being funny by getting me turtles, because i’d been asking for a pet turtle all year.

i love lip balm!! this one is hershey’s brand. idk what flavor it is because the packaging got thrown out, but it’s kind of fruity with a tiny bit of peppermint.

my brother and i both got fun string. i sprayed it in his hair as soon as i got it open and have been tormenting him with it ever since.

let’s ignore the change of scenery.

the last thing in my stocking was this tiny music box. it plays the song somewhere over the rainbow. :)

from family

my brother gave me animal crossing: new leaf. i named my town hell, which makes the conversations about moving in much more interesting. for example: “so do you go to hell very often?” “i sure hope you find a sweet little house and have lots of fun making new friends in hell!”

of course i got books. i’m super excited to read these, especially nightfall and everland.

i got a white sweatshirt (very soft on the inside) with this informative sign on top of it. apparently my mom is going to print out the dear evan hansen logo and iron it onto the shirt. personally, i think she’s going to forget out it and never help me, but it’s whatever.

ft. barakat the plant

i picked out these pajamas and got to open them on christmas eve. they’re incredibly soft, and they’ve got pockets and a hood.

i’m not a fan of purses, they get in my way and it’s hard to run with one. but i need something to carry my junk around in. you see my problem?

so grandparents #1 got me this cute mini backpack. :)

grandma #2 bought these things for all the kids. i’m not really sure what it is, but it’s very loud.

some candy that will likely find its way into my brother’s stomach.

grandma #2 planned a game where tiny trinkets were bundled up in a ball of cling wrap. we passed it around in a circle while the person who had it before tried to roll doubles on some dice. once they got it, the ball and dice were handed off again. you got to keep whatever you tore from the ball on your turn.

why did she think kids would like stamps for christmas? who knows.

i also got some seeds from the cling wrap ball! granted, most of them are probably too old to grow anything from, but i’ll still try.

from some other family members, i got a face mask and summer fruit eos. my brother got the bubble bath and lip balm (avon iced gingerbread) in the cling wrap ball and gave them to me.

i’ve never used a face mask in my life, so i’m excited to try it out.

in my family, christmas is not complete without getting lots of money. i got $190, as well as target and chick-fil-a gift cards. i’m not sure what i’m going to spend the money on yet — maybe books or clothes (i’m thinking oh wonder merch).

from friends

my friend izzy spoils me. she got me a ton of stuff and i love her for it.

the first thing she gave me is a beanie with wireless speakers sewn into it. i can connect my ipod to its bluetooth and play my music while everyone thinks i’m listening to them. it was more of a joke then an actual gift, since izzy didn’t think it would work, but it surprisingly does.

another thing she got me is this beautiful dear evan hansen case! it’s a bit too big for my ipod, but i stuffed a tissue into it and now it’s good.

izzy took me to the mall and let me get whatever i wanted. i found all time low’s don’t panic album on cd at this sick music store. it’s mostly clean, which means i can play it in the car when i’m with my mom.

i dragged her to hot topic to hunt for pins. she hates the store because she had a dream where vampires that were hiding there kidnapped her or something like that. anyway, i found a few pins there: bob ross, panic! at the disco’s logo, and for loser.

we also found this gravity falls patch for my jacket.

from k, i got a wooden L, a picture frame, and an ornament of the white rabbit from alice in wonderland.

she always gets me something alice in wonderland-themed. over the years, i’ve gotten the complete works of lewis carroll, a mad hatter origami kit, etc.


i went to a christmas party with bethany and mckenna and got these at the white elephant gift exchange. they came in a bag with a can of refried beans and gas-x, but idk where those are now. i gave the gas-x to my brother as a joke, which he didn’t think was funny.

i’m going to use the itunes card to get the heathers soundtrack, because it’s not on spotify.

honestly, what i’m most excited about is all the lip balm i got. i’ve been collecting them for years and i currently have 40+. granted, i only use about five of them, but still.

i hope you enjoyed reading my haul. :)

did we get any of the same things? what’s the best gift you received? 

xo apollo

december memoir

documenting a month through poems and journal entries and song lyrics so it doesn’t get lost in the gray fog that is my life.

i. another year of loving something just out of reach. you are a ghost of a kiss.

ii. it hurts that you are replacing me and i have no one to take your spot. i am tired of missing you and not being able to do anything about it.

iii. i wish i didn’t really kiss the mirror when i’m on my own. oh god, i’m gonna die alone. (teen idle // marina and the diamonds)

v. i haven’t been this angry in a long time. i know that she is just trying to help, and that i am being completely unreasonable. but, god, she is ignorant and i want to break things.

vi. i don’t blame you for being you, but you can’t blame me for hating it. (a little less sixteen candles, a little more “touch me” // fall out boy)

vii. i ran across the city to get to you. cold air, street lamps, heavy breaths, tight chest, shoes pounding against concrete. with every step, i thought, i am getting closer to my future or closer to heartbreak. but i missed you. and i sprinted through the crowded sidewalks again before missing you a second time.

viii. i’d promise you anything for another shot at life. (disloyal order of water buffaloes // fall out boy)

ix. i had a dream where we danced together as it snowed. i have been smiling all day.

i just want to dance with you. i’ve never learned how and i don’t think you have, either, but it doesn’t matter. i want to hold your hands and sway and spin and have you fall in love with me again.

can we try? i don’t care if your palms sweat or if you step on my feet or if the music is bad. just dance with me, please.

x. and i’ve been talking to God, asking for just a little help with you, but it’s hopeless. it’s not the first time, but this one really carved it in. tell your new friends that they don’t know you like i do. it’s over. i wanna see you again, i wanna feel it again. (oh well, oh well // mayday parade)

xi. i am at a party with sweets in my hands, smiling with my friends, and something goes wrong. suddenly everyone is staring at me and expecting the right words from my mouth and the world is caving in, and i can run and cover my ears, but i can still hear the laughter.

xii. one track mind, one track heart. if i fail, i’ll fall apart. maybe it is all a test, cause i feel like i’m the worst so i always act like i’m the best. (oh no! // marina and the diamonds)

xiii. anger, even when it’s not directed at me, makes me hate myself. maybe anger is contagious. maybe one person’s cruelty sparks it in others until everyone’s fists are raised and tears feel like acid on your cheeks. if you could just say you’re sorry — would that be so hard? — i could lower my hands and leave you without guilt tucked into my suitcase.

xiv. the best way to make it through with hearts and wrists intact is to realize that two out of three ain’t bad. (i’m like a lawyer with the way i’m always trying to get you off (me & you) // fall out boy)


xv. i am afraid i will not go to heaven. i have been told so many times that i do not deserve it.

xvi. mama who bore me, mama who gave me no way to handle things, who made me so sad. mama, the weeping. mama, the angels. no sleep in heaven, or bethlehem. (mama who bore me (reprise) // spring awakening)

xvii. i woke up before dawn and ran outside in my pajamas to watch the sunrise. water dripped down my forehead  and the sky was pink and orange and i was freezing. it was beautiful and you never realize just how little you matter until you are huddled under a watercolor sunrise.

xviii. i’m just a moment, so don’t let me pass you by. we could be a story in the morning, but we’ll be a legend tonight. (outlines // all time low)

xix. life goes on. life goes on, even when you don’t want it to, when you want to pause it and live in that moment because things are good.

things were not good, but i had you and a dream of leaving, and that made them good. i do not want life to go on if you are not in it. i want to live in a moment when you are still here.

xx. best friends, ex-friends to the end. better off as lovers and not the other way around. (bang the doldrums // fall out boy)

xxi. my friends and i cuddled on the fold-out bed in the basement that creaks when you move and pokes you with its springs in the most tender spots. we were laughing, hands intertwined, radiating warmth and lazy joy. i said that i could never be the one to end things because i wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt of breaking someone’s heart, and they agreed.

i didn’t know that you were thinking of ways to say goodbye. i wonder if it would have made a difference if you’d been able to hear us sift through our memories and remember how things began. i am both angry and relieved that you do not seem to bear the same guilt that i do, and i don’t know how that can be.

xxii. i would’ve married you in vegas, had you given me the chance to say “i do.” (vegas // all time low)

xxiii. i said that 2016 was the worst year of my life, because i lost you for the first time and nothing had ever hurt more. now i am saying that 2017 was the worst, because i lost you again and it hurt more than before, more than i imagined anything could hurt. today, it is 2018, and i am afraid that it will be the worst year of my life, because i think i am going to lose you again, permanently. maybe i will recover from this, but not if you are gone forever.

xxiv. i came out grieving, barely breathing and you came out alright. but i’m sure you’ll take his hand, i hope he’s better than i ever could have been. my mistakes were not intentions, this is a list of my confessions i couldn’t say. pain is never permanent but tonight it’s killing me. (december // neck deep)

xo apollo