january memoir

documenting a month through poems and journal entries and song lyrics so it doesn’t get lost in the gray fog that is my life.


i. because when someone leaves you behind, what are you supposed to do but apologize? sorry for wasting your time. sorry for being too messed up for you to deal with. sorry for wanting you to change your mind because you promised you would stay.

ii. come on, make it easy. say i never mattered. (young volcanoes // fall out boy)

iii. did you ever really love me, or were you just lonely?
i did.
i did, too.
my friend, this is me trying to say i love you one last time.

v. i am the one who loved you, i am the one who stayed, i am the one and you walked away. (i am the one (reprise) // next to normal)

vi. my mom tells me it might have worked out if we were older. you could have chosen to see each other whenever you wanted. it’s hard to be in love when you’re a kid.

vii. and truth be told, i never was yours — the fear, the fear of falling apart. (this is gospel // panic! at the disco)

viii. i felt blank this morning. i was getting ready when something clicked off in my brain. my eyes stung and i felt staticky around the edges. i shut down and i barely noticed.

it’s difficult to be around people when something awful has just happened and they don’t know. everything is normal for them while you’re praying you’ll keep it together for three more hours.

ix. and there’s no one who knows and there’s nowhere to go. there’s no one to see who can see to my soul. (the mirror-blue night // spring awakening)

x. when you put two broken things together, they do not fix each other. there are too many sharp edges that cannot fit into place. maybe one day, our edges will be smooth enough that we can get close without being cut.

xi. love of my life, gone forever. get her back, good lord, you know i wish i could. (west virginia // the front bottoms)

xii. thrifting is when you find something broken, unwanted, thrown out; but it is perfect for you. loving is often the same.

xiii. looking at you makes it harder, but i know that you’ll find another that doesn’t always make you want to cry. (already gone (cover) // sleeping at last)


i’m trying something new this time. i’m going to talk about some of the fun/interesting stuff that happened in my life last month so this isn’t as depressing as my other memoirs. :)

| inspired by the lovely rutvi |

– i’ve been thrift shopping with my mum recently, and i’ve gotten lots of books + some odd junk that i couldn’t leave behind. a few of the books have notes in the margins and underlined sentences, which i think is really interesting, because i get to figure out what the person was like based on the quotes they picked out. some weird things i’ve found are baby doll heads, one half of a bff necklace, and an elegant lamp with a camo shade. maybe i’ll post a haul sometime.

– my bff izzy’s birthday was this month, and we went to an escape room to celebrate. i’ve played doors & rooms enough times that i was really good at finding clues. we played as thieves trying to steal the world’s largest diamond, and we thought that once we unlocked its display case, we would have won — but no, we had to escape the museum, too. we opened the exit door, but it just set off an insanely loud alarm and led to a closet where a police cutout was waiting. there was lots of screaming, and by the time we got to the right door, we were a minute over the time limit. and it sucked because we were so, so close, but apparently my friend and her dad did something extra that earned us a few more minutes, so we actually won. (we also got tiny plastic diamond souvenirs and they’re really cute.)

– after the escape room disaster, we went back to my friend’s house for cake and the like. i made the mistake of taking some unflattering photos of k, then showing them to izzy, who texted them to herself. k flipped out and tried to delete them off my ipod before they sent. before she could, izzy took my ipod and ran off, so k and i chased after her, but she had vanished. we were standing outside the bathroom, and the door was shut, so i told k that izzy was in there (i had no clue where she was, but it seemed likely). k slammed open the door, but surprise, it was izzy’s mom instead!! i got slapped for that but it was totally worth it.

dead poets society

– i watched dead poets society for the first time, and it messed me up. why would they do that?? w h y. i’m still upset about. i would definitely recommend watching it, but it does touch on suicide, so be careful.

– i was playing the game of life with izzy and a girl from church, and i drew an action cad that said i had won an award for best forehead. izzy and i had calculated the volume of my forehead one time during science, so it was rather fitting.

– during lunch one day, i hung out in the classroom with my math teacher and talked to him about serial killers. i enjoy reading their wikipedia pages at night when i’m home alone. apparently he thinks they’re interesting, too, and emailed my mom during our conversation to tell her that i’m “a gem.” (he also had the first kotlc book on a shelf with all his math textbooks??)

– my brother made a chess set out of legos (star wars vs. lotr + skeletons) and roped me into playing with him. i usually avoid chess games with him because i always lose, but it was really close this time?? i would have won if i hadn’t read into it too much and tried to block a move he hadn’t even thought of. but anyway, once he killed my king, i announced that he was a puppet ruler and the new king was one of the knights. he copied my idea and made obi-wan the monarch. eventually he trapped his new king and i was able to slaughter him.

– i started repainting my loft bed just before christmas (purple to white), so i’ve been sleeping on the floor since then. it’s finally finished, so i just got to spend the night in my real bed for the first time in over a month. :)

– new additions to my folder of shame:

“who here is straight?” “oh, i hope i’m not straight.” -my friend, who i’m pretty sure actually is straight??

“if capitalism is so great, why is my ice cream melting?” -me, eating ice cream soup and blaming it on The Man

“it’s all good. i’m super edgy. i’m the edgiest person out of all my friends at school.” -n, who probably is the edgiest of his friends, seeing as he doesn’t have any

xo apollo

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Author: apollo

i'm apollo, a loser who listens to music too much. i enjoy art, writing, photography, traveling, and trying to outrun my feelings.

43 thoughts on “january memoir”

  1. Have fun sleeping in your newly painted bed! I have my own bed (no, I sleep floating in the air so I don’t need a bed, duh), and so do my younger sisters but they frequently just come over and sleep with me, and I usually end up falling off the bed at 2 am.
    {Natalie}

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  2. I watched Dead Poets society recently, too🙂 I’ve always wanted a loft bed but my mom says it wouldn’t be good for my dog and that’s it’s hard to put on sheets and stuff. And if I got sick I’d have to climb down. I bet you’re happy to sleep in a bed again 😜

    Liked by 1 person

    1. i love neil, he’s beautiful and deserved better. :’) loft beds are pretty fun, but it is almost impossible to change the sheets without getting your hand stuck. yeah, i’m glad i get to sleep in a bed again, being on the floor (even with a mattress) is kind of uncomfortable.

      xo loren

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Lovely post, dear! I LOVED the poems-in-miniature of x and xii. I also enjoyed reading about the happier parts of your life. ;) I can’t wait to read the February memoir! :)

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  4. I️ love the quotes at the end. I️ said almost the exact same thing as n recently, so that was funny. the chess set is cool too. do you like spring awakening? I haven’t listened to it yet. And as always, I’m sorry about everything.
    -Kathleen

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thanks! i say stuff like that, too, so i probably shouldn’t be making fun of him. XD yeah, i’ll tell my brother.

      yeah, i freaking love spring awakening, you need to listen to it. the second half is when all the emotions hit you. thanks. <3

      xo apollo

      Liked by 1 person

        1. good, i hope you like the rest of the musical. :) i’m glad you like sleeping at last, it’s kind of dreamy music and it reminds me of sunspots and salty breezes and mist.

          xo apollo

          Liked by 1 person

  5. vi & x were my favorites. how are you so good at writing??
    im sorry, january sounds like it was a rough month. have a good february, my dear. ❤️ and i’d love to see pictures of your new room. :)

    Like

    1. thanks! idk, i’m usually sleep deprived when i write in my journal, maybe that’s part of it. XD

      yeah, well, it wasn’t that much worse than most months are for me. i hope you have a good february, too! <3 i’m going to try to put together a room tour once i’ve cleaned it and built a bookshelf, but who knows which of those will take longer.

      xo apollo

      Liked by 1 person

    1. i love finding things like that, it makes the book feel much more personal. cool, i don’t write in my books very often because i don’t want to mess them up, but if there are already markings inside, i don’t mind as much.

      xo apollo

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