march memoir

documenting a month through poems and journal entries and song lyrics so it doesn’t get lost in the gray fog that is my life.


i. i am a creature of the past, discarded with all the bloody tissues, wilted flowers, and unsent love notes. everyone is growing up and moving on except for me. i know living in the past with long gone lovers causes the familiar ache of heartbroken nostalgia, but i also know that the past in the only place i can be with you.

ii. you are a broken heart tattoo i’ll have forever on my chest for a love that i have lost, but never could forget. (wolfman // the front bottoms)

ii. if there is one thing i want to know, it’s if the right people at the wrong time get a second chance. because i’m terrified that they don’t, and that i’ve been hanging onto old feelings for no reason.

iv. pardon me, cutting sleep. i’m taking up grinding teeth. you’re why i’m sitting here, hating myself for needing someone so bad and feeling dumb dumb dumb dumb. (peach (lobotomy) // waterparks)

v. sometimes i think i’m still into you, and the next day i’ll tell myself that i’m over it. but the truth is that i’ve loved you for so long that it’s in my dna. loving you is part of who i am.

vi. ’cause after all this time, i’m still into you. i should be over all the butterflies, but i’m into you. and baby, even our worst nights, i’m into you. (still into you // paramore)

vii. love, i don’t know how to say this gently, but i pray you’ll forgive me: i am so, so sorry for what i know i will do to you. i’m afraid that i’ve become something smoldering and poisonous, and if you insist on staying with me, you are going to get hurt.

viii. i wanna hold hands with you, but that’s all i wanna do right now. and i wanna get close to you, ’cause your hands and lips still know their way around. and i know i like to draw at night, it starts to get surreal. but the less time that i spend with you, the less you need to heal. (TALK ME DOWN // troye sivan)

ix. yellow light, aching feet, scratchy sheets. voices grate against my mind — so-and-so’s girlfriend, calories, i saw this thing on instagram. i want to pull this cheap hotel blanket over my head and melt into the mattress. i love you, i swear it’s true, but if you touch me, i think i’m going to break your arm.

x. you’re talking with your friends, secrets they’ll never keep. they’re sitting on your bed, and all you want is sleep. pretend that this is fake, it helps to kill the pain. all that you want is different, all that you’ll get is same. (lipstick covered magnet // the front bottoms)

xi. someday i’ll be grown up and i’ll realize it’s been a few months since i heard from you. i’ll sit down on my bed, cross my legs, and look through all the pictures of you and me, reliving the memories: laying in the summer sunshine while holding hands, bringing down the stars for you, ice cream and coffee dates, all the nights we spent in each others arms when the world was perfect.

and i’ll wonder what would have happened if i’d found the courage to tell you. i think, blue eyes, that you would have left anyway. there’s only one way this could have ended, and this is it.

xii. you never knew — well, i never told you. everything i know about breaking hearts i learned from you, it’s true. (there’s no ‘i’ in team // taking back sunday)


other songs to listen to:

brooklyn’s here // newsies
you don’t love me like you should // hey violet
break my heart // hey violet
watching for comets // skillet
we need to talk // waterparks


life updates

| inspired by the lovely rutvi |

horrible before picture, an after picture (i looked decent for once and had to cover my face? unbelievable), and a fitting tweet.

– i’ve mentioned this before, but at the beginning of the month, i cut my hair off. i hadn’t done anything drastic with my hair since about third or fourth grade, so the whole thing was new and exciting. i’m really loving it so far. i know i probably looked prettier when my hair was long, but a short haircut feels more like me.

– two of my best friends and i spent a weekend in d.c. (read the first part of my travel diary here.) walking through a humming city for hours with people i love awakened this itch to go. i don’t know where i want to go, but i need to move and see new places or this feeling is going to eat me alive.

me and my pal beth from summer camp.

– a few girls from my ahg troop went to a lock-in at a rock climbing gym, my bff izzy and i included. we stayed up all night, obviously, and climbed until probably five in the morning. it was exhausting, and my hands hurt from belaying for hours, but i loved it. i have pictures, so i’ll hopefully post about it at some point.

– my family helped out with our church’s easter event, road to resurrection. basically, we decorated the building to look like jerusalem, and then visitors were guided through and taught about the easter story in an interactive way. my mum and i worked together at one of the destinations, which was supposed to be the east gate. we mostly talked about the prophecy in zechariah 9:9. we were set up in a glass hallway, and it got incredibly hot, but they did get us pizza at the end, so i suppose it was worth it.

– new additions to my folder of shame:

“we’ve all had our heart broken by zac efron. you’re not special.” -me, while watching hairspray the musical with my bff

“mom! he’s poking my fork with a butt! wait, no –” -something you will hear often in my house

xo apollo

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album aesthetics | collab with life in a blogshell

hey, guys! life in a blogshell and i have been working on a collab for awhile now, and i’m super excited to say that it’s finally ready!

we made aesthetics for some of our favorite twenty one pilots and panic! at the disco albums, and reviewed them. make sure to visit life in a blogshell to see her post, and follow her, too!

you guys know i review albums in a weird way (examples: last young renegade and vices & virtues), and this post isn’t an exception. i hope you enjoy it anyway. :)

regional at best // twenty one pilots

trembling hands, short breaths.
bouncing on trampolines and feeling like if you jump high enough, you will become a constellation.
saying “i’m fine” just because that’s how you’re supposed to respond, because trying to explain your messy mind leads to losing friends.
bloody bandages and scraped knees from those long runs you take at midnight, where the destination is simply away.
tired eyes and a tired soul.
staring at the ceiling all night, finding patterns in the plaster that morph into mocking words.
sitting with the people you call your friends and wondering if they would notice if you left and didn’t come back.
your room becoming your grave, your bed becoming your coffin.
evenings spent skateboarding alone while the summer heat turns the asphalt to lava.
fighting yourself during another sleepless night just to do it all again the next day.
stumbling through the empty house in the dark to splash water against your feverish skin, like that will fix everything.
paranoid glances over your shoulder, catching glimpses of those shadowy figures out of the corner of your eye.
bruised knuckles that fit perfectly in the dents in the walls.
this is it pounding through your head in time to the ball as you shoot hoops in the dusk.


by now, i think everyone has heard of twenty one pilots (and is sick of me talking about them). but not everyone knows about one of their earlier albums, regional at best, which is a shame because it’s my favorite one! it’s so good that even my best friend loves it, and she doesn’t like tøp that much.

if you thought lyrics from vessel or the self-titled album were sad, get ready for a whole new level of emotion. they feel like the kind of thing you would write in your journal because you know no one else is going to read it. idk, the lyrics are just so incredible and honest that they’ve driven me to tears on multiple occasions.

unfortunately, the album isn’t on spotify or itunes. but you can listen to it on youtube, and my friend tells me that it’s on pandora.

favorite songs: slowtown, glowing eyes, lovely, anathema, be concerned.

 

pretty. odd. // panic! at the disco

finding constellations in the freckles that dot your best friend’s skin.
absentmindedly painting beautiful designs on your sun-kissed arms.
praying for good things every night and knowing your request has been granted when you see the sunrise the next day.
having a secret garden in your mind where poems and happy memories bloom.
sketches, pressed flowers, and snatches of poetry filling up the worn journal you carry everywhere.
gentle piano music that drifts through your open rib cage to touch your heart.
cool, smooth sheets caressing your legs after a long day spent exploring.
wondering about the point of love when all the angels you fall for don’t feel anything back.
pastels and soft spring warmth.
happy tears dribbling down your cheeks when you see lovers holding hands, friends laughing together, a puppy playing in the grass, or a watercolor sunset.
strumming cheerful songs on a ukulele and making up the words as you go.
light casting pretty patterns on your hands late in the evening.
crowning your best friend with a wreath of daises, gently kissing their sun-warmed hair as you do so.
lying on your back in a meadow and feeling like you could slip into the earth, like you have always belonged there among the flowers.


pretty. odd. is such a spring album. i think that’s the best way to describe it, because spring is about new life, change, warmth, and awakening, and that’s what the music seems like to me, too.

my favorite thing about the album is the lyrics. they don’t always make sense, but i like trying to figure out what they mean. it gives me something to do while i play the album, beyond just listening to the music.

it’s a bunch of genres mashed into one album, so if one song isn’t your thing, there will likely be another that is. it could be described as folk, rock, indie, etc., and it has a really unique sound that i haven’t found anywhere else.

favorite songs: nine in the afternoon, that green gentleman (things have changed), northern downpour, folkin’ around, she had the world.


listen to these albums, let me know what you think, and make sure to check out lonelymeme’s post here!

xo apollo

music recommendations (2)

i’ve been getting into some new artists lately (mostly indie pop, of all things) and felt it was time for another music recommendations post.

for every artist, i’m going to talk about the kind of music they make/why i like them, and then in parentheses are some of my favorite songs (ones in bold are explicit).

see part one here.


marina and the diamonds – it sounds like a band, but it’s actually just one singer, marina diamandis. she’s got a very different sound from other female artists because her voice is deeper and she always sounds so unbelievably confident. if you want to hype yourself up, marina’s music will do it. (homewrecker, teen idle, oh no!, hollywood)

mayday parade – i don’t think mayday parade has ever made a happy song. and i think what i like most about them is how desperate and human their lyrics are. here’s a tip: don’t listen to them late at night or after a breakup. just don’t do it. (stay, oh well, oh well, jamie all over, ghosts, when you see my friends)

my chemical romance – mcr is an emo band, which i guess gives them a bad name to those who never had their own emo phase. but i think that most of the people who say they hate mcr have never really listened to them. their songs cover lots of topics that almost everyone deals with at some point: anger, depression, love, being left behind, and, of course, angst. they’re always going to be one of my favorite bands because of how much their music has helped me get through life. (fake your death, the kids from yesterday, famous last words, the sharpest lives, the light behind your eyes, boy division)

newsies (musical) – this fantastic musical is all about rebellion and overthrowing The Man! there are some lyrics that make it especially relevant now, with all the protesting that’s going on, like these:

and the world will know we’ve been keeping score. either they give us our rights or we give them a war. we’ve been down too long, and we’ve paid our dues, and the things we do today will be tomorrow’s news.

so the world says no? well the kids do, too. try to walk all over us, we’ll stomp all over you.”

“ten thousand kids in the square, ten thousand fists in the air!

“behold the brave battalion that stands side by side, too small in number and too proud to hide. then say to others who did not follow through: you’re still our brothers, and we will fight for you.

plus, there’s a live version of the show on netflix, so it’s easy to get into. (the world will know, seize the day, brooklyn’s here, once and for all)

next to normal (musical) – this is a heartbreaking look into the reality of mental illnesses. it’s a roller coaster of emotions, and maybe this is just my empathetic side talking, but it makes you feel everything that the characters do: the confusion, anger, heartbreak, hopelessness, love, and eventually, some kind of happiness. the soundtrack is pretty long, but the story is so worth it. (i am the one, i’m alive, i’ve been, wish i were here)

oh wonder – this indie pop duo has such calm vibe. i feel like they have a rather unique perspective, too, like in the songs high on humans and drive. i like listening to them at night while i draw, because it relaxes me but also clicks on the creative part of my brain. (without you, ultralife, drive, technicolour beat)

owl city – owl city is the first artist i really fell in love with. i started listening to him in probably 5th grade, and i still love his music. his older albums are full of dreamy songs with clever and lovely metaphorical lyrics. for me, owl city is the ultimate feel-good artist. it makes me feel wonderstruck and curious and like good things are coming. (if my heart was a house, unbelievable, vanilla twilight, on the wing, up all night)

panic! at the disco – another emo band?? shocking. all of p!atd’s songs are bops, and brendon urie’s voice sounds like velvet and deep purple and red. most of the lyrics are really illustrative and paint a vibrant picture in your mind. i posted about my favorite of his albums (vices & virtues) here, if you’d like to check that out. (folkin’ around, this is gospel, far too young to die, the end of all things, the calendar)

sleeping at last – the lyrics are poetry and they’re beautiful. i instantly relax when i hear his music; it’s so soft and dreamy. it’s nice to listen to when it’s gloomy outside, you’re trying to rest, or you’re working on a project. (needle & thread, venus, neptune, rainbow connection (cover), north)

spring awakening (musical) – of course spring awakening is on here. would i actually be ok if i didn’t mention it in a music post?? to put it simply, it’s about teen angst and why proper sex ed. is important. i know that sounds bizarre, but it’s actually super good. the characters screw up so much but are still so endearing, and i feel like the songs reflect the mindset of most teens. (all that’s known, and then there were none, the mirror-blue night, don’t do sadness/blue wind, left behind)


try to pick one band/singer i mentioned, listen to a few of their songs, and then comment what you think. you might find your next favorite artist. who knows.

xo apollo

washington, d.c. travel diary (1)

at the beginning of the month, i spent the weekend in the capitol with two of my friends, bethany and izzy. between the three of us, we took lots of pictures, and it’s taken me forever to edit them all. half of them were blurry because we were laughing too hard to keep the camera steady. (and the photos in this post especially suck because most were taken on my ipod.)

anyway, enjoy the first part of the travel diary. :)


« day one »

in the early afternoon, my mum and i met up with izzy in a lowe’s parking lot (we’re classy). while we went to pick up bethany, we talked about the office — apparently izzy’s dad is making her family watch his favorite episodes. we discussed how similar my brother is to dwight; and, yes, living with him is terrible, thanks for asking.

we picked up bethany from this random lot out in the middle of nowhere, and the banter began immediately. but it was kind of sad banter because our friend kelsie couldn’t make it, so the gang was only ¾ complete.

izzy has this compatibility quiz book that she made us do. basically, you choose between two options (such as make the bed or don’t, organize your files or give them random names, etc.), and the amount of same answers determines what kind of relationship you have. i got “peas in a pod” with both of my friends. but on one page (the infamous toilet paper debate), izzy picked the obviously wrong answer: that the loose end should be on the bottom. it would have been a deal breaker for me, but the book said we were almost soulmates, so i guess i should try to overlook this.

important question: which way do you think the toilet paper should go? if you agree with izzy, you are welcome to unfollow, because i don’t need that kind of negativity on my blog.

(i’m kidding, i love my followers.)

 things that happened on the drive:

– we saw a kid riding a razor scooter through the grass by a highway. i will never be that cool.
– google maps kept changing the course and taking us to random fast food places.
– i was listening to heathers: the musical on my ipod and bethany kept playing with the volume. she almost busted my eardrums.
– izzy started flipping her water bottle and i almost threw it out the window.
– we were in my dad’s ancient car, which has no radio, no ac, and the windows only go down halfway. i think we were all dying a little bit because it was so hot in there.
– we got lost (shocking!) and had to get directions from this guy with a beautiful, enormous beard.
– i was smelling izzy’s shirt for some reason (who knows), and i accidentally stuck my nose in her armpit. sorry, izzy! thanks for wearing deodorant that day!

we reached our hotel a little bit before dark. it was windy and cold and we had to climb three stories with all our bags to get to our room. hotels are usually exciting for no reason, so we bounced all over the place, investigating everything.

interesting hotel room finds:

– a rainbow coming through the peephole.
– a safe?? thank you, quality inn of d.c., for thinking of that but not extra washcloths.
– there was an ice bucket that we all thought was a tiny trashcan.
– free mini toiletries!! we divided our plunder and i got lotion + soap with a little star on it.

after we were settled, we drove to the mall in tysons corner. while we were walking through the parking deck, a pigeon flew at us and it kind of freaked me out, because you never know when birds will get fed up with us and become homicidal.

freaking out over a space station set because we’re children and it’s super cool.

my mum insisted that we stop by the american girl store for nostalgia’s sake.

 bethany found this baby as we were wandering around and claimed it as her own. please congratulate her on becoming a mother, we’re all so happy and excited to support her on this journey. :’)

bethany chilling with a creepy cutout.

eventually, we got hungry and went in search of food. my friends wanted to make a detour, so we visited the disney store. at that point, i was hungry enough to cook simba and eat unseasoned lion cub, but, luckily, it didn’t come to that.

whenever i’m in d.c., i eat at the exact same chinese place. i probably get exactly the same food, too: sesame chicken with lo mein noodles. but this time, it was so incredibly hot that i actually started crying while i ate it. i’m talking about big tears rolling down my cheeks as i stuffed my face with chinese.

my mouth hurt for a few days after that, but it was worth it.

izzy wanted to buy me something, so we set off for barnes & noble. the store was gigantic: two floors, a café, escalators, and an entire section dedicated to harry potter. we poked around for awhile, and i eventually decided to get the newsies soundtrack on cd and carry on by rainbow rowell. i’ve listened to newsies almost everyday since, and i finished the book, which was super, super great. thanks for spoiling me, izzy. :)

on our way back to the car, bethany convinced us to stop at a makeup store. they had this super cool policy where you were allowed to test all of their products for free. if i knew anything about makeup, it would have been a dream come true.

bethany talked one of the workers into giving her a makeover. she looked amazing. afterwards, we decided that would be the perfect job for her, since she loves talking and doing makeup.

we slipped into the lego store just before it closed. i attempted to recreate whizzer from falsettos as a minifigure. i haven’t been into the musical for very long, so i didn’t quite know what i was doing. but, all things considered, i guess he looks alright.

back in our hotel room, we ate cake (it’s the zodiac from gravity falls. thanks, mum) and watched the live-action cinderella on the tv. it was ok, but it definitely needed more singing.


so that’s how our first day in d.c. went. part two coming whenever i stop procrastinating and finish writing it.

xo apollo

sunrise hike

when i was at the lodge, i joined a small party that was going on a sunrise hike. we got up at 5:30 and trudged straight up the mountain through the snow. it was so eerily quiet. there was no birdsong, no laughter, no music; just heavy breathing and snow crunching under rhythmic footfalls.

it was a ridiculously hard climb, and all the snow didn’t help at all. the leaders said it was about a 45 minute hike, but it felt a lot longer. being in nature so early seems to make time stretch. but the worst part was that when i thought i had reached the top, another peak appeared, even steeper than the ones before.

the top of the mountain was absolutely freezing, and windy. we had to huddle to stay warm (and keep each other from getting blown off the peak).

look at that insane child in the shorts. (he’s homeschooled, so that might explain some of it.) i was incredibly cold, and i was wearing long sleeves and a jacket, so i can’t imagine how it must have been for him. i mean, my hair was damp from a shower the night before, but still.

i know i’ve just been complaining this whole time, but it was so, so worth it. standing on the top of a mountain while the sun flooded the hills and sky with light was such a wonderful experience. it’s pretty impossible to describe, but it made me feel awestruck, like i was in a painting or poem, like i was shaking from the sheer beauty of it, not the cold.

 

after the hike, one girl started talking about how it made her realize just how big and wonderful the world is. and as amazing as it is, God loves us even more. there are gorgeous sights like the grand canyon, carefree beaches, colorful cities, misty forests filled with quiet life, and we are more lovely than any of it.

most of us headed back to the lodge before the sunrise finished, but i got glimpses of the pink and orange through the trees. i would love to do it again, hopefully when it’s not quite so cold. :)


2/19/18

love, the sky was glorious, painted by the old artists with a starry brush. when the mountains and trees are stretched out below you like a patchwork blanket, you realize how tiny you are in the grand scheme of things. i told myself i was just a stitch in the quilt of the universe. but i must have done something right, to be on top of the world with the sunrise staining the snow pink.

from the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the Lord is to be praised. -psalm 113:3

xo apollo

february memoir 

documenting a month through poems and journal entries and song lyrics so it doesn’t get lost in the gray fog that is my life.


i. love, what is hope?

hope is the thought that tomorrow will be better than today. hope is telling yourself that there are good things in the future. hope is whispering “i’ll be ok” over and over like a prayer. hope is the feeling in my heart when i see you. 

love, hope is something i do not have.

ii. and i’ve never had to face the world without her by my side. now i’m strolling right beside her as the black hole opens wide. mine is just a slower suicide. (i’ve been // next to normal)

iii. i want to stand in the sun, unashamed, colors and secrets bared, and hear that in my god’s eyes, i am still something worthy of earthly and divine love.

iv. someday becomes somehow, and a prayer becomes a vow. (seize the day // newsies)

v. maybe i will make like a turtle and carry home on my back, because i have yet to find a place i belong in or a person i belong with.

vi. but when you read my fortune, are we running home or running free today? (maya the psychic // gerard way)

vii. loving is hard, because although they say they care, there is always something about me they would change or erase. i have yet to find unconditional love from a human, and maybe there’s a reason for that.

viii. ‘cause there’s always time for second guesses, i don’t wanna know. if you’re gonna be the death of me, that’s how i wanna go. (collar full // panic! at the disco)

ix. i want to move out as soon as i can. maybe i’ll leave a note; maybe i’ll send a text; maybe i’ll just be gone. i might come back someday, but there’s nothing worth staying for anymore. that might be why i want to go — to find something that will be enough to make me stand still, for a moment, for the rest of eternity.

x. they call me homewrecker. i’m only happy when i’m on the run. i break a million hearts just for fun. i don’t belong to anyone! (homewrecker // marina and the diamonds)

xi. there is so much hatred in this world that i can’t do anything about. but i believe that people themselves are good. i hope that i will find kind humans full of light and love, and i pray that they will not leave me alone again.

xii. i can try to get by, but every time i start to panic. i’m a little bit shy, a bit strange, and a little bit manic. (wishing well // blink-182)

xiii. i think some things speak for themselves, like the way i walk around with unfocused eyes, and anyone who knows me knows that i have time traveled to a year ago. i don’t see the snowflakes drifting in out of view; i see the way your smile looked when you played love songs to me in the middle of the night. i don’t feel the fire against my skin, i feel the ghost of your arms around me, and how i prayed for that comfort everyday and still do. i cannot sense a future for myself, because i am stuck in the past, and the memories — nervous, shaking, shy memories — are stuck with me.

xiv. alone, awake, and thinking of the weekend we were in love. (on the wing // owl city)


life updates

| inspired by the lovely rutvi |

Related image– my brother, my mum, and i watched all of sherlock. i find crime and murder fascinating (i can tell you all about the zodiac killer. how twisted am i?), so it was pretty much the perfect show for me. we were talking about which character we’re most like, and my family decided that i would be sherlock holmes, because we’re both dramatic, snarky, loyal, self-destructive, and “emotional addicts,” whatever that’s supposed to mean.

– my brother and i took a personality alignment test (yes, we’re geeks). i got chaotic good, which i feel is the same as comparing someone to a golden retriever. apparently that kind of personality believes “you shall break the law in pursuit of goodness,” they “distrust authority,” “disrupt the order of society,” are rebellious, and, i quote, are “anarchic,” which is honestly spot on.

– i was looking around this little art shop when i found some of those poseable mannequins. naturally, i made them do the ymca (or tried to, anyway). i ended up buying one to share with my mum, and it’s currently dabbing on my desk.

– i took this really important math test (six pages long) and somehow absolutely aced it?? i got 49 ½/50, which was apparently the highest score in the class. i’m going to frame the test and display it in my room forever.

– i tried making soap for the first time in years, and they turned out surprisingly well. (although they did get stuck in the plastic molds and i had to cut them to get the soap out.) anyway, the yellow one has orange peels in it and is tangerine-scented, and the swirled one (my favorite) is peppermint.

– my cat, navi, has been sleeping with me more often. she curls up on my chest and purrs in my ear and it’s super comforting. she’s not exactly tiny, so it hurts after awhile, but it’s worth it.

– new additions to my folder of shame:

“the only thing latin is good for is summoning demons.”

my brother called the national anthem “the american theme song.” ???

xo apollo